[ It's hardly a surprise to him that in the scribe's eyes, he seems like an idiot. After all, as with a large percentage of the events surrounding this particular issue, there are logical actions he could have been taking the whole way, steps that in Alhaitham's eyes probably make a lot more sense than the ones he tookโ some of which, if he's honest, even he would change, now that he has the benefit of hindsight.
He's relieved though to see that the look on the other's face, while amused, is somehow warm instead of mocking, even as he laughs and calls him an idiotโ a massive idiot, actually. Relieved even more at the soft kiss against the crown of his head.
His legs are starting to feel like jelly. He should probably sit down, but he can't bring himself to back away. ]
Maybe I am, yeah. But...
[ And how can he explain how the tangled mix of his pride and fear got so horribly in the way of everything that he, apparently, should have just said from the start? Kaveh shakes his head, his own smile soft at the edges, like it's ready to fall at any second, like he still doesn't quite believe the outcome of having finally said the things that have been burning at the corners of his mind. ]
It's like you said, I guess. I'm a coward. [ A word that cut so deep and true that he lashed out that night before he could stop himself. ] I was so sure you wouldn't believe me, or worse that you would and it would just piss you off and make you kick me out.
[ Which even now is a possibility in the back of his mind, like Alhaitham will flip the script on him just as he's started to relax. It's a fear that hoods his gaze even more than the alcohol as he looks up at the other man again, something quiet and contemplative about his expression. For as much as he might have too much hope placed already in the scribe's choice of conversation pattern, in the fondness of his eyes and the kiss pressed against the top of his head, there's still the possibility that he's wrong.
And if he is, it's okay. He doesn't need Alhaitham to love him back, not really. He just needs to not lose him over it. ]
no subject
He's relieved though to see that the look on the other's face, while amused, is somehow warm instead of mocking, even as he laughs and calls him an idiotโ a massive idiot, actually. Relieved even more at the soft kiss against the crown of his head.
His legs are starting to feel like jelly. He should probably sit down, but he can't bring himself to back away. ]
Maybe I am, yeah. But...
[ And how can he explain how the tangled mix of his pride and fear got so horribly in the way of everything that he, apparently, should have just said from the start? Kaveh shakes his head, his own smile soft at the edges, like it's ready to fall at any second, like he still doesn't quite believe the outcome of having finally said the things that have been burning at the corners of his mind. ]
It's like you said, I guess. I'm a coward. [ A word that cut so deep and true that he lashed out that night before he could stop himself. ] I was so sure you wouldn't believe me, or worse that you would and it would just piss you off and make you kick me out.
[ Which even now is a possibility in the back of his mind, like Alhaitham will flip the script on him just as he's started to relax. It's a fear that hoods his gaze even more than the alcohol as he looks up at the other man again, something quiet and contemplative about his expression. For as much as he might have too much hope placed already in the scribe's choice of conversation pattern, in the fondness of his eyes and the kiss pressed against the top of his head, there's still the possibility that he's wrong.
And if he is, it's okay. He doesn't need Alhaitham to love him back, not really. He just needs to not lose him over it. ]
... You're really okay with it?