[ It may not be the way that Kaveh wants, but the truth is that Kaveh doesn't know what Kaveh wants, when it comes to how he wants to be loved. Kaveh knows what he thinks he wants, and even that is a jumble of confused thoughts and half-truths. Wants don't answer the ache in his chest and the hurt in his head.
Needs do.
It's easy, then, natural, for Kaveh to fold into Alhaitham's arms, to sigh against the tenderness of those kisses even as he relaxes into the strength of his hold. Whatever thoughts and questions might be on his mind are gone. Like this, he—he doesn't have to answer to anyone, not even to himself. He's warmed, protected, loved, safe.
Saved.
There's a soft sound on his lips, unbidden and unknown, a sigh, a sob; fingers reaching up to cup Alhaitham's cheeks, to coil into his hair as breath whispers across the other man's lips, locked together deep as they are. And he thinks, not for the first time, that he would give himself to him now if Alhaitham wanted it, regardless of his promises, of his still-wandering feelings, of everything still wrapped around them and between them, holding them apart.
[Alhaitham can relate to the candlelight flame, its edges flickering, when Kaveh sobs into his mouth, like a soft cry—fear, sadness, need and happiness all wrapped into the taste of him, making him simmer. Kaveh's fingers splay across his face, into his hair, and he breathes him in deep, like he could feed and live from the trash of his lungs, for its a treasure to him.
He draws them apart only when they need true air to breathe, and it instantly feels cold. His form flickers into his own feelings, unsure and inexperienced about all of this, and so do Kaveh's candlelit carmine jewels, tear-stained and peering at him like a storm beyond colored glass of cathedrals, painting everything beautiful in spite of the torment on the other side.
And so, Alhaitham worships, brushing his wet fingers over his cheek again, his eyes laced with tenderness.
[ Air. Air is important, more than anything, and yet Kaveh still finds a whimper on his lips when Alhaitham breaks their kiss to welcome it. It's untrue, but he feels as if he could get everything he needs from the mouth of the other man alone, wrapped up tight in him, kissing and breathing and wanting and needing. So there's a pout, something almost reproachful in his eyes when Alhaitham pulls away, even as the other man reaches to brush his fingers over his cheek.
(And the look in his eyes is so tender, so soft, so sweet, Kaveh could melt with it, cave to it, drown in it—)
And then Alhaitham tells him that he's all sparkly, and Kaveh laughs, his own hands lifting to smooth through the younger's hair, down his neck, over his shoulders. ]
You too. The candlelight only makes it more obvious. It's kinda like how the wet sand looks in the sunset...
I've never been called a bank of sand before. [A tease, even as he pulls Kaveh closer again to brush their noses together, sighing at the closeness.
He wonders how they're going to wash the glitter off. Are they supposed to wash it off? Would it dissolve or fall off as they get dry? Instead of all of those logistical issues, however, he leans in and gives Kaveh another bit of cheese.] You look very pretty.
[ But it's fond, a smile on his face as he cups Alhaitham's cheeks in both hands and leans in to kiss him slow and sweet. He's used things like this before, so he doesn't have the same logistic concerns the other man has, nor does he sense that the other is wondering about it. Instead, he's focused entirely on the way the other offers him some cheese, leaning in to snag it in his teeth with a soft hum of pleasure. ]
Don't you want some too, Haitham?
[ And then, after a moment, thoughtfully: ]
But you are, you know. Sand banks are strong. And they're often hidden under the waves, only appearing at low tide... kinda like how you don't always reveal the whole of yourself to everyone. Right?
[Alhaitham almost drops the cheese that he was getting for himself.
He holds it, pretends that he needs the time to chew on it and assess the flavors, though his ears are flushed at the tips and he's looking at Kaveh through a narrowed gaze, like he can't really understand what to do with that information.] Sounds like you really thought about it.
[ Kaveh flushes again as he's looked at so intently—though he can spy it, the heated pink at the tips of Alhaitham's ears, and it's all he can do not to reach out and tug playfully at them. ]
Mm... it's not so much that I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I just... I kind of realized. Those are all things I've thought before, about... you know, about you being strong, or private. But when you said I was comparing you to a sand bank...
[ He shrugs. ]
I guess it was more apt than I realized.
[ He picks up another piece of cheese for the younger man, and then grabs for his own wine glass, taking a small sip as he hums. ]
Should I go on telling you positive things about yourself, Alhaitham?
I can agree with private. [He mulls as he chews on the cheese, then reaches to drink some of the wine itself.
Kaveh splayed on top of him, glittering, dazzling, saying he's strong, admitting he's thought about it. Surely this man has an idea of the effect he has on him.
He clears his throat, takes a deep breath. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, Alhaitham thinks Kaveh may as well be his peace but also his death.] No. You shouldn't.
You don't think you're strong? [ He'll follow the request, but at the same time he doesn't want Alhaitham to think he's anything less than he is. So he runs his fingers down over the other's arms, his biceps, lightly squeezing the muscles there—and he leans close, mouth brushing the younger's ear. ]
You could hold me up against a wall the whole time, Haitham. Don't deny it.
[ It's not that he's trying to make things sexy, he just... it was the first thing he could think of. Whoops. ]
He's not trying, and so admittedly he hasn't even thought twice about it, doesn't entirely know for a moment what he might have done to make Alhaitham tell him to not. So he stills, entirely, the only movement allowed a tentative raise of his hand, a soft pat through silver strands.
And even that is cautious, like he's afraid of scaring the other off all over again. ]
[Even if that's cautious, Alhaitham leans his head against the touch, tilts it so he can kiss his wrist, his palm, his fingers. He guides Kaveh's other hand to set the glass of wine after setting his own, and then weaves their fingers together as he shakes his head.] Don't apologize.
You're wrong though. [He presses his mouth to under his jaw. It's chaste, the kiss he leaves there.] I wouldn't need a wall to hold you up.
[ He sighs, all over relief when Alhaitham responds to his slight touches, sets his glass down and tells him not to apologize. Clearly the foot he's set wrong isn't as drastic as he let himself believe it was after all. His fingers link a little tighter with the other man's, and he smiles, tilting his head curiously at the statement that he's wrong.
And then: a chaste kiss, and a statement far from chaste. Kaveh's ears burn, and he draws back like he's been scalded. ]
[Alhaitham merely looks at Kaveh in silence. His expression is soft, though he's still flushed, fond, and he reaches tuck one of Kaveh's locks behind his ear, somewhat relieved he's not the only one this affected.
'See?'] Are we not discussing how strong you find me?
[Bringing Kaveh's head down to kiss him on the forehead, Alhaitham cradles him close.] I'm sorry.
[He nuzzles him gently, taking deep breaths, easing his own heat back into a simmering warmth, and he strokes Kaveh's arms like it'd help him do the same.] I just didn't want to be the only one flustered.
[He softly pecks at that pout, finding it adorable and absolutely endearing. How is he supposed to not rile Kaveh up, when he finds himself so free to make these unsexy (and yet utterly enchanting) reactions at him?] Did you think you upset me? I was holding myself back, that's all.
[ For a moment, his head tilts, a slow process of what Alhaitham is saying—and then he laughs softly, his cheeks still pink, but the offended expression giving way to something pleased, if not shy. ]
Mm, because you're exhausted, right? And me too. It's been a long day.
[ Still, he's nothing if not honest, and so he reaches up again, fingers skating in a light pattern over Alhaitham's lips, pinching and tugging at the lower of the two in a brief, teasing touch. ]
For what it's worth... I have to hold myself back too, with you.
[He kisses, he nips at those fingers, lightly, playfully, allowing his mouth to be played with as he stares into the shyness of Kaveh's face.
Granted, his own arousal hasn't really surged into flame, merely simmered to something constant, warm and thrumming within Alhaitham's core. It's been a constant whenever Kaveh has been around and they're allowed to touch each other, to savour each other's embrace.
He sighs, his eyes amused.] For two geniuses I think we both feel a little silly right now.
[ He sighs, chuckles, enjoying the sensation of the other's mouth nipping playfully at his fingers, tugging and playing with his lips a little more before he lowers his hand, winds it around Alhaitham's shoulder instead.
Truthfully, the same is true of his own arousal—cached right now mostly in thought rather than physicality. That same constant of warmth and pleasure, waiting, waiting for a hint of more, ready to wake wholehearted and wanting.
And, to Alhaitham's comment, he tilts his head. ]
Mm. But the truth is, I always feel a little silly when I'm with you.
[ An honest, simple statement, spoke without care or consideration for the depths of its meaning. But it's more than just this. It's how Alhaitham makes him question everything. How he feels silly for being so blind for so long, not yet realizing that he's still in part blinded. How something as simple as the other's smile is enough to undo him, make him question everything he thought he already knew.
[Having no more fingers to play with, Alhaitham leans to leave small kisses wherever he can reach. On Kaveh's temple, on his cheek, on his naked shoulder. While he's too rational to think he would do it forever, he realises that he would spend quite a lot of time just doting on Kaveh and giving him all the affection he needs.]
Same as me, then. [An admission of his own, a rational man, admitting to be irrational when it comes to Kaveh. He's finding himself softened and taken by all of these moments, together and separate.
He brings Kaveh's hand back to his lips, but this time, he kisses the back of his fingers as though pledging allegiance.] Thank you for bringing me here. For sharing this with me.
[ Oh, Kaveh thinks, though he doesn't say anything. Oh, because he wasn't expecting Alhaitham to admit to "always" feeling a little silly. Oh, because it warms him that he has. Oh, because—
He sighs, and his cheeks warm when the other's lips touch the back of his hand, an action so tender that he feels as if he could combust with it. ]
I... of course. Although really, I should be the one thanking you. I asked you because... because this whole situation makes me feel unsafe. You make that feeling go away. So it was... it was the right thing for me to do.
[Unfurling those fingers with his nose, he guides Kaveh's hand to rest his cheek on the palm, sighing softly as he rests and rubs slightly on the skin. He feels warm, and Kaveh's hand slightly less so. It feels nice to the touch, and he closes his eyes.]
I'm glad I can help. [A drop of a kiss on a wrist, blissful.] I'm glad you're not facing this alone.
[He only opens his eyes to get the last bit of cheese, and places it between his teeth, offering it to Kaveh like this. Perhaps he wants another smooch. Just maybe.]
[ And he trails off, because he sees what Alhaitham is doing with the last bit of cheese, and he can't help but roll his eyes, mutter something—fondly—about how incorrigible he is. He leans, snagging the cheese with his own teeth, but not before pressing a sound kiss against the other's mouth, quick and playful. ]
As I was saying, [ he says, once he's chewed and swallowed, ] I'm glad you're here too. Not just because you help, though. For the record.
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sempiternals2023-10-04 01:27 am
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Needs do.
It's easy, then, natural, for Kaveh to fold into Alhaitham's arms, to sigh against the tenderness of those kisses even as he relaxes into the strength of his hold. Whatever thoughts and questions might be on his mind are gone. Like this, he—he doesn't have to answer to anyone, not even to himself. He's warmed, protected, loved, safe.
Saved.
There's a soft sound on his lips, unbidden and unknown, a sigh, a sob; fingers reaching up to cup Alhaitham's cheeks, to coil into his hair as breath whispers across the other man's lips, locked together deep as they are. And he thinks, not for the first time, that he would give himself to him now if Alhaitham wanted it, regardless of his promises, of his still-wandering feelings, of everything still wrapped around them and between them, holding them apart.
After all, can't it only get better from here? ]
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He draws them apart only when they need true air to breathe, and it instantly feels cold. His form flickers into his own feelings, unsure and inexperienced about all of this, and so do Kaveh's candlelit carmine jewels, tear-stained and peering at him like a storm beyond colored glass of cathedrals, painting everything beautiful in spite of the torment on the other side.
And so, Alhaitham worships, brushing his wet fingers over his cheek again, his eyes laced with tenderness.
And his lip twitches.] You're all sparkly now.
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(And the look in his eyes is so tender, so soft, so sweet, Kaveh could melt with it, cave to it, drown in it—)
And then Alhaitham tells him that he's all sparkly, and Kaveh laughs, his own hands lifting to smooth through the younger's hair, down his neck, over his shoulders. ]
You too. The candlelight only makes it more obvious. It's kinda like how the wet sand looks in the sunset...
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He wonders how they're going to wash the glitter off. Are they supposed to wash it off? Would it dissolve or fall off as they get dry? Instead of all of those logistical issues, however, he leans in and gives Kaveh another bit of cheese.] You look very pretty.
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[ But it's fond, a smile on his face as he cups Alhaitham's cheeks in both hands and leans in to kiss him slow and sweet. He's used things like this before, so he doesn't have the same logistic concerns the other man has, nor does he sense that the other is wondering about it. Instead, he's focused entirely on the way the other offers him some cheese, leaning in to snag it in his teeth with a soft hum of pleasure. ]
Don't you want some too, Haitham?
[ And then, after a moment, thoughtfully: ]
But you are, you know. Sand banks are strong. And they're often hidden under the waves, only appearing at low tide... kinda like how you don't always reveal the whole of yourself to everyone. Right?
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He holds it, pretends that he needs the time to chew on it and assess the flavors, though his ears are flushed at the tips and he's looking at Kaveh through a narrowed gaze, like he can't really understand what to do with that information.] Sounds like you really thought about it.
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Mm... it's not so much that I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I just... I kind of realized. Those are all things I've thought before, about... you know, about you being strong, or private. But when you said I was comparing you to a sand bank...
[ He shrugs. ]
I guess it was more apt than I realized.
[ He picks up another piece of cheese for the younger man, and then grabs for his own wine glass, taking a small sip as he hums. ]
Should I go on telling you positive things about yourself, Alhaitham?
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Kaveh splayed on top of him, glittering, dazzling, saying he's strong, admitting he's thought about it. Surely this man has an idea of the effect he has on him.
He clears his throat, takes a deep breath. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, Alhaitham thinks Kaveh may as well be his peace but also his death.] No. You shouldn't.
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You don't think you're strong? [ He'll follow the request, but at the same time he doesn't want Alhaitham to think he's anything less than he is. So he runs his fingers down over the other's arms, his biceps, lightly squeezing the muscles there—and he leans close, mouth brushing the younger's ear. ]
You could hold me up against a wall the whole time, Haitham. Don't deny it.
[ It's not that he's trying to make things sexy, he just... it was the first thing he could think of. Whoops. ]
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—He's not trying, but Alhaitham's mouth, even right after swallowing a bit of wine, goes completely dry.
The hand still wrapped around Kaveh tightens, and he buries his face against his neck, breathing in deep.] Kaveh… Don't do this to me.
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He's not trying, and so admittedly he hasn't even thought twice about it, doesn't entirely know for a moment what he might have done to make Alhaitham tell him to not. So he stills, entirely, the only movement allowed a tentative raise of his hand, a soft pat through silver strands.
And even that is cautious, like he's afraid of scaring the other off all over again. ]
S-sorry. I didn't mean to. I won't.
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You're wrong though. [He presses his mouth to under his jaw. It's chaste, the kiss he leaves there.] I wouldn't need a wall to hold you up.
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And then: a chaste kiss, and a statement far from chaste. Kaveh's ears burn, and he draws back like he's been scalded. ]
H-hey, I thought you said—
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'See?'] Are we not discussing how strong you find me?
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We were, but you said— [ A deep breath. ] You said not to do it, so I was stopping—
[ Only for Alhaitham to pick it up and turn it around on him, leaving him fumbling and shy. ]
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[He nuzzles him gently, taking deep breaths, easing his own heat back into a simmering warmth, and he strokes Kaveh's arms like it'd help him do the same.] I just didn't want to be the only one flustered.
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[ Kaveh shoves at Alhaitham's chest without any real strength, a pout forming on his lips. ]
Oh my god, you're such a jerk...
[ And just like the lacking strength in the shove, the words are lacking any real fire, even as he pouts at the younger. ]
You made me worried...
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Mm, because you're exhausted, right? And me too. It's been a long day.
[ Still, he's nothing if not honest, and so he reaches up again, fingers skating in a light pattern over Alhaitham's lips, pinching and tugging at the lower of the two in a brief, teasing touch. ]
For what it's worth... I have to hold myself back too, with you.
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[He kisses, he nips at those fingers, lightly, playfully, allowing his mouth to be played with as he stares into the shyness of Kaveh's face.
Granted, his own arousal hasn't really surged into flame, merely simmered to something constant, warm and thrumming within Alhaitham's core. It's been a constant whenever Kaveh has been around and they're allowed to touch each other, to savour each other's embrace.
He sighs, his eyes amused.] For two geniuses I think we both feel a little silly right now.
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Truthfully, the same is true of his own arousal—cached right now mostly in thought rather than physicality. That same constant of warmth and pleasure, waiting, waiting for a hint of more, ready to wake wholehearted and wanting.
And, to Alhaitham's comment, he tilts his head. ]
Mm. But the truth is, I always feel a little silly when I'm with you.
[ An honest, simple statement, spoke without care or consideration for the depths of its meaning. But it's more than just this. It's how Alhaitham makes him question everything. How he feels silly for being so blind for so long, not yet realizing that he's still in part blinded. How something as simple as the other's smile is enough to undo him, make him question everything he thought he already knew.
Mm. Silly is perhaps an understatement, really. ]
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Same as me, then. [An admission of his own, a rational man, admitting to be irrational when it comes to Kaveh. He's finding himself softened and taken by all of these moments, together and separate.
He brings Kaveh's hand back to his lips, but this time, he kisses the back of his fingers as though pledging allegiance.] Thank you for bringing me here. For sharing this with me.
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He sighs, and his cheeks warm when the other's lips touch the back of his hand, an action so tender that he feels as if he could combust with it. ]
I... of course. Although really, I should be the one thanking you. I asked you because... because this whole situation makes me feel unsafe. You make that feeling go away. So it was... it was the right thing for me to do.
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I'm glad I can help. [A drop of a kiss on a wrist, blissful.] I'm glad you're not facing this alone.
[He only opens his eyes to get the last bit of cheese, and places it between his teeth, offering it to Kaveh like this. Perhaps he wants another smooch. Just maybe.]
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[ And he trails off, because he sees what Alhaitham is doing with the last bit of cheese, and he can't help but roll his eyes, mutter something—fondly—about how incorrigible he is. He leans, snagging the cheese with his own teeth, but not before pressing a sound kiss against the other's mouth, quick and playful. ]
As I was saying, [ he says, once he's chewed and swallowed, ] I'm glad you're here too. Not just because you help, though. For the record.
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