[ he knows very well that this isn't okay, that kaveh isn't okay, that they are not okay. there is nothing even remotely okay about any of this, and he won't allow himself to be comforted when he has broken kaveh's trust so completely, when he has violated him in ways that may never heal. tighnari's chest feels tight, and he can sense the creeping panic climbing his shoulders. all he wants to do is run, to pull away and curl in a dark corner of his room and never, ever look kaveh in the eye again.
but that's not possible. they're tied together, his hips won't budge, and besides, kaveh deserves better. tighnari isn't a coward. he's done this terrible thing, and he needs to own up to it. tears fill his eyes, hot and stinging, but he blinks them back with a rough, rattling inhale; he doesn't deserve to cry, to have that outlet, and kaveh should not feel the need to comfort him when this is entirely and squarely on tighnari's shoulders. ]
And you shouldn't be sorry. You didn't - you didn't do anything wrong, it was.. I was..
[ he can't pull away from kaveh, all he can to is close his eyes and turn his face away, his trembling tail tucking between his legs in deep, consuming shame. ]
[ Kaveh doesn't know what to do. Tighnari (rightfully) won't listen when he says he's okay, and his knot keeps them from separating. He won't look at him, can barely talk to him— and... Archons, gods, are those tears welling in his friend's eyes?
Kaveh takes a deep, shuddering breath. ]
...Okay. I won't lie to you. [ His friend is always honest with everyone else, so doesn't he deserve honesty in return? And maybe it's the best way to explain how he feels over what has just happened to them. ] It's not okay. But it... it also wasn't your fault, okay? You didn't mean for it to happen. You tried... you tried really hard to fight it.
[ As he speaks, the tears flow over his lashes and down his cheeks. Yes, he's been hurt. Violated, even. He'll cry about it later, in the privacy of his own quarters, for it. Something has happened that they can't take back— but that doesn't mean it has to ruin them, either. Everything broken can be repaired. Right? ]
It's not okay but— but we're okay. [ The words aren't enough, but they're all he has right now. He just needs Tighnari to be okay again. ]
tighnari doesn't know, but he does appreciate kaveh's open honesty, even if it's a knife in his heart. kaveh is clinging desperately to their friendship, their relationship, and tighnari does not understand why, when he has betrayed kaveh so deeply, so completely..
he opens his mouth to reply, but all he can manage is a soft, painful, twisted sound like a quiet sob, broken and mournful. he can't look at kaveh, can't allow kaveh to see the mask of pain on his face, can't allow him to take any more blame for this than he already has. kaveh did nothing wrong, he was only trying to help, it was tighnari who could not control himself, who was careless enough to let this happen.
he's a healer. he's supposed to help, not to hurt.
dropping his head, tighnari's ears pin back against his skull, his shoulders shaking as he hides his face against kaveh's shoulder. ]
I'm.. I'm so sorry.
[ it's not enough. an apology could never be enough. ]
[ The sound Tighnari breaks serves only to break Kaveh's heart. The blonde's arms wrap tight around him, pull him close as that face presses into his shoulder.
The other is uttering apologies that he can't stop, and as much as he wants to claim he doesn't need them, he knows in his heart he does. He's hurt, he's hurting, and he knows Tighnari is the only who hurt him— but he also knows it's not Tighnari's fault.
His fingers thread into the other's hair, stroking through it softly, and lips press a soft kiss into his scalp even as his tears wet it in the same moment. ]
`Nari.
[ His voice is quiet, hushed against the other's hair. ]
Do you remember when I first told you that I'm a guy? I told you I wanted to die, because I felt like— [ he pauses, swallows hard against the lump in his throat ] —I told you I was a freak. Do you remember what you said?
[ kaveh holds to him, and tighnari wants so badly to pull away, to ask kaveh why he's bothering, why he still cares. it doesn't make sense. tighnari deserves his wrath, not his forgiveness - he has betrayed kaveh, and he has betrayed himself. the comfort he gets from kaveh's warm arms around him feels wrong, it feels forbidden, it feels utterly undeserved. tighnari is sure that he has never felt so low. everything feels broken.
the only reason he does not run is because he can't.
when kaveh speaks again, tighnari is silent. yes, he remembers, of course he remembers. he'd been so worried about kaveh, then, had been completely bent on helping him to move forward and heal and learn how to love himself in his own skin. ]
[ As uncomfortable as it feels with Tighnari's knot pressed firmly into him, Kaveh is almost glad for it in the moment. He can feel the other man twitching, feel the urge for him to run away, but the knot prevents him from doing so, forces him to stay pressed in close to the older of the two.
Because as hurt as Kaveh is, he won't just let Tighnari run from this. If he runs, then things stay broken, and that can't happen, not when the other man means so much to him, so...
He has to fix this. Somehow. ]
Tell me. [ His voice is quiet, shaky with exhaustion and emotion both, but insistent. ] Tell me what you said to me then.
[ kaveh is trying so hard to hold on, to make this all okay, and tighnari can't for the life of him understand why. why he would forgive this. why he would ever think that this would be okay. why he would want it to be okay. all of this is entirely baffling. ]
I.. I said..
[ he tries to think, tries to remember, though his mind is spinning, reeling. ]
I said.. there is only evolution and change. That it was beautiful.
[ but what could possibly be beautiful about this? how is it in any way the same? ]
[ Kaveh nods, the movement slow so as not to upset the delicate balance between the two of them right now. ]
Yeah. You did. At the time... I understood it as you telling me that... this is who I am, right? That it's something I can't change, but that makes me who I am?
[ Even in the dim light of the room, the scars from Kaveh's surgery are visible, underscoring each pectoral like a dark slash. At first, he'd hated them— now, they're a badge of pride. But Tighnari stood by him through all of it, helped him remember who he was. ]
[ but kaveh can't understand. his body, his transition didn't hurt anyone - it's not the same thing, tighnari has done something despicable, something that will surely haunt kaveh for the rest of his days. he's already been through so much..
but kaveh is trying so very hard to make this better, to make things okay, that tighnari does not have the heart to argue further, to tell him that he's wrong. to convince him that there's no healing this, that he shouldn't forgive tighnari for this. instead he falls silent, closing his eyes against the tears that threaten to spill, his throat working as he swallows thickly.
he's softening, his knot slowly receding, enough so that he is beginning to slip free. ]
Kaveh.. you should go, before I lose control again. I'll - I'll patch you up, but then you need to leave.
[ But he's interrupted, told by Tighnari he needs to leave before the other loses control again, and Kaveh just sighs, shakes his head— and he reaches, grabbing the other's face in both of his hands, staring up at him with red-rimmed crimson eyes even as fresh tears spill over his lower lashes. ]
You can patch me up— [ you need to patch me up ] —but I'm not going anywhere, Tighnari. I'm not gonna let you suffer through this alone.
[ He takes the smallest of breaths, but he's afraid of the other trying to interrupt, to argue, and so he rushes on: ]
This is who you are. This is something you can't change about yourself. I know you're trying to protect me but— but `nari, you always protect me. Let me be the one to protect you this time. Please.
[ tighnari can't help it, he lets out a frustrated, mournful sound, almost like a breathless laugh, but there is no joy in the noise, only pain and loss and desperation. he can't hurt kaveh again. he can't allow himself to keep doing this. why can't kaveh understand? is this his way of coping? tighnari can't fathom it. those hands touch his face, kaveh is weeping, and tighnari feels his heart splintering behind his ribs. ]
I didn't protect you. I hurt you..
[ why, kaveh, why, why -
tighnari's tears spill over, a sob caught in his throat that he attempts to swallow down, his ears pinned back hard, his tail still trembling. ]
Why.. why would you want to protect me..
[ he swallows thickly again, aching inside, furious with himself, frustrated by kaveh's relentless kindness, his forgiveness that sears tighnari's protections away. slowly, he forces himself to pull back. he needs to focus, he needs to get kaveh cleaned up before the worst happens again. ]
[ The words come quietly, insistently. He'd rather tell Tighnari that he didn't hurt him, but he knows the other would call him out for that, would tell him not to lie. So he doesn't. Instead, he sticks to the truth— all of it, no matter how hard. And he would elaborate further, would tell Tighnari why it's so important to him to protect his friend... but the other is pulling away, out—
(the cum practically gushes from between his legs, coloring the bloodstained table an odd, milky red)
—and telling him to sit up. So Kaveh does, fighting the urge to reach out and run gentle fingers through Tighnari's hair, to touch him, to do something to try and just... calm him down, help him, heal him. Instead, he turns over, presenting his back to the other once more, the blood from the welts now smeared and smudged across pale skin, mottled in other places with the dark color left behind by the other's lips. ]
[ no, not on purpose.. and yet, it still happened.
tighnari quickly swaps into work mode as best as he can. he needs to hurry, needs to clean kaveh up so he can convince him to leave, he doesn't have the time right now to feel sorry for himself, or for what had happened between them. that can come later, after kaveh is taken care of.
quickly tugging up his shorts again, tighnari sets to it. he washes his hands and gloves up, prepares damp and dry towels, and examines kaveh's back and rear. at the very least, the wounds don't seem to have been aggravated by tighnari's assault.. the smallest of blessings. silent as the grave, he works, wiping up the mess from the table, and from kaveh's body, carefully cleaning away cum and blood until it's all wiped away, leaving tighnari to be better able to see the lacerations.
with the blood gone, they don't look so terrible. none are severe enough to require sutures, so instead tighnari applies a few butterfly stitches to the deepest wounds, then slathers on antiseptic salve and bandages the area. the bleeding has more or less staunched itself by now. ]
All right, you're finished.
[ he says, peeling off his gloves and moving to a cabinet to fetch some pills for the pain. ]
[ Kaveh lies in silence while Tighnari works, trying not to flinch as he moves quickly, cleaning off the mess of fluids on his back so he can work on the wounds themselves. Like always, he's quick. Efficient.
Kaveh hates how silent he is throughout it.
He understands. Tighnari has to feel horrible for the same reasons he does. This wasn't meant to happen (this way). Kaveh asked him to slow down and he couldn't. The medic probably feels like he's guilty of something terrible, just like the courtesan feels wrong, like he lost control over his own body to someone else—
But Kaveh never told him to stop, either. It's a thought both dizzying and sobering.
When Tighnari moves to the cabinet, Kaveh sits up again to wait for the pills, and his arms fold across his chest, still wrapped in the tatters of lingerie left from before. ]
How come I've never seen you like this before? [ The words are soft, kind, lacking the accusation others might have. Kaveh, through and through. ] Surely it happens more than once every few years.
[ tighnari is glad that kaveh lets him work quietly, he doesn't want to argue any further, doesn't want to be comforted, he just wants to see kaveh tended to and cleaned up before the urge begins to bite at his shoulders again. ]
I take supplements to suppress it every year.
[ shaking two pills free of the bottle, he drops them into kaveh's hand, then offers him a small cup of water to wash them down. his voice is thin, rough, tired, and matter-of-fact. ]
[ Kaveh takes the pills that are offered, swallows them back with the water Tighnari hands to him, and puts it aside in silence, frowning and shaking his head. Whatever the reason, his friend's supplements haven't worked this year, so... ]
How long does it last?
[ There's a small, thoughtful frown on his face. He doesn't make to leave, as he's sure Tighnari would prefer, but neither does he reach out to touch him at all, quietly taking a measure of the situation as he gathers his silken sleep pants back up to his hips. ]
[ tighnari sighs softly, then peels off his gloves to wash his hands again, trying to keep himself busy. now that the immediate horror of what happened has passed, he's now feeling.. numb. hollow. ]
Overall it'll be a month or so until I'm back to normal, but this week will be the worst of it. I'll have to.. figure something out. Different herbs. Another combination..
[ he sounds distracted. distant. his heart is aching. tighnari dries his hands, then moves to pluck a thin cloth robe from a peg on the wall, which he drapes over kaveh's shoulders before he's returning to the cabinet to pull out a smaller bottle, which he brings back and sets beside kaveh. ]
You can take two of these every six hours as needed. If you have any inflammation, heat, or discharge from the wounds let me know.
[ That's a long time for Tighnari to be suffering. He's not the only medic that the establishment has, but he's the most experienced and busiest, and if it's like this... Kaveh frowns as the bottle is set beside him, running the numbers in his head in silence. A week is a long time, especially for someone booked as regularly as he is, but he can afford it, and...
The look on Tighnari's face, the distracted sound to his voice— it breaks Kaveh's heart, and— and he'll be hurting if he's on his own, and Kaveh loves him and doesn't want him to hurt, and other people could be in danger like this too, and
Archons.
Kaveh loves him, doesn't he?
Taking a deep breath, the blonde stands from the table, pulling the robe a little closer around himself, tucking the bottles of medicine into its pockets before he reaches out, slim fingers winding around Tighnari's wrist. ]
Pack what you'll need. We'll go to my quarters. I'll have the madam cancel my appointments for the week, and the other medics can fill in for you.
[ mild shock shifts across tighnari's face, followed immediately by hard stubbornness. ]
Kaveh, no.
[ averting his gaze, tighnari's hands curl into fists beside him. ]
You need to rest, Kaveh, and besides, I - after what happened, we - I shouldn't..
[ his heart squeezes in his chest. kaveh is only trying to help, he knows, but it's foolish of him. no, tighnari didn't do it on purpose, but he still hurt kaveh, the damage is still done, and that's what matters. kaveh doesn't need to feel responsible for helping him, especially after.. ]
[ No. Whatever the damage is, it doesn't matter. Kaveh can't bear the thought of what Tighnari will need to go through by himself if he doesn't accept his help. And... he dreads this thought, doesn't want to speak it into existence, but isn't it possible his friend could lose control around someone else, too, if he can't get his mixtures right in time? So many problems could be caused by something Kaveh can fix, and...
His fingers tighten on the other's wrist. ]
I'll rest. I promise. But it will be with you next to me, `nari, because I'm not going back to my quarters without you. I won't— I can't let you go through this on your own.
[ oh, kaveh.. he's so damned kind, it's like a knife right between tighnari's ribs. swallowing thickly, tighnari looks away. ]
So you'll let me hurt you, instead.
[ why can't kaveh understand? this is tighnari's problem, and his problem only, the last thing he wants is to put kaveh through that again. once was enough. once was too much. raising his arms, he hugs them tightly around his body. ]
I can't.. I can't do that again, Kaveh, I can't hurt you like that again..
[ Kaveh sighs. Tighnari isn't listening to him, and he gets it, his friend is scared of what happened, of how he lost control, but it's something that only happened because he was trying to deny himself, rather than give himself over to what he needs...
Kaveh moves closer, reaches to cup his friend's smaller face in his hand, looks down at him with dead seriousness in his crimson eyes. ]
You hurt me because you were too busy trying to not hurt anyone. Aren't you at more risk of losing yourself again without a proper outlet? [ He leans down, presses a soft kiss at the corner of Tighnari's lips. ] I trust you, `nari.
[ kaveh takes his face in soft hands, looks him in the eye, and tighnari feels his strength beginning to crumble. fresh tears fill his eyes, hot and shining, and tighnari breathes in sharply. he doesn't know where to begin, how to even internalize what's happened.. but kaveh is relentless, and tighnari is too tired and aching to fight it any longer.
his gaze drops, and he swallows thickly, then nods. ]
.. all right.
[ kaveh trusts him.. he shouldn't, but he does. tighnari doesn't know why, or how, he would possibly still trust him after all of this, but he does, and that's that. ]
[ Kaveh nods, and steps back. On some level, he feels awful, as if he is now the one forcing this, making Tighnari do something he doesn't want to do.
They'll talk about it. They'll talk about that, and what happened before, and Kaveh will help his friend see that he's not some monster because of it, and they'll be okay. Emotionally and physically too. It's a much better scenario than leaving Tighnari here all by himself, where he'll suffer with both, and where someone else could end up hurt too. ]
[ to be fair, tighnari had planned to lock himself away with sedatives while kaveh left - he'd never leave himself in the position to hurt someone else, not after this - but kaveh gets his request nonetheless, so tighnari nods and turns away to slip back into his rooms.
he goes through the motions quietly and hollowly, carefully preparing a bag full of clothing, medicines, and the necessary toiletries, before he's returning to the door again. already he's beginning to feel his skin flush with heat. it'll be another few hours before it's unbearable again, but the itch is certainly there. he looks distracted. fidgety. ]
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sempiternals2023-12-14 11:09 am
no subject
Don't lie to me.
[ he knows very well that this isn't okay, that kaveh isn't okay, that they are not okay. there is nothing even remotely okay about any of this, and he won't allow himself to be comforted when he has broken kaveh's trust so completely, when he has violated him in ways that may never heal. tighnari's chest feels tight, and he can sense the creeping panic climbing his shoulders. all he wants to do is run, to pull away and curl in a dark corner of his room and never, ever look kaveh in the eye again.
but that's not possible. they're tied together, his hips won't budge, and besides, kaveh deserves better. tighnari isn't a coward. he's done this terrible thing, and he needs to own up to it. tears fill his eyes, hot and stinging, but he blinks them back with a rough, rattling inhale; he doesn't deserve to cry, to have that outlet, and kaveh should not feel the need to comfort him when this is entirely and squarely on tighnari's shoulders. ]
And you shouldn't be sorry. You didn't - you didn't do anything wrong, it was.. I was..
[ he can't pull away from kaveh, all he can to is close his eyes and turn his face away, his trembling tail tucking between his legs in deep, consuming shame. ]
no subject
Kaveh takes a deep, shuddering breath. ]
...Okay. I won't lie to you. [ His friend is always honest with everyone else, so doesn't he deserve honesty in return? And maybe it's the best way to explain how he feels over what has just happened to them. ] It's not okay. But it... it also wasn't your fault, okay? You didn't mean for it to happen. You tried... you tried really hard to fight it.
[ As he speaks, the tears flow over his lashes and down his cheeks. Yes, he's been hurt. Violated, even. He'll cry about it later, in the privacy of his own quarters, for it. Something has happened that they can't take back— but that doesn't mean it has to ruin them, either. Everything broken can be repaired. Right? ]
It's not okay but— but we're okay. [ The words aren't enough, but they're all he has right now. He just needs Tighnari to be okay again. ]
no subject
tighnari doesn't know, but he does appreciate kaveh's open honesty, even if it's a knife in his heart. kaveh is clinging desperately to their friendship, their relationship, and tighnari does not understand why, when he has betrayed kaveh so deeply, so completely..
he opens his mouth to reply, but all he can manage is a soft, painful, twisted sound like a quiet sob, broken and mournful. he can't look at kaveh, can't allow kaveh to see the mask of pain on his face, can't allow him to take any more blame for this than he already has. kaveh did nothing wrong, he was only trying to help, it was tighnari who could not control himself, who was careless enough to let this happen.
he's a healer. he's supposed to help, not to hurt.
dropping his head, tighnari's ears pin back against his skull, his shoulders shaking as he hides his face against kaveh's shoulder. ]
I'm.. I'm so sorry.
[ it's not enough. an apology could never be enough. ]
no subject
The other is uttering apologies that he can't stop, and as much as he wants to claim he doesn't need them, he knows in his heart he does. He's hurt, he's hurting, and he knows Tighnari is the only who hurt him— but he also knows it's not Tighnari's fault.
His fingers thread into the other's hair, stroking through it softly, and lips press a soft kiss into his scalp even as his tears wet it in the same moment. ]
`Nari.
[ His voice is quiet, hushed against the other's hair. ]
Do you remember when I first told you that I'm a guy? I told you I wanted to die, because I felt like— [ he pauses, swallows hard against the lump in his throat ] —I told you I was a freak. Do you remember what you said?
no subject
the only reason he does not run is because he can't.
when kaveh speaks again, tighnari is silent. yes, he remembers, of course he remembers. he'd been so worried about kaveh, then, had been completely bent on helping him to move forward and heal and learn how to love himself in his own skin. ]
.. yes, I remember.
no subject
Because as hurt as Kaveh is, he won't just let Tighnari run from this. If he runs, then things stay broken, and that can't happen, not when the other man means so much to him, so...
He has to fix this. Somehow. ]
Tell me. [ His voice is quiet, shaky with exhaustion and emotion both, but insistent. ] Tell me what you said to me then.
no subject
I.. I said..
[ he tries to think, tries to remember, though his mind is spinning, reeling. ]
I said.. there is only evolution and change. That it was beautiful.
[ but what could possibly be beautiful about this? how is it in any way the same? ]
no subject
Yeah. You did. At the time... I understood it as you telling me that... this is who I am, right? That it's something I can't change, but that makes me who I am?
[ Even in the dim light of the room, the scars from Kaveh's surgery are visible, underscoring each pectoral like a dark slash. At first, he'd hated them— now, they're a badge of pride. But Tighnari stood by him through all of it, helped him remember who he was. ]
Did I understand you wrongly?
no subject
[ but kaveh can't understand. his body, his transition didn't hurt anyone - it's not the same thing, tighnari has done something despicable, something that will surely haunt kaveh for the rest of his days. he's already been through so much..
but kaveh is trying so very hard to make this better, to make things okay, that tighnari does not have the heart to argue further, to tell him that he's wrong. to convince him that there's no healing this, that he shouldn't forgive tighnari for this. instead he falls silent, closing his eyes against the tears that threaten to spill, his throat working as he swallows thickly.
he's softening, his knot slowly receding, enough so that he is beginning to slip free. ]
Kaveh.. you should go, before I lose control again. I'll - I'll patch you up, but then you need to leave.
no subject
[ But he's interrupted, told by Tighnari he needs to leave before the other loses control again, and Kaveh just sighs, shakes his head— and he reaches, grabbing the other's face in both of his hands, staring up at him with red-rimmed crimson eyes even as fresh tears spill over his lower lashes. ]
You can patch me up— [ you need to patch me up ] —but I'm not going anywhere, Tighnari. I'm not gonna let you suffer through this alone.
[ He takes the smallest of breaths, but he's afraid of the other trying to interrupt, to argue, and so he rushes on: ]
This is who you are. This is something you can't change about yourself. I know you're trying to protect me but— but `nari, you always protect me. Let me be the one to protect you this time. Please.
no subject
I didn't protect you. I hurt you..
[ why, kaveh, why, why -
tighnari's tears spill over, a sob caught in his throat that he attempts to swallow down, his ears pinned back hard, his tail still trembling. ]
Why.. why would you want to protect me..
[ he swallows thickly again, aching inside, furious with himself, frustrated by kaveh's relentless kindness, his forgiveness that sears tighnari's protections away. slowly, he forces himself to pull back. he needs to focus, he needs to get kaveh cleaned up before the worst happens again. ]
Just.. just try to sit up. I'll clean you up.
no subject
[ The words come quietly, insistently. He'd rather tell Tighnari that he didn't hurt him, but he knows the other would call him out for that, would tell him not to lie. So he doesn't. Instead, he sticks to the truth— all of it, no matter how hard. And he would elaborate further, would tell Tighnari why it's so important to him to protect his friend... but the other is pulling away, out—
(the cum practically gushes from between his legs, coloring the bloodstained table an odd, milky red)
—and telling him to sit up. So Kaveh does, fighting the urge to reach out and run gentle fingers through Tighnari's hair, to touch him, to do something to try and just... calm him down, help him, heal him. Instead, he turns over, presenting his back to the other once more, the blood from the welts now smeared and smudged across pale skin, mottled in other places with the dark color left behind by the other's lips. ]
no subject
tighnari quickly swaps into work mode as best as he can. he needs to hurry, needs to clean kaveh up so he can convince him to leave, he doesn't have the time right now to feel sorry for himself, or for what had happened between them. that can come later, after kaveh is taken care of.
quickly tugging up his shorts again, tighnari sets to it. he washes his hands and gloves up, prepares damp and dry towels, and examines kaveh's back and rear. at the very least, the wounds don't seem to have been aggravated by tighnari's assault.. the smallest of blessings. silent as the grave, he works, wiping up the mess from the table, and from kaveh's body, carefully cleaning away cum and blood until it's all wiped away, leaving tighnari to be better able to see the lacerations.
with the blood gone, they don't look so terrible. none are severe enough to require sutures, so instead tighnari applies a few butterfly stitches to the deepest wounds, then slathers on antiseptic salve and bandages the area. the bleeding has more or less staunched itself by now. ]
All right, you're finished.
[ he says, peeling off his gloves and moving to a cabinet to fetch some pills for the pain. ]
no subject
Kaveh hates how silent he is throughout it.
He understands. Tighnari has to feel horrible for the same reasons he does. This wasn't meant to happen (this way). Kaveh asked him to slow down and he couldn't. The medic probably feels like he's guilty of something terrible, just like the courtesan feels wrong, like he lost control over his own body to someone else—
But Kaveh never told him to stop, either. It's a thought both dizzying and sobering.
When Tighnari moves to the cabinet, Kaveh sits up again to wait for the pills, and his arms fold across his chest, still wrapped in the tatters of lingerie left from before. ]
How come I've never seen you like this before? [ The words are soft, kind, lacking the accusation others might have. Kaveh, through and through. ] Surely it happens more than once every few years.
no subject
I take supplements to suppress it every year.
[ shaking two pills free of the bottle, he drops them into kaveh's hand, then offers him a small cup of water to wash them down. his voice is thin, rough, tired, and matter-of-fact. ]
Usually they work without a problem.
[ this time.. ]
no subject
How long does it last?
[ There's a small, thoughtful frown on his face. He doesn't make to leave, as he's sure Tighnari would prefer, but neither does he reach out to touch him at all, quietly taking a measure of the situation as he gathers his silken sleep pants back up to his hips. ]
no subject
[ tighnari sighs softly, then peels off his gloves to wash his hands again, trying to keep himself busy. now that the immediate horror of what happened has passed, he's now feeling.. numb. hollow. ]
Overall it'll be a month or so until I'm back to normal, but this week will be the worst of it. I'll have to.. figure something out. Different herbs. Another combination..
[ he sounds distracted. distant. his heart is aching. tighnari dries his hands, then moves to pluck a thin cloth robe from a peg on the wall, which he drapes over kaveh's shoulders before he's returning to the cabinet to pull out a smaller bottle, which he brings back and sets beside kaveh. ]
You can take two of these every six hours as needed. If you have any inflammation, heat, or discharge from the wounds let me know.
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[ That's a long time for Tighnari to be suffering. He's not the only medic that the establishment has, but he's the most experienced and busiest, and if it's like this... Kaveh frowns as the bottle is set beside him, running the numbers in his head in silence. A week is a long time, especially for someone booked as regularly as he is, but he can afford it, and...
The look on Tighnari's face, the distracted sound to his voice— it breaks Kaveh's heart, and— and he'll be hurting if he's on his own, and Kaveh loves him and doesn't want him to hurt, and other people could be in danger like this too, and
Archons.
Kaveh loves him, doesn't he?
Taking a deep breath, the blonde stands from the table, pulling the robe a little closer around himself, tucking the bottles of medicine into its pockets before he reaches out, slim fingers winding around Tighnari's wrist. ]
Pack what you'll need. We'll go to my quarters. I'll have the madam cancel my appointments for the week, and the other medics can fill in for you.
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Kaveh, no.
[ averting his gaze, tighnari's hands curl into fists beside him. ]
You need to rest, Kaveh, and besides, I - after what happened, we - I shouldn't..
[ his heart squeezes in his chest. kaveh is only trying to help, he knows, but it's foolish of him. no, tighnari didn't do it on purpose, but he still hurt kaveh, the damage is still done, and that's what matters. kaveh doesn't need to feel responsible for helping him, especially after.. ]
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His fingers tighten on the other's wrist. ]
I'll rest. I promise. But it will be with you next to me, `nari, because I'm not going back to my quarters without you. I won't— I can't let you go through this on your own.
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So you'll let me hurt you, instead.
[ why can't kaveh understand? this is tighnari's problem, and his problem only, the last thing he wants is to put kaveh through that again. once was enough. once was too much. raising his arms, he hugs them tightly around his body. ]
I can't.. I can't do that again, Kaveh, I can't hurt you like that again..
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[ Kaveh sighs. Tighnari isn't listening to him, and he gets it, his friend is scared of what happened, of how he lost control, but it's something that only happened because he was trying to deny himself, rather than give himself over to what he needs...
Kaveh moves closer, reaches to cup his friend's smaller face in his hand, looks down at him with dead seriousness in his crimson eyes. ]
You hurt me because you were too busy trying to not hurt anyone. Aren't you at more risk of losing yourself again without a proper outlet? [ He leans down, presses a soft kiss at the corner of Tighnari's lips. ] I trust you, `nari.
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his gaze drops, and he swallows thickly, then nods. ]
.. all right.
[ kaveh trusts him.. he shouldn't, but he does. tighnari doesn't know why, or how, he would possibly still trust him after all of this, but he does, and that's that. ]
I'll.. get some clothes.
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They'll talk about it. They'll talk about that, and what happened before, and Kaveh will help his friend see that he's not some monster because of it, and they'll be okay. Emotionally and physically too. It's a much better scenario than leaving Tighnari here all by himself, where he'll suffer with both, and where someone else could end up hurt too. ]
Okay. I'm here when you're ready to go.
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he goes through the motions quietly and hollowly, carefully preparing a bag full of clothing, medicines, and the necessary toiletries, before he's returning to the door again. already he's beginning to feel his skin flush with heat. it'll be another few hours before it's unbearable again, but the itch is certainly there. he looks distracted. fidgety. ]
All right.. let's go.
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