[ It's a show of courage for sure, to look directly at Alhaitham, what with the overwhelming intensity of presence the other has when his attention is focused in this way. And if it weren't for the arrogant tone in his voice, the smug upward curve at the corners of his lips, Kaveh might struggle to hold his gaze for long. As it is, though, the architect just rolls his eyes again and pulls a face at the scribe. ]
Please save all questions for the end of the lecture. [ In comparison to the face he's pulling, his tone is prim and proper, echoing any number of the Akademiya's teachers. It belies— thankfully— the way his stomach flutters stupidly at the look on the other's face before returning back to the stupid knot of anxiety it's been tied in for the past few weeks, tighter than ever at the way he's so casually spilling all the secrets he's kept close to his chest for too long now.
(Well, as close to his chest as emotional, frustrated outbursts can be... But then, he's never been good at keeping his own confidence, not really, despite his pride and reputation alike practically relying on it.) ]
Anyway, when I kissed you, I was trying to explain myself. I didn't trust my words to do it well enough without telling you everything... and like I said, I was scared that if I told you, you'd kick me out. Say it was too awkward to live with me like this. But you misunderstood, and thought I just wanted something physical. And then that morning with my darshan, I had another dream—
[ He's gotten this far in relative quiet, but it's at this point his voice finally starts to pick up volume in tune with the emotion leeching further into every word he speaks, Kaveh's gaze falling back to the abandoned coffee cup on the bar table, the liquid dregs of almost opaque black in its base. ]
I don't know what I was thinking. I was frustrated, and embarrassed, and I told myself something would be better than nothing, but I just ended up feeling rejected and miserable. So I— [ he chuckles ] I did what you said I do. I threw myself into my work. Tried to ignore it. But it just kept feeling worse and worse, and I never saw you, and... then last night happened.
This time I tried to choose someone a little more like you, you know. But he was all wrong. I know I was loud, but... I wasn't enjoying myself. [ But he knows that last night's arousal speaks to something different, leading him to clarify, cheeks redder than before: ] Not the way I did with you.
[ Kaveh pauses, and takes a single deep breath before looking back up at Alhaitham. ]
no subject
Please save all questions for the end of the lecture. [ In comparison to the face he's pulling, his tone is prim and proper, echoing any number of the Akademiya's teachers. It belies— thankfully— the way his stomach flutters stupidly at the look on the other's face before returning back to the stupid knot of anxiety it's been tied in for the past few weeks, tighter than ever at the way he's so casually spilling all the secrets he's kept close to his chest for too long now.
(Well, as close to his chest as emotional, frustrated outbursts can be... But then, he's never been good at keeping his own confidence, not really, despite his pride and reputation alike practically relying on it.) ]
Anyway, when I kissed you, I was trying to explain myself. I didn't trust my words to do it well enough without telling you everything... and like I said, I was scared that if I told you, you'd kick me out. Say it was too awkward to live with me like this. But you misunderstood, and thought I just wanted something physical. And then that morning with my darshan, I had another dream—
[ He's gotten this far in relative quiet, but it's at this point his voice finally starts to pick up volume in tune with the emotion leeching further into every word he speaks, Kaveh's gaze falling back to the abandoned coffee cup on the bar table, the liquid dregs of almost opaque black in its base. ]
I don't know what I was thinking. I was frustrated, and embarrassed, and I told myself something would be better than nothing, but I just ended up feeling rejected and miserable. So I— [ he chuckles ] I did what you said I do. I threw myself into my work. Tried to ignore it. But it just kept feeling worse and worse, and I never saw you, and... then last night happened.
This time I tried to choose someone a little more like you, you know. But he was all wrong. I know I was loud, but... I wasn't enjoying myself. [ But he knows that last night's arousal speaks to something different, leading him to clarify, cheeks redder than before: ] Not the way I did with you.
[ Kaveh pauses, and takes a single deep breath before looking back up at Alhaitham. ]
...Okay. Now I'm done.