Where he's going in the long run, he doesn't actually know— nor does he offer Alhaitham any clue as to his thoughts. He simply announces one day that he's leaving, and then over the week that follows he packs up his personal effects, sells off what can't come with him, and departs, leaving his former roommate with a house full of furniture he'd never have picked for himself.
The only stop he makes before boarding a boat to Inazuma is to the Veluriyam Mirage, ostensibly to check in on Idyia and the buildings he's put together for her— but also a little bit to say goodbye to the version of himself he knows she's made in his absence. The other Kaveh feels like a dream he's sought, a wish he's had for all these years, an answer he's wanted so desperately but has never been able to reach. A brother who cries, wishes him well, hugs him, before Kaveh walks away, and promises himself he'll never come back.
That night, for the first time ever, the eidolon is unable to sleep, staring into the dark of the mirage with his glowing blue eyes as he tosses and turns, thoughts and desires crowding his mind in a way he's simply never allowed them to before. Created, he was, as a wish version of the architect, a companion for Idyia to keep her company in this otherwise-lonely place. The original wasn't wrong in his assessment— the blue-haired man is everything he wants to be, born without the guilt or anxiety that keeps his actual self from reaching out past the walls of his own mind and heart. The eidolon knows of Kaveh's past, understands what happened, grieves for it— but recognizes that the past is past, that any fault the architect ascribes to himself is unjustified, unfair.
In fact, the only thing that's held him back from seeking that thing he most desires is that he knows Kaveh wants it too. And real though he may be, he feels that seeking it out would be to step over the bounds he's created for himself.
But now Kaveh is gone. Kaveh is gone, and Alhaitham is all alone in that house of which the eidolon has dreamt, and—
He leaves with the break of dawn, being certain to pack enough supplies to get him through the desert if the trek takes longer than he anticipates. (And it does, and in the end he has to stop at several watering holes anyway to rest and recover, the scorching heat taking a toll on his liquid core.) But anticipation drives him on, desire of a kind he's not allowed himself before; and by nightfall, he's rapping on the door of Alhaitham's house, a hint of arrogance playing at the otherwise warm smile on his lips. ]
I heard you've got a room free, [ he says, when the door opens. ]
( kaveh leaves for the second time, and this time, it feels final.
alhaitham is not unused to the rawness that kaveh’s absence gives him. years ago he had learned to compartmentalize that exact feeling, but as feelings go, they can’t be rationalized away. he is a man that breathes and feels and he has lost the most important thing in his life a second time and he does not know why.
part of him chides himself for not asking kaveh to stay; who is he to request something so selfish and personal of kaveh? this is kaveh’s choice. alhaitham would never stand in his way. if kaveh must go, then he must go.
it doesn’t make it any easier.
the house feels haunted by kaveh, still. golden strands of hair caught between cushions, kaveh’s mug he liked to steal from alhaitham’s collection, the room slowly gathering dust without kaveh’s constant bustling fiddling.
the knock is a surprise. there is no hope in expecting kaveh to be there - that is not them, and that is worthless to pine over - but when he does open the door (wearing his usual shirt but now looser pants and his cape gone and hanging by the door, he almost looks younger despite the bags under his eyes) and he stops. he stops for the first time in weeks.
distant memories of texts and the like remind him this is not kaveh, but a being that has his memories. )
Unoccupied, yeah. ( why is the eidolon here? did kaveh send him? ugh. he folds his arms. ) Didn’t I just free my home of noise?
[ The original Kaveh, perhaps, would be offended by Alhaitham's statement, would read too far into it and take it more seriously than it's meant, would fail in his offense to see through the words to the secrets between them, to the almost casual look of the scribe's clothing and the sleeplessness under his eyes.
The eidolon makes no such mistake. He registers the words, of course, but they come second to the way the other man looks, an empathetic softness crossing his expression as he moves a step closer, and he asks for no permission before he lifts a hand, brushing a gentle thumb over the dark puffiness under one of those sharp emerald eyes.
(And maybe for the barest of moments, there's doubt— if Alhaitham has fallen apart like this over Kaveh's departure, can a mere copy put him back together again?— but it's something he's able to shake off in the next moment, a sweet smile tugging at the corners of his lips.) ]
You haven't been sleeping properly, [ he murmurs. It's a statement, not a question, and there's something knowing in his expression, his fingers slipping to rest against the other's cheek. ] Perhaps the noise helps you more than you know, Haitham— or maybe you just miss him?
[ Despite the fact that he's meeting Alhaitham in the flesh for the first time, Kaveh wears a confidence his original never allows himself. He may not be Alhaitham's Kaveh, but he is someone who holds Kaveh's memories, personality, experiences— even his appearance. And Alhaitham, he's mourning the loss of someone he never had, someone the eidolon wants to be for him— ]
Let me take the spare room. I can work to make the rent.
( this is not how it should be. blanks are quickly being filled in but that does not bring him any comfort.
the touches alone feel like an absolute betrayal of everything unspoken that had been teetering back and forth for years. kaveh would never touch him in such a way. kaveh would show that he was concerned in the most roundabout ways but this? it feels like a slap to a ghost’s face to allow it.
alhaitham’s jawline tightens as he stares a little harder at the eidolon. )
That is between he and I. ( whether he misses him or not. which he does. but why tell a copy of kaveh that and not the man itself? )
Will you be any more successful than he was at that?
( alhaitham steps aside to free up the doorway. even if this feels cheap, he knows kaveh would gladly invite his double and likely the entirety of sumeru city into their home if they were in need. that, at least, is something alhaitham can allow. even if the eidolon’s smile makes his stomach ache. )
[ The eidolon takes the hint; in response to the tightening of Alhaitham's jaw, the hardened stare, he lets his hand fall back to his side. He doesn't want to push the other man too far, after all— though he does accept the reluctant invitation inherent in the way he shifts to the side, stepping over the threshold and into the house.
Perhaps, [ he says, and his voice is gentle where the original's would usually be pitched, frantic with frustration and hurt, ] you should give me a chance before being so quick to dismiss me.
[ It's not that he's immune to the frustration borne of Alhaitham's signature moodiness, much less when it's made worse by the pain of losing someone about whom he cares. But loss is a pain he understands, and with how Kaveh feels about Alhaitham— how he feels about Alhaitham— he's willing to be patient, to let the other come around in his own time. After all, what he wants is for the scribe to allow himself the risk, to give this new Kaveh the chance for which he's asked.
And he doesn't mean only in this moment, but in general— he wants Alhaitham to give him a chance, not just his capability to pay rent. As difficult as it may be, he wants the scribe to see him for who he is, not merely as a reflection of someone else. ]
As for the rent, you don't have to worry. [ A ghost of a smile on his lips, something wistful but genuine nonetheless. ] After all, Sumeru City has recently come in need of a genius architect.
( the words and reasoning seem fine enough, and it’s not difficult to notice that this version of kaveh speaks so plainly and without the short-fuze of the original. there is no knee-jerk reaction to banter or rile him up simply for the sake of seeing how his brows furrow and how his face looks when it’s flushed and pink. … his chest aches again.
especially when those last few words process.
frowning, almost coldly, he looks back at the eidolon. )
You are not replacing him. ( he may pursue his own path and fame but he is not standing in for kaveh. not like that. not ever. no one can just fill that void. not for alhaitham; he won’t allow it. )
[ For the first time since Alhaitham opened the door to him, the eidolon looks offended— perhaps even angry— in response to his words, to the cold look on his face.
(So much for lacking a short fuse—) ]
I'm not trying to replace him. [ His tone is rich and full with the same anger the original would carry, a shake of his head and a scowl the exact same hallmark of frustration. ] That would be foolish of me when we're not the same. Do you honestly think I'm blind to it, Alhaitham? Just because I share his thoughts and feelings doesn't mean—
[ He sighs, closing his eyes and taking a breath. This isn't the way he wanted this to go, damnit... ]
I'm not going to pretend to be him, if that's what you're worrying about. That wouldn't be right, and it's not why I came here.
( the tight line of alhaitham’s shoulders receed. it is not enough to calm him, but the dismissive harshness from earlier has fizzled and now left him with the reminder he is a man mourning for someone not dead, but gone.
alhaitham exhales very, very slowly before he finally regards the eidolon with more than a cursory look. )
Then why did you come here?
( kaveh couldn’t have sent him. kaveh wouldn’t have ever speculated how empty the house would be without him. so… why did the eidolon make this trip just to live a normal life and share a space with someone who made his original a living hell? )
[ It's a fair question, one that the eidolon accepts with a nod. The easing of tension in Alhaitham's shoulders makes him feel better about answering it with the honesty it deserves, too, even as he knows it's an answer that will likely upset the scribe all over again.
And perhaps this is where the differences begin between the man who left and the eidolon still here: Kaveh's truth is something unspoken not only because he's terrified of the answer, but also because he worries about the imposition on the recipient of his feelings, left guilty at even the thought of making Alhaitham uncomfortable.
Without the crippling guilt and anxiety of Kaveh's past, the eidolon is confident that he can fix anything he breaks— and as a creature made of wishes, running from what he wants is something unthinkable.
So he smiles, something gentle with understanding and apology, and a hand lifts to his chest, across his heart as if swearing on something unknown. ]
in a way, the news does not startle nor surprise him; it feels like an immutable fact of the universe. kaveh loves him. even if this is a manifestion of kaveh’s - built on wishes and hopes, was it? - he loves him.
alhaitham would not claim to be a romantic man. not in the way most people would describe romance to be. yet, there is the sudden urge to expend all his mora on tracking down the stubborn blonde and pushing him to a wall and making him understand.
but kaveh ran. kaveh left. love was not enough to keep him here and kaveh’s decision was not to love but to move on.
alhaitham exhales slowly, the ache deepening in his bones. he stares at the eidolon, expression unchanged, for perhaps an eerie amount of time.
this kaveh ran to him, out of love. what a predicament to be in. )
Then you have some idea how I already feel. The both of you.
( that his love burns so brightly for kaveh that it overshadows most other things in his life.
[ There's something about the look on the other's face— unchanged, but speaking to something perhaps even the scribe himself doesn't realize— that breaks the eidolon's heart. Like Kaveh, Alhaitham suspected, Alhaitham knew somehow in the deepest part of him; yet somehow, neither of them dared reach out. Kaveh left, and Alhaitham won't chase after him. The eidolon knows this as surely as he knows that the man whose heart he shares won't come back.
His smile, soft with gentle tenderness, softens yet more into something sad. ]
I do. He does too, but...
[ He shakes his head. Perhaps there's no need to explain: after all, the only person who perhaps knows Kaveh as well as he does is the man in front of him right now. They both know why the architect chose not to say anything, why he left instead of take the chance. Kaveh believed he didn't deserve happiness. Kaveh was scared of the slim possibility that he was wrong. Kaveh was afraid, deeply afraid, of being right and somehow ruining things again, digging a crevasse between them impossible to bridge.
The eidolon sighs, and chances a step forward, laying a hand across the other man's forearm. ]
I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, I'll understand. But... [ he shrugs, that soft smile finding his lips once more. ] I had to take a chance.
( the loneliness is crippling. alhaitham knows he can’t go back to a life without kaveh, not after all that has happened. so if this makes him the most selfish man in sumeru, so be it. )
… it will be empty, for you.
( a word of caution, of honesty, in the face of confession. )
Those feelings for him will not go away nor are they capable of being reproduced. ( he will only love kaveh, in his flaws and his weaknesses.
… ) But if that is enough for you, then. ( he does not flinch from the other’s touch. ) Then it will be enough for me.
( he is willing to fall into this selfishness and hole kaveh has left in shape of the two of them. )
[ The eidolon shakes his head again. What Alhaitham says is somehow the only acceptance he expected, but despite that fact there's still a sharp stirring of disappointment in his gut at the reminder: the man he loves will always belong wholly to someone else. ]
I wouldn't expect anything else, [ is what he says, honest even as he tries to keep the sadness he feels hidden under the surface. He knew this, he expected this, and yet he came anyway, shining with hope—
And the truth is that he'll accept anything from Alhaitham, even if it leaves him feeling empty on the inside. At the core of him, after all, he is Kaveh— someone who would give his whole heart to Alhaitham, even if it meant it was handed back to him in shattered pieces. ]
It's enough for me, as long as you understand I'll never stop hoping that you'll find room in your heart for someone else too.
( it’s cruel, but alhaitham knows it would be worse to turn him away. to deny both of them. so long as there is understanding, an agreement, he can pretend that this is not set for a path of mutually self-assured destruction.
a sigh of relief. small, but there. this isn’t kaveh, but the ache is less. what’s perhaps the most selish, however, is what he does next.
without preamble, alhaitham extends his hand and cups kaveh’s cheek. he thumbs at his chin to lift it up and then tilts his head down and claims a very slow kiss to eidolon’s mouth. )
[ There's a soft sigh of content on his lips when Alhaitham's mouth finds his, and if the scribe is selfish then so is he, because there's no hesitation to the way he takes what is offered, takes what by rights belongs to someone very much like him. His arms circle Alhaitham's shoulders, anchoring the other close to him, eyes falling shut as he answers the kiss—
And oh, what a strange sensation it is, to be kissed for the first time with only the memory of a feeling in his mind, to answer from instinct and memory despite a lack of experience.
Does he have a heart of his own? The eidolon doesn't know, but right now it feels like it's going to burst out of his chest regardless. ]
( the kiss feels good. would kissing kaveh feel this good, too? he tells himself he shouldn’t dwell on this. it’s selfish but it’s also self-sabotaging and he’s already blaming kaveh for doing that.
so, he’ll focus on as quickly as he can plunging his tongue into the eidolon’s mouth to chase this feeling. this isn’t his first kiss, but it’s one of few. and it’s the first one he hasn’t felt objectively guilty about because he’s been pining over someone else.
his fingers tangle in kaveh’s hair and he tugs him closer with his free hand at his waist. )
[ The eidolon answers the plunge of Alhaitham's tongue into his mouth with a whimper, and a slow lick over the flesh, and he follows the tug of the other's hand to step in closer; their bodies flush, his own arms move to circle the scribe's shoulders, anchoring them against one another.
If this is self-sabotage, it's self-sabotage of the best kind. ]
Take me to bed, [ he murmurs around Alhaitham's mouth, paying no heed to how he makes the offer far too quickly, thinking only of that for which he knows he's been waiting, for what he knows the other has been waiting, too—
( there’s that bratty and confident edge that’s very familiar. it sends an immediate jolt through alhaitham’s system and all of this feels so kaveh. weak to it, he curves the ghost of a smile against kaveh’s mouth. )
So demanding. Not even a please?
( whether or not he plans to sink fully into temptation so soon is debatable, but what’s the harm of indulging in something? would it be so bad to share some skinship and exploration?
alhaitham will not pick him up as he would have done in other situations, but he does secure both hands on kaveh’s hips and takes a deliberate step forward toward the hallway to his bedroom. )
[ The eidolon laughs against Alhaitham's lips, enjoying the feel of the barest hint of the smile quirking upwards at the corners of his mouth. Despite knowing in the deepest part of him how bad this is, how dangerous, how self-destructive, the smile feels like a reward— one he is all too willing to accept. ]
Mm, you're right. How rude of me, [ he responds with a laugh of his own, falling back a step in synchronicity with the other's movement toward the bedroom. He breaks the kiss to press his lips to Alhaitham's jaw, punctuating the movement with a playful bite. ]
Please.
[ One hand drops from the other's shoulders, skimming down over his back and anchoring against the curve of his ass. ]
Please.
[ And he moves his head once more, tongue finding the shell of Alhaitham's ear, a ghost of breath over the skin. ]
( it’s something straight from his dreams. kaveh’s eagerness and confidence seeps into alhaitham’s very core and any hesitation he had about this fades into the background. this is kaveh, a part of him. this is not some stranger. )
Good boy.
( he murmurs it lowly before he caves to temptation and drops both hands to kaveh’s ass. the squeeze is brief before he forcefully yanks the other up into the air against his chest so he can move them much faster to the bedroom. that, and the beginnings of his erecting can press nicely to kaveh’s thigh, the friction alone enough to make him gasp. )
[ "Good boy," Alhaitham says, and oh, apparently that's something he likes; his hips make a little arch all of their own accord and he mumbles a groan into the scribe's ear; although the sound becomes a yelp in the next moment, something gasped and laughed at the same time as his ass is gripped, lifted and pulled up against the other man's form. ]
Oh—
[ His hand lifts from the other's back to find a solid hold around his shoulders again, securing his position, head turning back so his mouth can catch Alhaitham's once more, tongue skimming and teeth following with nips and bites until the thin line of his mouth looks red and swollen with them. ]
Please, Haitham.
[ It's another mumble, a whisper buried in the corner of his mouth, an arch of his hips against the burgeoning arousal he can feel against his thigh. After all, asking the first few times worked out so nicely for him; why wouldn't he continue to plead? ]
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indigently) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sempiternals2023-08-05 10:13 am
all that you can't leave behind;
Where he's going in the long run, he doesn't actually know— nor does he offer Alhaitham any clue as to his thoughts. He simply announces one day that he's leaving, and then over the week that follows he packs up his personal effects, sells off what can't come with him, and departs, leaving his former roommate with a house full of furniture he'd never have picked for himself.
The only stop he makes before boarding a boat to Inazuma is to the Veluriyam Mirage, ostensibly to check in on Idyia and the buildings he's put together for her— but also a little bit to say goodbye to the version of himself he knows she's made in his absence. The other Kaveh feels like a dream he's sought, a wish he's had for all these years, an answer he's wanted so desperately but has never been able to reach. A brother who cries, wishes him well, hugs him, before Kaveh walks away, and promises himself he'll never come back.
That night, for the first time ever, the eidolon is unable to sleep, staring into the dark of the mirage with his glowing blue eyes as he tosses and turns, thoughts and desires crowding his mind in a way he's simply never allowed them to before. Created, he was, as a wish version of the architect, a companion for Idyia to keep her company in this otherwise-lonely place. The original wasn't wrong in his assessment— the blue-haired man is everything he wants to be, born without the guilt or anxiety that keeps his actual self from reaching out past the walls of his own mind and heart. The eidolon knows of Kaveh's past, understands what happened, grieves for it— but recognizes that the past is past, that any fault the architect ascribes to himself is unjustified, unfair.
In fact, the only thing that's held him back from seeking that thing he most desires is that he knows Kaveh wants it too. And real though he may be, he feels that seeking it out would be to step over the bounds he's created for himself.
But now Kaveh is gone. Kaveh is gone, and Alhaitham is all alone in that house of which the eidolon has dreamt, and—
He leaves with the break of dawn, being certain to pack enough supplies to get him through the desert if the trek takes longer than he anticipates. (And it does, and in the end he has to stop at several watering holes anyway to rest and recover, the scorching heat taking a toll on his liquid core.) But anticipation drives him on, desire of a kind he's not allowed himself before; and by nightfall, he's rapping on the door of Alhaitham's house, a hint of arrogance playing at the otherwise warm smile on his lips. ]
I heard you've got a room free, [ he says, when the door opens. ]
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alhaitham is not unused to the rawness that kaveh’s absence gives him. years ago he had learned to compartmentalize that exact feeling, but as feelings go, they can’t be rationalized away. he is a man that breathes and feels and he has lost the most important thing in his life a second time and he does not know why.
part of him chides himself for not asking kaveh to stay; who is he to request something so selfish and personal of kaveh? this is kaveh’s choice. alhaitham would never stand in his way. if kaveh must go, then he must go.
it doesn’t make it any easier.
the house feels haunted by kaveh, still. golden strands of hair caught between cushions, kaveh’s mug he liked to steal from alhaitham’s collection, the room slowly gathering dust without kaveh’s constant bustling fiddling.
the knock is a surprise. there is no hope in expecting kaveh to be there - that is not them, and that is worthless to pine over - but when he does open the door (wearing his usual shirt but now looser pants and his cape gone and hanging by the door, he almost looks younger despite the bags under his eyes) and he stops. he stops for the first time in weeks.
distant memories of texts and the like remind him this is not kaveh, but a being that has his memories. )
Unoccupied, yeah. ( why is the eidolon here? did kaveh send him? ugh. he folds his arms. ) Didn’t I just free my home of noise?
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The eidolon makes no such mistake. He registers the words, of course, but they come second to the way the other man looks, an empathetic softness crossing his expression as he moves a step closer, and he asks for no permission before he lifts a hand, brushing a gentle thumb over the dark puffiness under one of those sharp emerald eyes.
(And maybe for the barest of moments, there's doubt— if Alhaitham has fallen apart like this over Kaveh's departure, can a mere copy put him back together again?— but it's something he's able to shake off in the next moment, a sweet smile tugging at the corners of his lips.) ]
You haven't been sleeping properly, [ he murmurs. It's a statement, not a question, and there's something knowing in his expression, his fingers slipping to rest against the other's cheek. ] Perhaps the noise helps you more than you know, Haitham— or maybe you just miss him?
[ Despite the fact that he's meeting Alhaitham in the flesh for the first time, Kaveh wears a confidence his original never allows himself. He may not be Alhaitham's Kaveh, but he is someone who holds Kaveh's memories, personality, experiences— even his appearance. And Alhaitham, he's mourning the loss of someone he never had, someone the eidolon wants to be for him— ]
Let me take the spare room. I can work to make the rent.
no subject
the touches alone feel like an absolute betrayal of everything unspoken that had been teetering back and forth for years. kaveh would never touch him in such a way. kaveh would show that he was concerned in the most roundabout ways but this? it feels like a slap to a ghost’s face to allow it.
alhaitham’s jawline tightens as he stares a little harder at the eidolon. )
That is between he and I. ( whether he misses him or not. which he does. but why tell a copy of kaveh that and not the man itself? )
Will you be any more successful than he was at that?
( alhaitham steps aside to free up the doorway. even if this feels cheap, he knows kaveh would gladly invite his double and likely the entirety of sumeru city into their home if they were in need. that, at least, is something alhaitham can allow. even if the eidolon’s smile makes his stomach ache. )
no subject
(And despite Alhaitham's clear displeasure, despite this not going the way he wished in naïveté that it would, whatever the eidolon has in place of a heart leaves him feeling a little giddy, a funny feeling in his chest borne of the joy of being finally here.) ]
Perhaps, [ he says, and his voice is gentle where the original's would usually be pitched, frantic with frustration and hurt, ] you should give me a chance before being so quick to dismiss me.
[ It's not that he's immune to the frustration borne of Alhaitham's signature moodiness, much less when it's made worse by the pain of losing someone about whom he cares. But loss is a pain he understands, and with how Kaveh feels about Alhaitham— how he feels about Alhaitham— he's willing to be patient, to let the other come around in his own time. After all, what he wants is for the scribe to allow himself the risk, to give this new Kaveh the chance for which he's asked.
And he doesn't mean only in this moment, but in general— he wants Alhaitham to give him a chance, not just his capability to pay rent. As difficult as it may be, he wants the scribe to see him for who he is, not merely as a reflection of someone else. ]
As for the rent, you don't have to worry. [ A ghost of a smile on his lips, something wistful but genuine nonetheless. ] After all, Sumeru City has recently come in need of a genius architect.
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especially when those last few words process.
frowning, almost coldly, he looks back at the eidolon. )
You are not replacing him. ( he may pursue his own path and fame but he is not standing in for kaveh. not like that. not ever. no one can just fill that void. not for alhaitham; he won’t allow it. )
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(So much for lacking a short fuse—) ]
I'm not trying to replace him. [ His tone is rich and full with the same anger the original would carry, a shake of his head and a scowl the exact same hallmark of frustration. ] That would be foolish of me when we're not the same. Do you honestly think I'm blind to it, Alhaitham? Just because I share his thoughts and feelings doesn't mean—
[ He sighs, closing his eyes and taking a breath. This isn't the way he wanted this to go, damnit... ]
I'm not going to pretend to be him, if that's what you're worrying about. That wouldn't be right, and it's not why I came here.
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alhaitham exhales very, very slowly before he finally regards the eidolon with more than a cursory look. )
Then why did you come here?
( kaveh couldn’t have sent him. kaveh wouldn’t have ever speculated how empty the house would be without him. so… why did the eidolon make this trip just to live a normal life and share a space with someone who made his original a living hell? )
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And perhaps this is where the differences begin between the man who left and the eidolon still here: Kaveh's truth is something unspoken not only because he's terrified of the answer, but also because he worries about the imposition on the recipient of his feelings, left guilty at even the thought of making Alhaitham uncomfortable.
Without the crippling guilt and anxiety of Kaveh's past, the eidolon is confident that he can fix anything he breaks— and as a creature made of wishes, running from what he wants is something unthinkable.
So he smiles, something gentle with understanding and apology, and a hand lifts to his chest, across his heart as if swearing on something unknown. ]
I came for you, Alhaitham. I'm in love with you.
no subject
in a way, the news does not startle nor surprise him; it feels like an immutable fact of the universe. kaveh loves him. even if this is a manifestion of kaveh’s - built on wishes and hopes, was it? - he loves him.
alhaitham would not claim to be a romantic man. not in the way most people would describe romance to be. yet, there is the sudden urge to expend all his mora on tracking down the stubborn blonde and pushing him to a wall and making him understand.
but kaveh ran. kaveh left. love was not enough to keep him here and kaveh’s decision was not to love but to move on.
alhaitham exhales slowly, the ache deepening in his bones. he stares at the eidolon, expression unchanged, for perhaps an eerie amount of time.
this kaveh ran to him, out of love. what a predicament to be in. )
Then you have some idea how I already feel. The both of you.
( that his love burns so brightly for kaveh that it overshadows most other things in his life.
… did kaveh know that? had he not caught on? )
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His smile, soft with gentle tenderness, softens yet more into something sad. ]
I do. He does too, but...
[ He shakes his head. Perhaps there's no need to explain: after all, the only person who perhaps knows Kaveh as well as he does is the man in front of him right now. They both know why the architect chose not to say anything, why he left instead of take the chance. Kaveh believed he didn't deserve happiness. Kaveh was scared of the slim possibility that he was wrong. Kaveh was afraid, deeply afraid, of being right and somehow ruining things again, digging a crevasse between them impossible to bridge.
The eidolon sighs, and chances a step forward, laying a hand across the other man's forearm. ]
I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, I'll understand. But... [ he shrugs, that soft smile finding his lips once more. ] I had to take a chance.
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… it will be empty, for you.
( a word of caution, of honesty, in the face of confession. )
Those feelings for him will not go away nor are they capable of being reproduced. ( he will only love kaveh, in his flaws and his weaknesses.
… ) But if that is enough for you, then. ( he does not flinch from the other’s touch. ) Then it will be enough for me.
( he is willing to fall into this selfishness and hole kaveh has left in shape of the two of them. )
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I wouldn't expect anything else, [ is what he says, honest even as he tries to keep the sadness he feels hidden under the surface. He knew this, he expected this, and yet he came anyway, shining with hope—
And the truth is that he'll accept anything from Alhaitham, even if it leaves him feeling empty on the inside. At the core of him, after all, he is Kaveh— someone who would give his whole heart to Alhaitham, even if it meant it was handed back to him in shattered pieces. ]
It's enough for me, as long as you understand I'll never stop hoping that you'll find room in your heart for someone else too.
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a sigh of relief. small, but there. this isn’t kaveh, but the ache is less. what’s perhaps the most selish, however, is what he does next.
without preamble, alhaitham extends his hand and cups kaveh’s cheek. he thumbs at his chin to lift it up and then tilts his head down and claims a very slow kiss to eidolon’s mouth. )
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And oh, what a strange sensation it is, to be kissed for the first time with only the memory of a feeling in his mind, to answer from instinct and memory despite a lack of experience.
Does he have a heart of his own? The eidolon doesn't know, but right now it feels like it's going to burst out of his chest regardless. ]
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so, he’ll focus on as quickly as he can plunging his tongue into the eidolon’s mouth to chase this feeling. this isn’t his first kiss, but it’s one of few. and it’s the first one he hasn’t felt objectively guilty about because he’s been pining over someone else.
his fingers tangle in kaveh’s hair and he tugs him closer with his free hand at his waist. )
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If this is self-sabotage, it's self-sabotage of the best kind. ]
Take me to bed, [ he murmurs around Alhaitham's mouth, paying no heed to how he makes the offer far too quickly, thinking only of that for which he knows he's been waiting, for what he knows the other has been waiting, too—
Even if not with him. ]
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So demanding. Not even a please?
( whether or not he plans to sink fully into temptation so soon is debatable, but what’s the harm of indulging in something? would it be so bad to share some skinship and exploration?
alhaitham will not pick him up as he would have done in other situations, but he does secure both hands on kaveh’s hips and takes a deliberate step forward toward the hallway to his bedroom. )
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Mm, you're right. How rude of me, [ he responds with a laugh of his own, falling back a step in synchronicity with the other's movement toward the bedroom. He breaks the kiss to press his lips to Alhaitham's jaw, punctuating the movement with a playful bite. ]
Please.
[ One hand drops from the other's shoulders, skimming down over his back and anchoring against the curve of his ass. ]
Please.
[ And he moves his head once more, tongue finding the shell of Alhaitham's ear, a ghost of breath over the skin. ]
Please.
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Good boy.
( he murmurs it lowly before he caves to temptation and drops both hands to kaveh’s ass. the squeeze is brief before he forcefully yanks the other up into the air against his chest so he can move them much faster to the bedroom. that, and the beginnings of his erecting can press nicely to kaveh’s thigh, the friction alone enough to make him gasp. )
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Oh—
[ His hand lifts from the other's back to find a solid hold around his shoulders again, securing his position, head turning back so his mouth can catch Alhaitham's once more, tongue skimming and teeth following with nips and bites until the thin line of his mouth looks red and swollen with them. ]
Please, Haitham.
[ It's another mumble, a whisper buried in the corner of his mouth, an arch of his hips against the burgeoning arousal he can feel against his thigh. After all, asking the first few times worked out so nicely for him; why wouldn't he continue to plead? ]