[ Kaveh's quiet for a moment. On one hand, he is already mentally scolding himself for bringing Alhaitham into the conversation, for admitting that he was on his mind in some way during what should have been a moment for just the two of them.
On the other, what Euler says makes a lot of sense— not just for this topic, but for others too.
Like their first meeting.
...Ugh, no. Kaveh shakes the thought off and curls in a little closer, humming at the gentle way Euler plays with his necklace, with his hair. He doesn't want to think about Alhaitham right now at all— he's with the man he wants to be with, and it's evident to him that that man cares about him too, so... there's no need for his brain to focus on anyone else, not even for a second. As if to remind himself, he leans, presses a soft kiss to the corner of Euler's mouth.
Changes the topic. ]
You said you wanna work out what I like. [ A pause, as he smiles, as his cheeks redden slightly. ] I liked it when you slapped my ass. When you edged me, too. I know I whined about it, but I could go for longer..
[Seeing Pharos curl closer, lean into a soft kiss, even if his nose scrunches up adorably as he thinks about the reply Alhaitham gives him, is a definite new thing that Alhaitham is witnessing, one that makes his heart flutter, that gets him to fold his arms around him, cradling the streamer closer.
While he's a bit disappointed that Kaveh is changing the topic, he can understand it's probably for the best. There's only so much he can do when… well, talking about himself, so he allows it. He hums, tilting his head a little.] Does this mean you probably enjoy it if I am a little mean to you?
[ Of course, the reply only makes Kaveh's nose scrunch up more, the blonde coiling comfortably closer, legs tangling lazily with Euler's. There's something nice about this that he never expected, nakedly cuddling in the wake of the act even as his heart still works on finding a steady rhythm in his chest— something hard for it to do with the other man so close. ]
Mm... define "mean".
[ He liked what happened, after all. But with his mind so freshly on Alhaitham, supplying other sources of something Kaveh thinks of as unkind, he's not sure whether he likes the idea as a whole. ]
[It's a straightforward answer. Alhaitham isn't making the connection, and he'd rather never do. However mean or unkind one can be should be left outside of the bedroom, in his opinion.] With due reward and care after, of course. There are ways I can go about it. Denying you a climax, tying you up. Blindfolds… Inflict a little bit of pain without harm.
Or just denying you, period.[He shakes his head.] Though I believe I'd have a hard time with that last one.
[ Kaveh's voice is very quiet, but Alhaitham will see the heat on his cheeks even with the mask concealing part of them. Then, he nods. ]
That all sounds... mm. Except for the last one, they all sound really good. I'd like to try them. But I don't think I'd like it if you denied me as a punishment.
[ His teeth worry at his lower lip. How to go about explaining why without sounding completely pathetic? Without admitting that he's so, so afraid of being left alone that he knows it would paralyze him?
[The laughter is bound to kill him, more than the moans and the whimpers calling out his name. It's the laughter, that lends the garish colors of the room more life, and everything is sharper, more vivid.
Alhaitham knows he's lost.]
I'll be honest, I haven't been able to explore a lot yet. [He admits, stroking Kaveh's cheek, pinching gently on the flesh pulled by his smile. He's beautiful.] Any of what we discussed sounds very good to me. I can take a more dominating role if you'd like, but I am happy to explore other things, too.
[He presses a soft kiss on his temple.] You're sweet. I'm glad, too.
[ Kaveh yelps— a playful, silly sound— when Euler's fingers pull at his cheek, and he reaches up as if to swat him away, but instead his own fingers close around the other's, holding lightly even as a kiss is pressed to his temple in the moment after. ]
Mm, then we can explore together, right? I know it's not easy meeting up like this but.. I'd like to, when we can.
[ Another kiss to his bicep, and that thoughtful look comes to Kaveh's face again. ]
Will you tell me more about yourself, Mister E? I'm not trying to doxx you or anything— [ a weird thing to say when he's literally in the man's arms ] —but.. I feel like I've unloaded a lot of my problems on you in the past, and you haven't had the chance to share much. I mean if you prefer it that way that's okay too, I just.. thought I should give you the chance, or something. I'd like to know more, if you'll share.
[It's not as though he hadn't been expecting this type of question to come forth, after a while. Alhaitham had been feeding Kaveh some vague information—nothing about his work, nothing about his whereabouts. But Kaveh is, of course, a curious person, as all good scholars should be.
He hums a thoughtful sound.] I wasn't expecting my problems could be pillow talk, but I'm okay with sharing them if you want to listen.
[ Kaveh smiles at the other's comment, offering a slight shake of his head. ]
My problems have been pillow talk more than enough times for us, haven't they? Anyway, it doesn't have to be problems if you want.. I just want to get to know you better, so whatever you want to share, I'll listen to you.
[ He means it. Kaveh has always taken a keen interest in the lives of his loved ones, but this is something beyond that, like a craving to get to know the man better even as he tries to respect the distance he knows they have to have. ]
Alright. [That doesn't stop him from stealing a kiss. Or two. Or three. Kaveh is just a riptide of affection that Alhaitham can't help but sink into. It's with very sweet kisses that he interrupts their conversation, but he eventually does pull back to tug the streamer into a closer cuddle.]
I moved here recently because I was considered persona non grata at my old job. [And he shrugs.] Which is to be expected, considering I had our boss arrested. I found some documentation about the misusage of funds, delivered it to the authorities, and a lot of people were affected by the aftermath. I was not expecting people to congratulate me, but right now, you could say that I'm having some trouble adapting.
[ Despite very much wanting to hear about the other, Kaveh admittedly pouts a little when the other stops stealing those kisses in order to pull him closer. Each of them fills him with a giddiness that he can't exactly describe, and he finds himself smiling a little even as Euler starts to talk.
His expression, though, quickly becomes serious. Come to think of it, something similar happened in his own field recently, although he doesn't know what happened to the whistleblower. He has to imagine it's difficult, though, for Euler's old coworkers as well. If his own research were to get affected by something like this— and it very nearly did, given that that university was angling to buy off members of his own design and planning department— he could end up homeless, and yet at the same time he can't deny it was the right thing to do. ]
I think you did a brave thing, Euler. It's not easy to do the right thing when it's going to have a blowback like that, but you did it anyway. Maybe the people there now don't appreciate it, but others will benefit in the future, so.. yeah.
[ As for the trouble adjusting... ]
I think you told me about the rest, though. You said you worried you'd caused too strong an impression with your new coworkers?
[With a sigh, Alhaitham melts to Kaveh's words, to his earnestness and honesty. If Kaveh believes he did the right thing, then he'll believe Kaveh. And while he bears no guilt over what he's done, the fact is that it's unfortunate that so many people were associated with that malpractice.
He nods, the motion nuzzling into Kaveh's hair.]
I perhaps was too blunt with how I presented myself and the way things were done in my previous job. Was too quick to judge. Naturally, people took offense to it. Hopefully, with time things will change a bit.
[ Kaveh chuckles at that— a gentle, affectionate sound as he uncoils himself just a little, stretching so that he can properly press his mouth to Euler's, the kiss soft and sweet and tender, but also more than the brief pecks of the moments before. ]
You? Too blunt? [ he murmurs against the other's mouth, still smiling, before he pulls away, looking down at him with his eyes bright and warm. ] I think giving it some time is the right thing to do. Let them get to know you a little more, and they'll see you like I do.
[ A pause. ]
Maybe not quite like I do, but.. you know what I mean.
[Alhaitham smiles, his teeth raking over Kaveh's lips as he nips at his lower lip, as he kneads at the flesh of his waist playfully.] Maybe not. He repeats. You're giving me a lot of credit, though. I will admit that the way I went about it was improper.
[Reaching to stroke his hair, Alhaitham draws in a long breath.] I will also admit that I treat you a bit differently than everyone else.
Maybe you're just bad at communicating, sometimes.
[ It's gentle, affectionate, even teasing, as his fingers run up and over the other man's chest and abdomen, exploring the lines of muscle with light scratches of his nails.
As for what the rest of Euler says, though, it makes him tilt his head. He's not sure how he feels about what the other has said— on one hand, part of him wants to be normal in Euler's life, treated the same as he would treat anyone else. But on the other... he likes the thought that he's special somehow.
And for once, he decides to ask, instead of allowing himself to form a judgement without doing so. ]
[Oh, but those fingers are doing things to him. Alhaitham's eyes flutter closed, his breath slipping into his mouth through his teeth as he plucks those fingers from his chest to press a kiss to them.]
In the same way you treat me differently. [He sighs, presses a kiss to his palm, to his wrist.] Isn't it natural, to act a bit differently when you have a crush?
[ Kaveh's heart aches. It would be so much easier, wouldn't it, if Euler were the one in his day to day life, feeling like he does and working alongside him? Instead of that horrible awkwardness that has come into being at his work, they might be able to actually try going on dates, try something out for real instead of this. He longs for more, but he can't help the fact that this is whom he's falling (fallen) for, and...
His eyes close, and the hand currently against Euler's mouth moves slightly to cup his cheek, brush lightly over the skin. ]
I guess it is. But I.. I should let you know that it's.. it's kind of beyond a crush, for me.
Part of him says that there's no way that the true Alhaitham can ever come out, not really. Anything will be a betrayal.
So Alhaitham—Euler—slips past the grasp of that hand, captures Pharos' lips with his own. And this, this is deep, hungry—
—broken.
Call him selfish, but he's aiming to revel in the taste of Kaveh on his tongue for a moment further. To the point that when he pulls back, it's Alhaitham who needs to catch his breath.] This is foolish.
[ Kaveh gasps as he's all but crushed in a kiss, his fingers sliding up into Euler's hair to hold him tight, pull him closer as he returns it, every bit as deep and needy as the other man is. Every bit as broken, when something about it feels like the other is trying to hold on to something that's falling so suddenly apart.
He's an idiot. He shouldn't have said anything. He's an idiot— ]
I know. [ His voice is a whisper, and his eyes suddenly sting with unshed tears. ] I know it is. But I can't help it.
[ He bites his lip again, hesitant over the next words, but needing to give Euler the chance to back away from them, even if it's the last thing he wants. ]
If you don't want to see me again, I'll understand.
[The kiss still tingles on his lips, and Alhaitham tips his head enough to kiss at his cheeks, right under where the tears would fall. He rolls them so he's laying on top of Kaveh, a leg slipping between his before he kisses them again, and he shakes his head when he pulls back, encasing that beautiful face between his braced arms.]
I know. I know you can't. I'm not blaming you. [He lets his forehead rest on Kaveh's, and he curses all of this, the masks, the fronts, the fact that he messed up on their very first encounter.] I'm not rejecting you, Pharos. I don't think I ever could.
[He sighs, closing his eyes. Stealing another kiss. Soft, this time. Fond. So very warm.] But… let's take our time. I don't want to rush, and I certainly don't want to rush you. We should learn about each other truly, shouldn't we?
[He nuzzles their noses together.] We can do that, right?
[ There's a relief that settles on his chest even before Euler speaks, as the other man rolls them over and slots a leg between his. He's a kind enough man, and honest enough, that if he were rejecting him, he wouldn't do it with a kiss. And then he shakes his head and confirms his actions with words, and Kaveh sighs too.
I don't think I ever could. Archons. He says he has a crush, but he speaks like a man in just as deep as Kaveh is, and...
He smiles, fingers continuing to curl through his hair, stroke along his scalp. Admittedly, taking their time isn't something he's sure he wants, not when he's so sure, but... given the complexity of the situation, he understands that too. And so he nods. ]
You're not rushing me, Euler. If anything, I'm the one who's trying to rush... I'm sorry. It's hard when I know how I feel, but... [ A soft breath. ] We can do that.
I'm not invalidating your feelings, either. [Foolish, almost unbelievable as they are. Alhaitham isn't sure how he ended up with a man who hates him and has romantic feelings for him at the same time. He'll need to think further.
Later, though. He looks into Kaveh's eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching in a half-smile in what he hopes is reassurance.] I'm not going anywhere. [A beat.] Unless you want me to. But we can afford a reasonable pace.
[ To the statement Euler makes about Kaveh potentially wanting him to, the blonde is quick to shake his head. ]
I don't want you to. I like you right here, with me.
[ And he's relieved. Having his feelings invalidated would surely feel like shit—
a realization that forces a strange kind of guilt to settle in his stomach as he frowns, and nuzzles in closer in an effort to hide that frown. It's not something that should spoil their time together, anyway. ]
So... yeah. Take all the time you need, Euler. I'll wait as long as you want.
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sempiternals2023-10-04 01:27 am
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On the other, what Euler says makes a lot of sense— not just for this topic, but for others too.
Like their first meeting.
...Ugh, no. Kaveh shakes the thought off and curls in a little closer, humming at the gentle way Euler plays with his necklace, with his hair. He doesn't want to think about Alhaitham right now at all— he's with the man he wants to be with, and it's evident to him that that man cares about him too, so... there's no need for his brain to focus on anyone else, not even for a second. As if to remind himself, he leans, presses a soft kiss to the corner of Euler's mouth.
Changes the topic. ]
You said you wanna work out what I like. [ A pause, as he smiles, as his cheeks redden slightly. ] I liked it when you slapped my ass. When you edged me, too. I know I whined about it, but I could go for longer..
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While he's a bit disappointed that Kaveh is changing the topic, he can understand it's probably for the best. There's only so much he can do when… well, talking about himself, so he allows it. He hums, tilting his head a little.] Does this mean you probably enjoy it if I am a little mean to you?
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Mm... define "mean".
[ He liked what happened, after all. But with his mind so freshly on Alhaitham, supplying other sources of something Kaveh thinks of as unkind, he's not sure whether he likes the idea as a whole. ]
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[It's a straightforward answer. Alhaitham isn't making the connection, and he'd rather never do. However mean or unkind one can be should be left outside of the bedroom, in his opinion.] With due reward and care after, of course. There are ways I can go about it. Denying you a climax, tying you up. Blindfolds… Inflict a little bit of pain without harm.
Or just denying you, period.[He shakes his head.] Though I believe I'd have a hard time with that last one.
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[ Kaveh's voice is very quiet, but Alhaitham will see the heat on his cheeks even with the mask concealing part of them. Then, he nods. ]
That all sounds... mm. Except for the last one, they all sound really good. I'd like to try them. But I don't think I'd like it if you denied me as a punishment.
[ His teeth worry at his lower lip. How to go about explaining why without sounding completely pathetic? Without admitting that he's so, so afraid of being left alone that he knows it would paralyze him?
Falling quiet, he curls in closer still. ]
I wanna be yours, so don't deny me. Please.
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Sweet Celestia, this man saying he wants to be his. Alhaitham's heart breaks as he presses kisses on the crown of his head.
A thumb comes up and soothes that bitten lip.]
Then no denial. I may punish you if you're ever behaving like a brat, but I won't ever leave you alone.
[He snorts.] I wasn't expecting this to be a kink talk, but I'm not complaining.
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It doesn't have to be! I was just thinking that... you know, before, you said you wanted to learn together what I liked, so...
[ He presses his own kiss into the other's bicep, where his head is still cradled. ]
I wanna ask what you like too. But we can talk about anything you want, Euler. I just.. honestly, I'm just happy to be here with you.
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Alhaitham knows he's lost.]
I'll be honest, I haven't been able to explore a lot yet. [He admits, stroking Kaveh's cheek, pinching gently on the flesh pulled by his smile. He's beautiful.] Any of what we discussed sounds very good to me. I can take a more dominating role if you'd like, but I am happy to explore other things, too.
[He presses a soft kiss on his temple.] You're sweet. I'm glad, too.
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Mm, then we can explore together, right? I know it's not easy meeting up like this but.. I'd like to, when we can.
[ Another kiss to his bicep, and that thoughtful look comes to Kaveh's face again. ]
Will you tell me more about yourself, Mister E? I'm not trying to doxx you or anything— [ a weird thing to say when he's literally in the man's arms ] —but.. I feel like I've unloaded a lot of my problems on you in the past, and you haven't had the chance to share much. I mean if you prefer it that way that's okay too, I just.. thought I should give you the chance, or something. I'd like to know more, if you'll share.
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He hums a thoughtful sound.] I wasn't expecting my problems could be pillow talk, but I'm okay with sharing them if you want to listen.
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My problems have been pillow talk more than enough times for us, haven't they? Anyway, it doesn't have to be problems if you want.. I just want to get to know you better, so whatever you want to share, I'll listen to you.
[ He means it. Kaveh has always taken a keen interest in the lives of his loved ones, but this is something beyond that, like a craving to get to know the man better even as he tries to respect the distance he knows they have to have. ]
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I moved here recently because I was considered persona non grata at my old job. [And he shrugs.] Which is to be expected, considering I had our boss arrested. I found some documentation about the misusage of funds, delivered it to the authorities, and a lot of people were affected by the aftermath. I was not expecting people to congratulate me, but right now, you could say that I'm having some trouble adapting.
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His expression, though, quickly becomes serious. Come to think of it, something similar happened in his own field recently, although he doesn't know what happened to the whistleblower. He has to imagine it's difficult, though, for Euler's old coworkers as well. If his own research were to get affected by something like this— and it very nearly did, given that that university was angling to buy off members of his own design and planning department— he could end up homeless, and yet at the same time he can't deny it was the right thing to do. ]
I think you did a brave thing, Euler. It's not easy to do the right thing when it's going to have a blowback like that, but you did it anyway. Maybe the people there now don't appreciate it, but others will benefit in the future, so.. yeah.
[ As for the trouble adjusting... ]
I think you told me about the rest, though. You said you worried you'd caused too strong an impression with your new coworkers?
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He nods, the motion nuzzling into Kaveh's hair.]
I perhaps was too blunt with how I presented myself and the way things were done in my previous job. Was too quick to judge. Naturally, people took offense to it. Hopefully, with time things will change a bit.
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You? Too blunt? [ he murmurs against the other's mouth, still smiling, before he pulls away, looking down at him with his eyes bright and warm. ] I think giving it some time is the right thing to do. Let them get to know you a little more, and they'll see you like I do.
[ A pause. ]
Maybe not quite like I do, but.. you know what I mean.
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[Reaching to stroke his hair, Alhaitham draws in a long breath.] I will also admit that I treat you a bit differently than everyone else.
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[ It's gentle, affectionate, even teasing, as his fingers run up and over the other man's chest and abdomen, exploring the lines of muscle with light scratches of his nails.
As for what the rest of Euler says, though, it makes him tilt his head. He's not sure how he feels about what the other has said— on one hand, part of him wants to be normal in Euler's life, treated the same as he would treat anyone else. But on the other... he likes the thought that he's special somehow.
And for once, he decides to ask, instead of allowing himself to form a judgement without doing so. ]
Mm? How is it different, the way you treat me?
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In the same way you treat me differently. [He sighs, presses a kiss to his palm, to his wrist.] Isn't it natural, to act a bit differently when you have a crush?
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(fallen)for, and...His eyes close, and the hand currently against Euler's mouth moves slightly to cup his cheek, brush lightly over the skin. ]
I guess it is. But I.. I should let you know that it's.. it's kind of beyond a crush, for me.
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He thinks he hears his own heart crumbling.
Part of him says that there's no way that the true Alhaitham can ever come out, not really. Anything will be a betrayal.
So Alhaitham—Euler—slips past the grasp of that hand, captures Pharos' lips with his own. And this, this is deep, hungry—
—broken.
Call him selfish, but he's aiming to revel in the taste of Kaveh on his tongue for a moment further. To the point that when he pulls back, it's Alhaitham who needs to catch his breath.] This is foolish.
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He's an idiot. He shouldn't have said anything. He's an idiot— ]
I know. [ His voice is a whisper, and his eyes suddenly sting with unshed tears. ] I know it is. But I can't help it.
[ He bites his lip again, hesitant over the next words, but needing to give Euler the chance to back away from them, even if it's the last thing he wants. ]
If you don't want to see me again, I'll understand.
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I know. I know you can't. I'm not blaming you. [He lets his forehead rest on Kaveh's, and he curses all of this, the masks, the fronts, the fact that he messed up on their very first encounter.] I'm not rejecting you, Pharos. I don't think I ever could.
[He sighs, closing his eyes. Stealing another kiss. Soft, this time. Fond. So very warm.] But… let's take our time. I don't want to rush, and I certainly don't want to rush you. We should learn about each other truly, shouldn't we?
[He nuzzles their noses together.] We can do that, right?
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I don't think I ever could. Archons. He says he has a crush, but he speaks like a man in just as deep as Kaveh is, and...
He smiles, fingers continuing to curl through his hair, stroke along his scalp. Admittedly, taking their time isn't something he's sure he wants, not when he's so sure, but... given the complexity of the situation, he understands that too. And so he nods. ]
You're not rushing me, Euler. If anything, I'm the one who's trying to rush... I'm sorry. It's hard when I know how I feel, but... [ A soft breath. ] We can do that.
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Later, though. He looks into Kaveh's eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching in a half-smile in what he hopes is reassurance.] I'm not going anywhere. [A beat.] Unless you want me to. But we can afford a reasonable pace.
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I don't want you to. I like you right here, with me.
[ And he's relieved. Having his feelings invalidated would surely feel like shit—
a realization that forces a strange kind of guilt to settle in his stomach as he frowns, and nuzzles in closer in an effort to hide that frown. It's not something that should spoil their time together, anyway. ]
So... yeah. Take all the time you need, Euler. I'll wait as long as you want.
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