[ mild shock shifts across tighnari's face, followed immediately by hard stubbornness. ]
Kaveh, no.
[ averting his gaze, tighnari's hands curl into fists beside him. ]
You need to rest, Kaveh, and besides, I - after what happened, we - I shouldn't..
[ his heart squeezes in his chest. kaveh is only trying to help, he knows, but it's foolish of him. no, tighnari didn't do it on purpose, but he still hurt kaveh, the damage is still done, and that's what matters. kaveh doesn't need to feel responsible for helping him, especially after.. ]
[ No. Whatever the damage is, it doesn't matter. Kaveh can't bear the thought of what Tighnari will need to go through by himself if he doesn't accept his help. And... he dreads this thought, doesn't want to speak it into existence, but isn't it possible his friend could lose control around someone else, too, if he can't get his mixtures right in time? So many problems could be caused by something Kaveh can fix, and...
His fingers tighten on the other's wrist. ]
I'll rest. I promise. But it will be with you next to me, `nari, because I'm not going back to my quarters without you. I won't— I can't let you go through this on your own.
[ oh, kaveh.. he's so damned kind, it's like a knife right between tighnari's ribs. swallowing thickly, tighnari looks away. ]
So you'll let me hurt you, instead.
[ why can't kaveh understand? this is tighnari's problem, and his problem only, the last thing he wants is to put kaveh through that again. once was enough. once was too much. raising his arms, he hugs them tightly around his body. ]
I can't.. I can't do that again, Kaveh, I can't hurt you like that again..
[ Kaveh sighs. Tighnari isn't listening to him, and he gets it, his friend is scared of what happened, of how he lost control, but it's something that only happened because he was trying to deny himself, rather than give himself over to what he needs...
Kaveh moves closer, reaches to cup his friend's smaller face in his hand, looks down at him with dead seriousness in his crimson eyes. ]
You hurt me because you were too busy trying to not hurt anyone. Aren't you at more risk of losing yourself again without a proper outlet? [ He leans down, presses a soft kiss at the corner of Tighnari's lips. ] I trust you, `nari.
[ kaveh takes his face in soft hands, looks him in the eye, and tighnari feels his strength beginning to crumble. fresh tears fill his eyes, hot and shining, and tighnari breathes in sharply. he doesn't know where to begin, how to even internalize what's happened.. but kaveh is relentless, and tighnari is too tired and aching to fight it any longer.
his gaze drops, and he swallows thickly, then nods. ]
.. all right.
[ kaveh trusts him.. he shouldn't, but he does. tighnari doesn't know why, or how, he would possibly still trust him after all of this, but he does, and that's that. ]
[ Kaveh nods, and steps back. On some level, he feels awful, as if he is now the one forcing this, making Tighnari do something he doesn't want to do.
They'll talk about it. They'll talk about that, and what happened before, and Kaveh will help his friend see that he's not some monster because of it, and they'll be okay. Emotionally and physically too. It's a much better scenario than leaving Tighnari here all by himself, where he'll suffer with both, and where someone else could end up hurt too. ]
[ to be fair, tighnari had planned to lock himself away with sedatives while kaveh left - he'd never leave himself in the position to hurt someone else, not after this - but kaveh gets his request nonetheless, so tighnari nods and turns away to slip back into his rooms.
he goes through the motions quietly and hollowly, carefully preparing a bag full of clothing, medicines, and the necessary toiletries, before he's returning to the door again. already he's beginning to feel his skin flush with heat. it'll be another few hours before it's unbearable again, but the itch is certainly there. he looks distracted. fidgety. ]
[ While Tighnari's gone, Kaveh uses the medical office's phone to call the madam and explain the situation as well as he can without revealing the other's private information; by the time his friend emerges again, Kaveh's appointments are canceled for the week, and the other medics are rostered to fill the fox's absence.
He reaches out, snagging the other's hand gently in his, comforting fingers running over skin and pads and wrist. ]
Everything's canceled. If you want, we can talk about it all when we get to my quarters, okay?
[ And with that said, he leads the way, holding Tighnari's hand in his the entire time, not stopping to let go even once they're safely ensconced inside. ]
[ that guilt rears again, a knife sliding between his ribs, but tighnari shakes it off. kaveh is a successful enough courtesan, surely a week's time won't make too much of a difference, but still.. he hates that it has come to this at all.
their fingers weave together as they walk, and tighnari knows the way to kaveh's rooms, but he allows himself to be led nonetheless, the edges of his mind too numbed to pay proper attention to where they're going. once they arrive, he sets down his bag by the door, still quiet, still silent.
he shifts his weight from foot to foot, his tail flicking restlessly from side to side. ]
[ With the door closed safely behind them, Tighnari seems like he'll stand in place and shuffle back and forth forever if Kaveh doesn't do something. The blonde steps close, arms winding around his friend's waist and face pressing into his hair, dropping kisses against the scalp. ]
I know you scared yourself.
[ He breathes out soft words between kisses, holding Tighnari tight against him. ]
But I'm not going to let you blame yourself for a biological impulse. You tried to send me away and I didn't listen. [ There was that strange feeling, he remembers vaguely, but that's not something he needs to talk about right now. Right now he wants to focus on what Tighnari needs, what will help Tighnari feel better. ]
Please, please don't beat yourself up for what happened. I want to help you get through this, `nari.
[ kaveh isn't wrong - tighnari, without guidance, does not know what to do with himself, an odd feeling that would be novel if things weren't so grim. so when kaveh approaches, pulling him in close, tighnari's eyes lift to his face, large and vulnerable and desperately, achingly sorry.
his arms are so warm, his scent so sweet and familiar..
tighnari can no longer hold it back. his breath catches, his eyes flood with tears, and he presses both hands against kaveh's chest, intending to push him back and away, because he does not deserve this comfort, but instead he's leaning in, pushing in close to kaveh with a sob in his throat, fingers squeezing tightly in his shirt as the years begin to spill free. ]
[ Kaveh's heart breaks. The hurt in his chest is worse than any he's felt tonight so far, so much worse than anything Tighnari could have inflicted on him physically. His own eyes well up with tears, and he holds the other man close, burying his face in his hair, his own fingers curling into the back of his shirt as he breathes, tries to keep himself steady enough that he can aid the other in turn. ]
It's okay... Tighnari, it's okay, I...
[ He doesn't know what to say. All he can do is hold him, try to reassure him when Tighnari's heart doesn't want to allow himself to be reassured. ]
[ it isn't okay, it isn't okay at all, and these wounds.. they will last, surely. he may not have been in control of himself, but he hurt kaveh in ways he never would have wanted to hurt anyone; he has no idea how he will face himself in the mirror without wanting to shatter the glass. the disgust he feels for himself is overwhelming.
but kaveh is desperate to console him, so tighnari must allow him to. it's what kaveh wants, and tighnari should give it to him, so he will. he leans his weight into kaveh's arms, allowing the tears to fall freely, allowing his heart to ache and break, all the while feeling guilty for it, for daring to need comfort when he should be the one comforting kaveh. everything is all wrong.
soon enough he begins to quiet. the itch is ramping up again, but he's trying to suppress it, trying to control his breathing. ]
[ Kaveh can't understand exactly what Tighnari is going through right now. His biology is completely different, and so his urges have never been entirely out of his control. The only thing to which he can continue to liken it is his sex and his gender, incongruous as they always were until he met someone willing to help him bring them somewhat more in alignment, out of his control in a different way.
All he can do is try to show the other man that he understands, that he doesn't blame him, that they're going to be alright—
As the time passes, he feels Tighnari start to relax against him— but he can also hear and feel the change in the other's breathing, a forced steadiness in each inhale and exhale. Kaveh bites his lip, runs his fingers through his friend's hair. ]
[ gods, how he hates that kaveh needs to comfort him at all - he shouldn't be, it's wrong, it's backward, but tighnari isn't strong enough to pull away from it, either. the fingers through his hair feel lovely, and tighnari's trembling ears fold back as he slowly pulls away, scrubbing at his face with both hands. things will never be the same, after this. he cannot undo what has been done. but he can still try to take care of kaveh. ]
I'm all right.
[ he says hollowly, his voice rough from weeping, and for the first time he can remember, he is unable to look kaveh in the eye. he busies himself with his things instead, carrying his packed bag aside to set it down at the end of kaveh's bed. he can feel his rut riding at his back, biting into his flesh. ]
[ For all that Tighnari tells him that he's all right, he doesn't sound it, doesn't feel it. Kaveh doesn't know how he can possibly express it, prove it to him that he's not as bad as his friend seems to think, that he knows already that the pain between them will pass, that he blames the fennec for nothing, knowing in his heart of hearts that anything that happened was out of Tighnari's control.
For now, at least, he follows the other over to his bed, reaching out to gently snag his slim wrist in long fingers. ]
`Nari.
[ His voice is soft, pleading. ]
Please don't shut me out. I promise you that I'm okay, you don't need... please don't beat yourself up over this. I'm okay. I don't blame you for anything, I know that... I know how hard you work to control this part of you, and...
[ Kaveh takes a moment, closes his eyes, lets out a low, slow breath. ]
You don't have to control it with me. Okay? I mean that. Let me help you. Not just to feel guilty. To really help.
those words threaten to bring tears to his eyes again, and tighnari tenses when those fingers wrap his wrist - but then.. he slowly relaxes, closing his aching eyes. ]
I'm sorry. I don't want to shut you out. You shouldn't - you shouldn't be the one comforting me, after -
[ he bites off the rest. tighnari doesn't want to argue anymore, not with kaveh, his sweet kaveh, who deserves all the warmth in the world. after a long moment of hesitation, tighnari turns his wrist to take kaveh's hand in his own, weaving their fingers together and squeezing gently. ]
[ The relief when Tighnari's wrist turns, taking Kaveh's hand in his... it's palpable, and there's a few seconds only that pass before he bursts into tears, wrapping his arms tightly around the other and pressing into him. ]
Thank the Archons. I thought you weren't going to come back to me.
[ It's probably not what Tighnari expects to hear, but it's the truth. Just moments ago, he was so scared that things were fucked up for good, and he—
He pulls back to look at the other, a small, quavering smile on his lips. ]
I meant everything I said. Let go of it and let me help you. We can... we can worry about the rest of it later. Okay?
[ Does he know exactly what he's asking for? No, and perhaps that's dangerous. But he wants to help, that's all that matters right now. ]
[ kaveh's tears are fierce and sudden, and tighnari's heart drops a little for having given him such a scare. he exhales softly, his arms coming around kaveh again, his stinging eyes closing as he presses his face to his shoulder.
everything isn't perfect again, things will take time to heal, as any wound does, but.. things feel a little bit lighter again, at least. tighnari isn't sure that he will ever truly be able to forgive himself for hurting kaveh in this way, but they can move forward together, at the very least. when kaveh pulls back, tighnari looks exceedingly tired, but he nods nonetheless. ]
All right. If you're still sure.
[ that kaveh can still want to help him despite it all is surely testament to his kindness, but not accepting will surely do more harm than good. ]
[ The words are quiet, hiccuped more than anything as he smiles through red-rimmed eyes down at the shorter man. Then, he sniffs, and shakes his head. ]
Sorry for crying. I just. I was worried, that's all. I thought...
[ Another shake of his head. No, none of that matters right now. What's important is that he can take care of Tighnari, so...
Another sniffle, and then he straightens up to his full height. He can do this. ]
If I wanna take these meds, I probably need to get some food... let me make a call to the kitchen, okay? And then I'll be here for whatever you need while we wait for it and after.
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sempiternals2023-12-14 11:09 am
no subject
Kaveh, no.
[ averting his gaze, tighnari's hands curl into fists beside him. ]
You need to rest, Kaveh, and besides, I - after what happened, we - I shouldn't..
[ his heart squeezes in his chest. kaveh is only trying to help, he knows, but it's foolish of him. no, tighnari didn't do it on purpose, but he still hurt kaveh, the damage is still done, and that's what matters. kaveh doesn't need to feel responsible for helping him, especially after.. ]
no subject
His fingers tighten on the other's wrist. ]
I'll rest. I promise. But it will be with you next to me, `nari, because I'm not going back to my quarters without you. I won't— I can't let you go through this on your own.
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So you'll let me hurt you, instead.
[ why can't kaveh understand? this is tighnari's problem, and his problem only, the last thing he wants is to put kaveh through that again. once was enough. once was too much. raising his arms, he hugs them tightly around his body. ]
I can't.. I can't do that again, Kaveh, I can't hurt you like that again..
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[ Kaveh sighs. Tighnari isn't listening to him, and he gets it, his friend is scared of what happened, of how he lost control, but it's something that only happened because he was trying to deny himself, rather than give himself over to what he needs...
Kaveh moves closer, reaches to cup his friend's smaller face in his hand, looks down at him with dead seriousness in his crimson eyes. ]
You hurt me because you were too busy trying to not hurt anyone. Aren't you at more risk of losing yourself again without a proper outlet? [ He leans down, presses a soft kiss at the corner of Tighnari's lips. ] I trust you, `nari.
no subject
his gaze drops, and he swallows thickly, then nods. ]
.. all right.
[ kaveh trusts him.. he shouldn't, but he does. tighnari doesn't know why, or how, he would possibly still trust him after all of this, but he does, and that's that. ]
I'll.. get some clothes.
no subject
They'll talk about it. They'll talk about that, and what happened before, and Kaveh will help his friend see that he's not some monster because of it, and they'll be okay. Emotionally and physically too. It's a much better scenario than leaving Tighnari here all by himself, where he'll suffer with both, and where someone else could end up hurt too. ]
Okay. I'm here when you're ready to go.
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he goes through the motions quietly and hollowly, carefully preparing a bag full of clothing, medicines, and the necessary toiletries, before he's returning to the door again. already he's beginning to feel his skin flush with heat. it'll be another few hours before it's unbearable again, but the itch is certainly there. he looks distracted. fidgety. ]
All right.. let's go.
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He reaches out, snagging the other's hand gently in his, comforting fingers running over skin and pads and wrist. ]
Everything's canceled. If you want, we can talk about it all when we get to my quarters, okay?
[ And with that said, he leads the way, holding Tighnari's hand in his the entire time, not stopping to let go even once they're safely ensconced inside. ]
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their fingers weave together as they walk, and tighnari knows the way to kaveh's rooms, but he allows himself to be led nonetheless, the edges of his mind too numbed to pay proper attention to where they're going. once they arrive, he sets down his bag by the door, still quiet, still silent.
he shifts his weight from foot to foot, his tail flicking restlessly from side to side. ]
no subject
I know you scared yourself.
[ He breathes out soft words between kisses, holding Tighnari tight against him. ]
But I'm not going to let you blame yourself for a biological impulse. You tried to send me away and I didn't listen. [ There was that strange feeling, he remembers vaguely, but that's not something he needs to talk about right now. Right now he wants to focus on what Tighnari needs, what will help Tighnari feel better. ]
Please, please don't beat yourself up for what happened. I want to help you get through this, `nari.
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his arms are so warm, his scent so sweet and familiar..
tighnari can no longer hold it back. his breath catches, his eyes flood with tears, and he presses both hands against kaveh's chest, intending to push him back and away, because he does not deserve this comfort, but instead he's leaning in, pushing in close to kaveh with a sob in his throat, fingers squeezing tightly in his shirt as the years begin to spill free. ]
no subject
It's okay... Tighnari, it's okay, I...
[ He doesn't know what to say. All he can do is hold him, try to reassure him when Tighnari's heart doesn't want to allow himself to be reassured. ]
I'm here, [ he whispers. ]
no subject
but kaveh is desperate to console him, so tighnari must allow him to. it's what kaveh wants, and tighnari should give it to him, so he will. he leans his weight into kaveh's arms, allowing the tears to fall freely, allowing his heart to ache and break, all the while feeling guilty for it, for daring to need comfort when he should be the one comforting kaveh. everything is all wrong.
soon enough he begins to quiet. the itch is ramping up again, but he's trying to suppress it, trying to control his breathing. ]
no subject
All he can do is try to show the other man that he understands, that he doesn't blame him, that they're going to be alright—
As the time passes, he feels Tighnari start to relax against him— but he can also hear and feel the change in the other's breathing, a forced steadiness in each inhale and exhale. Kaveh bites his lip, runs his fingers through his friend's hair. ]
How are you feeling?
no subject
I'm all right.
[ he says hollowly, his voice rough from weeping, and for the first time he can remember, he is unable to look kaveh in the eye. he busies himself with his things instead, carrying his packed bag aside to set it down at the end of kaveh's bed. he can feel his rut riding at his back, biting into his flesh. ]
I can hold it off for a little while longer.
no subject
For now, at least, he follows the other over to his bed, reaching out to gently snag his slim wrist in long fingers. ]
`Nari.
[ His voice is soft, pleading. ]
Please don't shut me out. I promise you that I'm okay, you don't need... please don't beat yourself up over this. I'm okay. I don't blame you for anything, I know that... I know how hard you work to control this part of you, and...
[ Kaveh takes a moment, closes his eyes, lets out a low, slow breath. ]
You don't have to control it with me. Okay? I mean that. Let me help you. Not just to feel guilty. To really help.
no subject
those words threaten to bring tears to his eyes again, and tighnari tenses when those fingers wrap his wrist - but then.. he slowly relaxes, closing his aching eyes. ]
I'm sorry. I don't want to shut you out. You shouldn't - you shouldn't be the one comforting me, after -
[ he bites off the rest. tighnari doesn't want to argue anymore, not with kaveh, his sweet kaveh, who deserves all the warmth in the world. after a long moment of hesitation, tighnari turns his wrist to take kaveh's hand in his own, weaving their fingers together and squeezing gently. ]
You're right. We.. we'll be all right.
[ they'll always be all right. ]
no subject
Thank the Archons. I thought you weren't going to come back to me.
[ It's probably not what Tighnari expects to hear, but it's the truth. Just moments ago, he was so scared that things were fucked up for good, and he—
He pulls back to look at the other, a small, quavering smile on his lips. ]
I meant everything I said. Let go of it and let me help you. We can... we can worry about the rest of it later. Okay?
[ Does he know exactly what he's asking for? No, and perhaps that's dangerous. But he wants to help, that's all that matters right now. ]
no subject
everything isn't perfect again, things will take time to heal, as any wound does, but.. things feel a little bit lighter again, at least. tighnari isn't sure that he will ever truly be able to forgive himself for hurting kaveh in this way, but they can move forward together, at the very least. when kaveh pulls back, tighnari looks exceedingly tired, but he nods nonetheless. ]
All right. If you're still sure.
[ that kaveh can still want to help him despite it all is surely testament to his kindness, but not accepting will surely do more harm than good. ]
no subject
[ The words are quiet, hiccuped more than anything as he smiles through red-rimmed eyes down at the shorter man. Then, he sniffs, and shakes his head. ]
Sorry for crying. I just. I was worried, that's all. I thought...
[ Another shake of his head. No, none of that matters right now. What's important is that he can take care of Tighnari, so...
Another sniffle, and then he straightens up to his full height. He can do this. ]
If I wanna take these meds, I probably need to get some food... let me make a call to the kitchen, okay? And then I'll be here for whatever you need while we wait for it and after.