[ For the first time since Alhaitham opened the door to him, the eidolon looks offended— perhaps even angry— in response to his words, to the cold look on his face.
(So much for lacking a short fuse—) ]
I'm not trying to replace him. [ His tone is rich and full with the same anger the original would carry, a shake of his head and a scowl the exact same hallmark of frustration. ] That would be foolish of me when we're not the same. Do you honestly think I'm blind to it, Alhaitham? Just because I share his thoughts and feelings doesn't mean—
[ He sighs, closing his eyes and taking a breath. This isn't the way he wanted this to go, damnit... ]
I'm not going to pretend to be him, if that's what you're worrying about. That wouldn't be right, and it's not why I came here.
( the tight line of alhaitham’s shoulders receed. it is not enough to calm him, but the dismissive harshness from earlier has fizzled and now left him with the reminder he is a man mourning for someone not dead, but gone.
alhaitham exhales very, very slowly before he finally regards the eidolon with more than a cursory look. )
Then why did you come here?
( kaveh couldn’t have sent him. kaveh wouldn’t have ever speculated how empty the house would be without him. so… why did the eidolon make this trip just to live a normal life and share a space with someone who made his original a living hell? )
[ It's a fair question, one that the eidolon accepts with a nod. The easing of tension in Alhaitham's shoulders makes him feel better about answering it with the honesty it deserves, too, even as he knows it's an answer that will likely upset the scribe all over again.
And perhaps this is where the differences begin between the man who left and the eidolon still here: Kaveh's truth is something unspoken not only because he's terrified of the answer, but also because he worries about the imposition on the recipient of his feelings, left guilty at even the thought of making Alhaitham uncomfortable.
Without the crippling guilt and anxiety of Kaveh's past, the eidolon is confident that he can fix anything he breaks— and as a creature made of wishes, running from what he wants is something unthinkable.
So he smiles, something gentle with understanding and apology, and a hand lifts to his chest, across his heart as if swearing on something unknown. ]
in a way, the news does not startle nor surprise him; it feels like an immutable fact of the universe. kaveh loves him. even if this is a manifestion of kaveh’s - built on wishes and hopes, was it? - he loves him.
alhaitham would not claim to be a romantic man. not in the way most people would describe romance to be. yet, there is the sudden urge to expend all his mora on tracking down the stubborn blonde and pushing him to a wall and making him understand.
but kaveh ran. kaveh left. love was not enough to keep him here and kaveh’s decision was not to love but to move on.
alhaitham exhales slowly, the ache deepening in his bones. he stares at the eidolon, expression unchanged, for perhaps an eerie amount of time.
this kaveh ran to him, out of love. what a predicament to be in. )
Then you have some idea how I already feel. The both of you.
( that his love burns so brightly for kaveh that it overshadows most other things in his life.
[ There's something about the look on the other's face— unchanged, but speaking to something perhaps even the scribe himself doesn't realize— that breaks the eidolon's heart. Like Kaveh, Alhaitham suspected, Alhaitham knew somehow in the deepest part of him; yet somehow, neither of them dared reach out. Kaveh left, and Alhaitham won't chase after him. The eidolon knows this as surely as he knows that the man whose heart he shares won't come back.
His smile, soft with gentle tenderness, softens yet more into something sad. ]
I do. He does too, but...
[ He shakes his head. Perhaps there's no need to explain: after all, the only person who perhaps knows Kaveh as well as he does is the man in front of him right now. They both know why the architect chose not to say anything, why he left instead of take the chance. Kaveh believed he didn't deserve happiness. Kaveh was scared of the slim possibility that he was wrong. Kaveh was afraid, deeply afraid, of being right and somehow ruining things again, digging a crevasse between them impossible to bridge.
The eidolon sighs, and chances a step forward, laying a hand across the other man's forearm. ]
I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, I'll understand. But... [ he shrugs, that soft smile finding his lips once more. ] I had to take a chance.
( the loneliness is crippling. alhaitham knows he can’t go back to a life without kaveh, not after all that has happened. so if this makes him the most selfish man in sumeru, so be it. )
… it will be empty, for you.
( a word of caution, of honesty, in the face of confession. )
Those feelings for him will not go away nor are they capable of being reproduced. ( he will only love kaveh, in his flaws and his weaknesses.
… ) But if that is enough for you, then. ( he does not flinch from the other’s touch. ) Then it will be enough for me.
( he is willing to fall into this selfishness and hole kaveh has left in shape of the two of them. )
[ The eidolon shakes his head again. What Alhaitham says is somehow the only acceptance he expected, but despite that fact there's still a sharp stirring of disappointment in his gut at the reminder: the man he loves will always belong wholly to someone else. ]
I wouldn't expect anything else, [ is what he says, honest even as he tries to keep the sadness he feels hidden under the surface. He knew this, he expected this, and yet he came anyway, shining with hope—
And the truth is that he'll accept anything from Alhaitham, even if it leaves him feeling empty on the inside. At the core of him, after all, he is Kaveh— someone who would give his whole heart to Alhaitham, even if it meant it was handed back to him in shattered pieces. ]
It's enough for me, as long as you understand I'll never stop hoping that you'll find room in your heart for someone else too.
( it’s cruel, but alhaitham knows it would be worse to turn him away. to deny both of them. so long as there is understanding, an agreement, he can pretend that this is not set for a path of mutually self-assured destruction.
a sigh of relief. small, but there. this isn’t kaveh, but the ache is less. what’s perhaps the most selish, however, is what he does next.
without preamble, alhaitham extends his hand and cups kaveh’s cheek. he thumbs at his chin to lift it up and then tilts his head down and claims a very slow kiss to eidolon’s mouth. )
[ There's a soft sigh of content on his lips when Alhaitham's mouth finds his, and if the scribe is selfish then so is he, because there's no hesitation to the way he takes what is offered, takes what by rights belongs to someone very much like him. His arms circle Alhaitham's shoulders, anchoring the other close to him, eyes falling shut as he answers the kiss—
And oh, what a strange sensation it is, to be kissed for the first time with only the memory of a feeling in his mind, to answer from instinct and memory despite a lack of experience.
Does he have a heart of his own? The eidolon doesn't know, but right now it feels like it's going to burst out of his chest regardless. ]
( the kiss feels good. would kissing kaveh feel this good, too? he tells himself he shouldn’t dwell on this. it’s selfish but it’s also self-sabotaging and he’s already blaming kaveh for doing that.
so, he’ll focus on as quickly as he can plunging his tongue into the eidolon’s mouth to chase this feeling. this isn’t his first kiss, but it’s one of few. and it’s the first one he hasn’t felt objectively guilty about because he’s been pining over someone else.
his fingers tangle in kaveh’s hair and he tugs him closer with his free hand at his waist. )
[ The eidolon answers the plunge of Alhaitham's tongue into his mouth with a whimper, and a slow lick over the flesh, and he follows the tug of the other's hand to step in closer; their bodies flush, his own arms move to circle the scribe's shoulders, anchoring them against one another.
If this is self-sabotage, it's self-sabotage of the best kind. ]
Take me to bed, [ he murmurs around Alhaitham's mouth, paying no heed to how he makes the offer far too quickly, thinking only of that for which he knows he's been waiting, for what he knows the other has been waiting, too—
( there’s that bratty and confident edge that’s very familiar. it sends an immediate jolt through alhaitham’s system and all of this feels so kaveh. weak to it, he curves the ghost of a smile against kaveh’s mouth. )
So demanding. Not even a please?
( whether or not he plans to sink fully into temptation so soon is debatable, but what’s the harm of indulging in something? would it be so bad to share some skinship and exploration?
alhaitham will not pick him up as he would have done in other situations, but he does secure both hands on kaveh’s hips and takes a deliberate step forward toward the hallway to his bedroom. )
[ The eidolon laughs against Alhaitham's lips, enjoying the feel of the barest hint of the smile quirking upwards at the corners of his mouth. Despite knowing in the deepest part of him how bad this is, how dangerous, how self-destructive, the smile feels like a reward— one he is all too willing to accept. ]
Mm, you're right. How rude of me, [ he responds with a laugh of his own, falling back a step in synchronicity with the other's movement toward the bedroom. He breaks the kiss to press his lips to Alhaitham's jaw, punctuating the movement with a playful bite. ]
Please.
[ One hand drops from the other's shoulders, skimming down over his back and anchoring against the curve of his ass. ]
Please.
[ And he moves his head once more, tongue finding the shell of Alhaitham's ear, a ghost of breath over the skin. ]
( it’s something straight from his dreams. kaveh’s eagerness and confidence seeps into alhaitham’s very core and any hesitation he had about this fades into the background. this is kaveh, a part of him. this is not some stranger. )
Good boy.
( he murmurs it lowly before he caves to temptation and drops both hands to kaveh’s ass. the squeeze is brief before he forcefully yanks the other up into the air against his chest so he can move them much faster to the bedroom. that, and the beginnings of his erecting can press nicely to kaveh’s thigh, the friction alone enough to make him gasp. )
[ "Good boy," Alhaitham says, and oh, apparently that's something he likes; his hips make a little arch all of their own accord and he mumbles a groan into the scribe's ear; although the sound becomes a yelp in the next moment, something gasped and laughed at the same time as his ass is gripped, lifted and pulled up against the other man's form. ]
Oh—
[ His hand lifts from the other's back to find a solid hold around his shoulders again, securing his position, head turning back so his mouth can catch Alhaitham's once more, tongue skimming and teeth following with nips and bites until the thin line of his mouth looks red and swollen with them. ]
Please, Haitham.
[ It's another mumble, a whisper buried in the corner of his mouth, an arch of his hips against the burgeoning arousal he can feel against his thigh. After all, asking the first few times worked out so nicely for him; why wouldn't he continue to plead? ]
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sempiternals2023-08-05 10:13 am
no subject
(So much for lacking a short fuse—) ]
I'm not trying to replace him. [ His tone is rich and full with the same anger the original would carry, a shake of his head and a scowl the exact same hallmark of frustration. ] That would be foolish of me when we're not the same. Do you honestly think I'm blind to it, Alhaitham? Just because I share his thoughts and feelings doesn't mean—
[ He sighs, closing his eyes and taking a breath. This isn't the way he wanted this to go, damnit... ]
I'm not going to pretend to be him, if that's what you're worrying about. That wouldn't be right, and it's not why I came here.
no subject
alhaitham exhales very, very slowly before he finally regards the eidolon with more than a cursory look. )
Then why did you come here?
( kaveh couldn’t have sent him. kaveh wouldn’t have ever speculated how empty the house would be without him. so… why did the eidolon make this trip just to live a normal life and share a space with someone who made his original a living hell? )
no subject
And perhaps this is where the differences begin between the man who left and the eidolon still here: Kaveh's truth is something unspoken not only because he's terrified of the answer, but also because he worries about the imposition on the recipient of his feelings, left guilty at even the thought of making Alhaitham uncomfortable.
Without the crippling guilt and anxiety of Kaveh's past, the eidolon is confident that he can fix anything he breaks— and as a creature made of wishes, running from what he wants is something unthinkable.
So he smiles, something gentle with understanding and apology, and a hand lifts to his chest, across his heart as if swearing on something unknown. ]
I came for you, Alhaitham. I'm in love with you.
no subject
in a way, the news does not startle nor surprise him; it feels like an immutable fact of the universe. kaveh loves him. even if this is a manifestion of kaveh’s - built on wishes and hopes, was it? - he loves him.
alhaitham would not claim to be a romantic man. not in the way most people would describe romance to be. yet, there is the sudden urge to expend all his mora on tracking down the stubborn blonde and pushing him to a wall and making him understand.
but kaveh ran. kaveh left. love was not enough to keep him here and kaveh’s decision was not to love but to move on.
alhaitham exhales slowly, the ache deepening in his bones. he stares at the eidolon, expression unchanged, for perhaps an eerie amount of time.
this kaveh ran to him, out of love. what a predicament to be in. )
Then you have some idea how I already feel. The both of you.
( that his love burns so brightly for kaveh that it overshadows most other things in his life.
… did kaveh know that? had he not caught on? )
no subject
His smile, soft with gentle tenderness, softens yet more into something sad. ]
I do. He does too, but...
[ He shakes his head. Perhaps there's no need to explain: after all, the only person who perhaps knows Kaveh as well as he does is the man in front of him right now. They both know why the architect chose not to say anything, why he left instead of take the chance. Kaveh believed he didn't deserve happiness. Kaveh was scared of the slim possibility that he was wrong. Kaveh was afraid, deeply afraid, of being right and somehow ruining things again, digging a crevasse between them impossible to bridge.
The eidolon sighs, and chances a step forward, laying a hand across the other man's forearm. ]
I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, I'll understand. But... [ he shrugs, that soft smile finding his lips once more. ] I had to take a chance.
no subject
… it will be empty, for you.
( a word of caution, of honesty, in the face of confession. )
Those feelings for him will not go away nor are they capable of being reproduced. ( he will only love kaveh, in his flaws and his weaknesses.
… ) But if that is enough for you, then. ( he does not flinch from the other’s touch. ) Then it will be enough for me.
( he is willing to fall into this selfishness and hole kaveh has left in shape of the two of them. )
no subject
I wouldn't expect anything else, [ is what he says, honest even as he tries to keep the sadness he feels hidden under the surface. He knew this, he expected this, and yet he came anyway, shining with hope—
And the truth is that he'll accept anything from Alhaitham, even if it leaves him feeling empty on the inside. At the core of him, after all, he is Kaveh— someone who would give his whole heart to Alhaitham, even if it meant it was handed back to him in shattered pieces. ]
It's enough for me, as long as you understand I'll never stop hoping that you'll find room in your heart for someone else too.
no subject
a sigh of relief. small, but there. this isn’t kaveh, but the ache is less. what’s perhaps the most selish, however, is what he does next.
without preamble, alhaitham extends his hand and cups kaveh’s cheek. he thumbs at his chin to lift it up and then tilts his head down and claims a very slow kiss to eidolon’s mouth. )
no subject
And oh, what a strange sensation it is, to be kissed for the first time with only the memory of a feeling in his mind, to answer from instinct and memory despite a lack of experience.
Does he have a heart of his own? The eidolon doesn't know, but right now it feels like it's going to burst out of his chest regardless. ]
no subject
so, he’ll focus on as quickly as he can plunging his tongue into the eidolon’s mouth to chase this feeling. this isn’t his first kiss, but it’s one of few. and it’s the first one he hasn’t felt objectively guilty about because he’s been pining over someone else.
his fingers tangle in kaveh’s hair and he tugs him closer with his free hand at his waist. )
no subject
If this is self-sabotage, it's self-sabotage of the best kind. ]
Take me to bed, [ he murmurs around Alhaitham's mouth, paying no heed to how he makes the offer far too quickly, thinking only of that for which he knows he's been waiting, for what he knows the other has been waiting, too—
Even if not with him. ]
no subject
So demanding. Not even a please?
( whether or not he plans to sink fully into temptation so soon is debatable, but what’s the harm of indulging in something? would it be so bad to share some skinship and exploration?
alhaitham will not pick him up as he would have done in other situations, but he does secure both hands on kaveh’s hips and takes a deliberate step forward toward the hallway to his bedroom. )
no subject
Mm, you're right. How rude of me, [ he responds with a laugh of his own, falling back a step in synchronicity with the other's movement toward the bedroom. He breaks the kiss to press his lips to Alhaitham's jaw, punctuating the movement with a playful bite. ]
Please.
[ One hand drops from the other's shoulders, skimming down over his back and anchoring against the curve of his ass. ]
Please.
[ And he moves his head once more, tongue finding the shell of Alhaitham's ear, a ghost of breath over the skin. ]
Please.
no subject
Good boy.
( he murmurs it lowly before he caves to temptation and drops both hands to kaveh’s ass. the squeeze is brief before he forcefully yanks the other up into the air against his chest so he can move them much faster to the bedroom. that, and the beginnings of his erecting can press nicely to kaveh’s thigh, the friction alone enough to make him gasp. )
no subject
Oh—
[ His hand lifts from the other's back to find a solid hold around his shoulders again, securing his position, head turning back so his mouth can catch Alhaitham's once more, tongue skimming and teeth following with nips and bites until the thin line of his mouth looks red and swollen with them. ]
Please, Haitham.
[ It's another mumble, a whisper buried in the corner of his mouth, an arch of his hips against the burgeoning arousal he can feel against his thigh. After all, asking the first few times worked out so nicely for him; why wouldn't he continue to plead? ]