Is it not a question worth asking - especially considering the severity of this development?
[ - is his calm reply, his tone measured. something twinges inside him at the ghost of hurt crossing kaveh's face though, which in itself is strange - after all, the other has been upset with him numerous times (few deserved, most not), so much so that it was the dynamic that even their mutual acquaintances expected from them now. but now, now, that look appeared to mirror itself and hurt him in return. ]
You initiated this, so I think it's only fair to request a reason - why.
[ social hierarchy was so beyond alhaitham's sphere of interest, but he's well aware that kaveh is a lot of things he's not. popular, charismatic, easygoing (to other people). he could fall into the arms of anyone in sumeru without much effort, just like he'd done last night. the qualities kaveh had that he lacked didn't bother him so much - he had plenty others to make up for lacking a silver tongue - but somehow, the fact that kaveh could so easily change his mind?
that did.
clarification seemed important, when this eventuality - kaveh suddenly kissing him in the lounge - was such a remote one. ]
I didn't say I think that. It was simply a postulation given the evidence, of which I have very little.
If you don't have evidence, then shut up with your fucking postulations! [ It's practically yelled, the anger spiking in his chest, a result of the swarming panic that is the result of his fear of being kicked out— maybe even his fear of just being rejected— isn't that stupid, when he knows all too well that he could have pretty much anyone he wanted?
But he doesn't want just anyone. He wants the man standing in front of him, cold eyes and measured voice and words that are accidentally cruel. ] Has it occurred to you that maybe I kissed you because I wanted to?!
[ Kaveh's eyes close, his fists clenching tighter, his breath stuttered over his lips and heart racing. Yelling is getting him nowhere. He needs to calm down, even if somehow he knows that telling the truth will get him just as far, and just as quickly. After all, the dream he had was still physical, could still leave Alhaitham with the same conclusion he's reached already. Even if he wanted to share it.
And as for the rest... despite all appearances to the contrary, he likes living here, and owning up might make things even more awkward between the two of them. Not to mention that he has his pride—
(But does he? Does he really? How proud can he really be, to be standing before Alhaitham like this, all kissed-up neck and messy hair, eyes closed in an attempt to fight off tears of emotion after screaming at him, after having practically thrown himself at him only moments before?
Fuck, he's pathetic.)
Kaveh's arms fold across his chest protectively, his voice much smaller this time when he continues speaking. ]
[ the yelling, punctuated with coarse language, doesn't even make alhaitham flinch. he's used to kaveh's outbursts, yes, but he's also just too tired to get sucked into an impassioned argument again. so, the scribe simply keeps his eyes on kaveh's with that level gaze - though he does straighten up slightly, his hands leaving the wall and coming to rest at his sides instead.
it's impossible to tell what alhaitham's thinking, but what he's being told seems to make enough sense to him. kaveh, always the impulsive one, did this because 'he wanted to' - a whimsy, or an action of convenience. unlike the architect, alhaitham hadn't dallied much with anyone over his college and subsequent akademiya years, and even then? any relationships he'd had were purely transactional, functional in nature. sure, he'd had his own share of admirers, but they were always admirers from afar, no-one quite brave enough to approach the haravatat scholar and suggest a casual hookup.
so, as always, it's simple logic and a process of elimination. earlier in this - whatever this would be classified as - kaveh had indeed mentioned that maybe he'd just needed a physical outlet, someone to engage with to vent his frustration. the reasoning is sound, the correlated actions and reactions add up, and so when kaveh asks, 'isn't that enough?', alhaitham looks somewhat thoughtful. he shrugs gently. ]
Not a particularly eloquent reason, but I suppose it is one.
[ a distant, hollow feeling is starting to gnaw at his mind, but the scribe is objectively going to chalk that down to having two hours of sleep and experiencing an uncomfortable amount of emotional energy.
[ It should be a relief when Alhaitham's arms lower and he's no longer caged. He should be able to take solace in the fact that the scribe seems to take his words at face value, acknowledging them as a valid reason— despite their inelegance. There should be comfort in the fact that the frustration and even hurt is gone from the other's face, replaced by something calmer, more thoughtful.
Instead, he feels empty, a dull ache in his chest that says he's made a mistake; and perhaps for the first time in memory he's regretting the alcohol of the night before, the things he said and did and thought that have somehow landed him here.
But the upside perhaps is that Alhaitham seems somehow mollified by the conclusion he's reached, even if it's the wrong one— even if Kaveh's not exactly sure what that conclusion is— And all he has to do is agree and surely the whole mess will be over and forgotten and he can go back to pining in silence...
In better silence, though, since he failed so miserably at it this time. ]
Yeah, [ he says, and he's lying even though he told Alhaitham that he didn't want to do that. There's no way that the man in front of him can be something convenient, something transactional. But he shrugs anyway, averts his eyes because he can't look at him while the lies are on his tongue. ] Yeah, it's enough.
[ Maybe he'll take a nap, and then go get wasted again and try to pretend this whole thing never happened. ]
[ - which is meant to be a reassuring statement, even though in this miscommunicated context it doesn't quite hit the mark. it's baffling, really, why kaveh looks so downcast when alhaitham thought he was being rather agreeable considering - had he said something off-base again? likely, although usually the other would be more than happy to make him eat his words if that was the case.
even though they were such perfect foils for one another academically, the past day had only reinforced alhaitham's theory that on personal levels, they'd never see eye to eye. whatever half step they took forward was a full step back, whether it was kaveh's stubbornness or the scribe's bluntness that triggered the next cascade - and suddenly, the finality of his fatigue collapsed on him like a tonne of bricks.
he fixes the blonde with a momentary, scrutinising look - even though kaveh had decided to avert his gaze - and lets out a quiet huff, crossing his arms over his chest. ]
You should get some rest.
[ is the final, helpful observation he offers, though even when alhaitham is being genuine it's in the same tone as the rest of his speech and kaveh will probably still take it the wrong way.
he's too exhausted to continue this train of thought with the hope of any productive outcome. if he were to be an outlet for kaveh on an impulsive basis, so be it. it was a benefit to him as well, because it was inarguably pleasant, pleasurable to have the other the way he had just before. and if that was all it would be? that's all it would be.
the silence hangs for a further second before alhaitham looks away and withdraws, the sound of bare feet against the wooden floor echoing down the hall towards his rooms, in which he then quietly disappears. ]
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sempiternals2023-02-11 10:39 pm
no subject
[ - is his calm reply, his tone measured. something twinges inside him at the ghost of hurt crossing kaveh's face though, which in itself is strange - after all, the other has been upset with him numerous times (few deserved, most not), so much so that it was the dynamic that even their mutual acquaintances expected from them now. but now, now, that look appeared to mirror itself and hurt him in return. ]
You initiated this, so I think it's only fair to request a reason - why.
[ social hierarchy was so beyond alhaitham's sphere of interest, but he's well aware that kaveh is a lot of things he's not. popular, charismatic, easygoing (to other people). he could fall into the arms of anyone in sumeru without much effort, just like he'd done last night. the qualities kaveh had that he lacked didn't bother him so much - he had plenty others to make up for lacking a silver tongue - but somehow, the fact that kaveh could so easily change his mind?
that did.
clarification seemed important, when this eventuality - kaveh suddenly kissing him in the lounge - was such a remote one. ]
I didn't say I think that. It was simply a postulation given the evidence, of which I have very little.
no subject
But he doesn't want just anyone. He wants the man standing in front of him, cold eyes and measured voice and words that are accidentally cruel. ] Has it occurred to you that maybe I kissed you because I wanted to?!
[ Kaveh's eyes close, his fists clenching tighter, his breath stuttered over his lips and heart racing. Yelling is getting him nowhere. He needs to calm down, even if somehow he knows that telling the truth will get him just as far, and just as quickly. After all, the dream he had was still physical, could still leave Alhaitham with the same conclusion he's reached already. Even if he wanted to share it.
And as for the rest... despite all appearances to the contrary, he likes living here, and owning up might make things even more awkward between the two of them. Not to mention that he has his pride—
(But does he? Does he really? How proud can he really be, to be standing before Alhaitham like this, all kissed-up neck and messy hair, eyes closed in an attempt to fight off tears of emotion after screaming at him, after having practically thrown himself at him only moments before?
Fuck, he's pathetic.)
Kaveh's arms fold across his chest protectively, his voice much smaller this time when he continues speaking. ]
Isn't that enough?
no subject
it's impossible to tell what alhaitham's thinking, but what he's being told seems to make enough sense to him. kaveh, always the impulsive one, did this because 'he wanted to' - a whimsy, or an action of convenience. unlike the architect, alhaitham hadn't dallied much with anyone over his college and subsequent akademiya years, and even then? any relationships he'd had were purely transactional, functional in nature. sure, he'd had his own share of admirers, but they were always admirers from afar, no-one quite brave enough to approach the haravatat scholar and suggest a casual hookup.
so, as always, it's simple logic and a process of elimination. earlier in this - whatever this would be classified as - kaveh had indeed mentioned that maybe he'd just needed a physical outlet, someone to engage with to vent his frustration. the reasoning is sound, the correlated actions and reactions add up, and so when kaveh asks, 'isn't that enough?', alhaitham looks somewhat thoughtful. he shrugs gently. ]
Not a particularly eloquent reason, but I suppose it is one.
[ a distant, hollow feeling is starting to gnaw at his mind, but the scribe is objectively going to chalk that down to having two hours of sleep and experiencing an uncomfortable amount of emotional energy.
calmly he asks, voice low; ]
Is it enough for you?
no subject
Instead, he feels empty, a dull ache in his chest that says he's made a mistake; and perhaps for the first time in memory he's regretting the alcohol of the night before, the things he said and did and thought that have somehow landed him here.
But the upside perhaps is that Alhaitham seems somehow mollified by the conclusion he's reached, even if it's the wrong one— even if Kaveh's not exactly sure what that conclusion is— And all he has to do is agree and surely the whole mess will be over and forgotten and he can go back to pining in silence...
In better silence, though, since he failed so miserably at it this time. ]
Yeah, [ he says, and he's lying even though he told Alhaitham that he didn't want to do that. There's no way that the man in front of him can be something convenient, something transactional. But he shrugs anyway, averts his eyes because he can't look at him while the lies are on his tongue. ] Yeah, it's enough.
[ Maybe he'll take a nap, and then go get wasted again and try to pretend this whole thing never happened. ]
no subject
[ - which is meant to be a reassuring statement, even though in this miscommunicated context it doesn't quite hit the mark. it's baffling, really, why kaveh looks so downcast when alhaitham thought he was being rather agreeable considering - had he said something off-base again? likely, although usually the other would be more than happy to make him eat his words if that was the case.
even though they were such perfect foils for one another academically, the past day had only reinforced alhaitham's theory that on personal levels, they'd never see eye to eye. whatever half step they took forward was a full step back, whether it was kaveh's stubbornness or the scribe's bluntness that triggered the next cascade - and suddenly, the finality of his fatigue collapsed on him like a tonne of bricks.
he fixes the blonde with a momentary, scrutinising look - even though kaveh had decided to avert his gaze - and lets out a quiet huff, crossing his arms over his chest. ]
You should get some rest.
[ is the final, helpful observation he offers, though even when alhaitham is being genuine it's in the same tone as the rest of his speech and kaveh will probably still take it the wrong way.
he's too exhausted to continue this train of thought with the hope of any productive outcome. if he were to be an outlet for kaveh on an impulsive basis, so be it. it was a benefit to him as well, because it was inarguably pleasant, pleasurable to have the other the way he had just before. and if that was all it would be? that's all it would be.
the silence hangs for a further second before alhaitham looks away and withdraws, the sound of bare feet against the wooden floor echoing down the hall towards his rooms, in which he then quietly disappears. ]