sempiternals | Hang up all my fragile thoughts

[ Once again, Kaveh is quiet for a moment, considering the offer that Alhaitham makes. On one hand, he wants to talk about it. For someone who is usually so careful to hide his anxieties and his feelings, there's a strange urge to tell the other everything, to admit to all the pains and frustrations he's felt his whole life, the guilt and trauma that followed his father's death and the way it holds onto him even now.

But right now he's barely holding on to his sanity. Right now he feels as if one wrong word will bring the world crashing down around him all over again.

So he shakes his head, a thumb stroking his stray tears off Sasa's face. ]

Not right now. If I talk now, I.. I think I'll break down again. But... maybe another time?

[Noticing Kaveh's reluctance to delve deeper into his emotions at this moment, Alhaitham nods in understanding, accepting his decision quietly. He shifts closer, his movements deliberate and gentle, to provide comfort without further overwhelming Kaveh. Slowly, he eases onto the couch beside him, the cushions dipping slightly under his weight.

He then turns to Kaveh, offering a silent invitation through his open demeanor and soft eyes. Reaching out, he gently guides Kaveh, encouraging him to adjust his position. With careful movements, he helps Kaveh to recline, guiding his head to rest comfortably in his lap. His hands are steady and warm as they smooth back stray locks of hair from Kaveh’s forehead, his touch light but reassuring.]

You don’t have to talk about anything. [Alhaitham's voice is low, meant to soothe. There's a tenderness there, one that he usually keeps well guarded, now given freely to Kaveh in his moment of need.] If you need to rest, we can just stay like this for a while.

[ Kaveh offers Alhaitham a small smile when he sits on the couch, and then— oh.

Of course it would be like this. So many times before someone has offered him comfort, helped him find calm from a moment of stress, only to expect something else of him by way of thanks. Why would this be any different?

(And why does his heart hurt so much when this is exactly what he should have expected?)

His eyes flicker, and his lips part, but the syllables die on his lips— from where he is, he can see that Alhaitham isn't even partially hard— and he wonders for a moment if he's done something wrong, if somehow despite everything the other doesn't want him—

But then the linguist is talking and soothing him, a gentle tenderness in his soothing tone that Kaveh understands is genuine, and his eyes widen even as yet more tears swarm to fill them. He nods, and bites his lip, shifting to get more comfortable on the other's lap. ]

Okay.

[ His voice is a whisper. ]

[Gently, he strokes those strands of gold, watching quietly how they reflect the lights that turn on with the timer—it's sunset, the hue of the lighting in the room is set up to something warm. Alhaitham sighs, and it's a sigh of calm. Peace of mind is something that he considers so precious, and he's happy to share it with Kaveh as well.

After a while, if Kaveh doesn't stir too much and doesn't speak, he picks up a book from the side table and opens it with one hand, reading quietly. Sasa rests close to Kaveh, like a guardian.]

[ He doesn't mean to fall asleep. But Alhaitham's hand is so gentle, stroking through his hair like this, and with the light changing quality to something dimmer and somehow more intimate, it's easy for his tired, aching eyes to droop shut.

When they open again, it's dimmer still, and he blinks as he stirs, turning slightly on the other's lap to look up at him. Sasa is still close, undisturbed during his sleep. ]

Hey... How, uh.. how long was I out?

[Alhaitham glances at his watch—a classic, understated piece that clicks softly with each passing second. He’s aware of the warmth where Kaveh’s head rests against his thigh, a tangible reminder of the trust and vulnerability shared between them in this quiet moment.]

Not long, about an hour. [He responds softly, a small, almost imperceptible smile touching the corners of his mouth as he adds teasingly,] Long enough for you to drool a little on my thigh, though.

[His gaze drops to Kaveh's face, peaceful in sleep just moments ago. The sight tugs unexpectedly at something within Alhaitham—a flutter, a somersault of his heart that he hadn't anticipated. He wonders if he's the only one to find it so comforting and as equally profound.]

...Oh, my god.

[ Kaveh's cheeks turn pink as he sits up abruptly, looking down at the spot where he was resting... and then shooting Alhaitham a wordless Look, one that seems to say "fuck you, I did not".

And then he settles down again, resting his head right in the same spot. ]

An hour isn't too bad. I guess it's still kind of early, huh.

[ For a moment, he even entertains telling Alhaitham more, explaining why exactly he had such a horrific breakdown over something that might otherwise seem so small.

But then his eyes fall on his phone, and he remembers.

Euler. They planned to chat tonight.

Abruptly, he sits up once more, and then moves to stand up. ]

Oh. Oh gods. I have to get ready. I have a date, I haven't even thought about it. Sorry.

[ But he pauses once he's standing, turns back to Alhaitham and leans, pressing a small kiss against one cheek. ]

Thank you, Alhaitham. For Sasa, and.. and for everything.

Anytime, [Alhaitham responds, his voice carrying a gentle warmth as he nods, though his ears flush slightly red from the unexpected but not unpleasant contact.]

Good luck. [Kaveh's mention of a date with Euler, his own alter ego, swirls complexities that Alhaitham chooses not to unravel at the moment. Instead, he focuses on the practicality and necessity of maintaining their separate façades.

He watches Kaveh begin to gather himself, picking up his own phone, tapping through it with feigned absorption. After a brief pause, he stands, subtly stretching.]

I’ll be in my study if you need anything, [he states, offering Kaveh a quiet avenue for further interaction if needed tonight, if anything happened. His tone remains even, betraying none of the inner conflict or the surrealness of encouraging Kaveh to prepare for a 'date' with himself.

He walks towards his study, the soft sound of his steps fading into the distance. As he closes the door behind him, Alhaitham allows himself a moment to reflect on the intricacies of their situation, the emotional depths they've navigated this evening, and the upcoming interaction as Euler. He takes a deep breath, and after a moment, logs on.]

[ It doesn't take him much time to get back to his room. He does, however, take a little longer to log on. Late by a few minutes as he is, he sends Euler a quick text: running late, there in a few before he sits down on his bed and looks at the unpacked clutter of his new room.

It's okay. He's okay.

His eyes travel to the keychain still held in his hand, and he's silent for a moment, considering it, its nickname forming briefly on his lips. Sasa. Alhaitham's words echo in his head, a reminder that he's nearby if Kaveh needs anything. A gentle voice telling him to relax and not following through with what Kaveh thought for sure would be next.

He supposes, he thinks, he really did misjudge him. As frustrating as he can be...

Mm, but right now he has a date. He puts Sasa on his bedside table to affix to his keys after, dips into his bathroom to splash his face and put on his mask. He's nowhere near as dressed up as he'd like, but he doesn't really have time for that either. And so when he sits down in fron of the computer and logs into the chat, he keeps his camera off for a few moments as he types. ]

Sry I'm a little late
I'm gonna put on my camera in a minute
but i just want u 2 kno 1st not 2 worry
I kinda look like a fucking mess
Had a bad day
I'll tell u abt it in voice
but my roommate helped me calm down

[ He sends his message, and chews on his nail for a moment before reaching out to turn on the camera: tired, bloodshot eyes under the mask and casual home shirt and all. ]

Hi, Euler.

[Alhaitham leans back in his chair, his mind turning over the few details he has gleaned about Kaveh’s day. The mention of a difficult revelation involving Kaveh's mother intrigues and concerns him. He knows family dynamics can be profoundly impactful, and he wonders about the nature of their relationship. The timing of the news, delivered at such a late stage, suggests complexities that Alhaitham can only guess at.

Alhaitham's instinct—as a scholar and a deeply analytical individual of course—is to probe, to understand the context and nuances of such a situation. Yet, he recognizes the boundaries that must be respected, especially given their dual identities and the delicate balance they must maintain. He does not want to push Kaveh too hard, especially not when he’s already vulnerable.]

user2.718: Hi, baby. user2.718: You had me worried for a second, but you don't look as bad as you sounded. user2.718: Do you want to talk about it? user2.718: If it's been tough and you'd rather talk another time, that's fine.

[Away from the shared space of their apartment, Alhaitham reflects on their earlier interaction: Kaveh had been too exhausted to dive into any details with Alhaitham directly. Would he open up more to Euler? The digital distance sometimes made confessions easier, and as Euler, Alhaitham had fostered a more nurturing connection that might encourage Kaveh to share more freely.]

user2.718: Or, we can talk about something else to help you unwind. user2.718: Whatever you need.

[ There's something so relieving about seeing the words "hi, baby" appear on his chat window. It fills Kaveh with the sense that everything is okay, or at the very least that it will be. He doesn't realize it yet, but it's the same feeling he gets from the small lion keychain that sits on his bedside table right now. The curve of a smile on his lips happens automatically, and he relaxes into his chair.

It helps, of course, that Euler says he doesn't look as bad as he sounded. The idea of being anything less than perfectly put together for the other isn't ideal in his mind, after all.

His relaxation furthers as Euler continues, invites him to share if he wants but also reminds him he doesn't have to if he doesn't feel he can. It's the same kindness Alhaitham showed him, the same kindness they've both offered him for a long time now, and Kaveh's heart skips in his chest.

He's still tired, but with the hour or so nap stolen at the other's expense, he feels he can at least talk about it a little more now. ]

It's a long story. So if there's too much information, or.. or if there's something you don't understand, feel free to stop me.

[ And with that said, he starts the story, his eyes cast slightly away from the camera as he talks. He tells Euler of his dad's death after losing a near-victory in a long-running contest— a contest he only entered for his son's benefit, because he thought the prize was pretty. The guilt that has followed Pharos throughout his life. The way his mom's shine disappeared and stayed gone until she met her now-husband and moved all the way to Fontaine. How Pharos's response to the loss of both parents was to throw himself into his work in a way he never had, until an accident on a site led to him taking on debt in order to fix it. And then to now, to the text he received today, on its own another reminder of the fact that his mother has left him behind— and is now replacing him entirely with her new family.

When he finishes, he falls silent, tears in his eyes as his gaze stays downcast. ]

[As Kaveh narrates his story, Alhaitham listens intently, each detail adding weight to the burden that he did not know Kaveh was carrying. That no one would—the bright and beautiful architect, passionate and lighting every lecture hall, and the tantalizing, fun streamer. The layers of loss and guilt that Kaveh describes somehow resonate deeply with him, and he finds himself moved by the raw honesty of the narrative. The tale of relentless pressure paints a picture of a life shaped by tragedy and resilience. The mention of a recent message from Kaveh's mother only intensifies the sense of abandonment and displacement Kaveh must feel. Alhaitham feels a deep stir within him, a response that transcends their digital interaction. The words he types feel hollow.

(He truly is like a lion.)]

user2.718: I’m sorry you’ve had to carry all this...

[He starts to type a message of comfort, his fingers poised over the keys, crafting words meant to soothe. “I—” he begins, but suddenly, something shifts within him. A wave of something so strong it disrupts his usual calm demeanor. It’s unlike him to act on impulse, his actions typically calculated and reserved, especially in his professional and dual identity capacities. Yet, that story, it all feels so ridiculously superficial.

user2.718: is typing...

The message hangs incomplete, an ellipsis blinking cursorily on the screen as Alhaitham stands abruptly.

He walks the short distance to Kaveh’s room, his heart pounding. He pauses at Kaveh’s door, his hand raised to knock, each knock deliberate. When Kaveh opens the door, Alhaitham doesn’t hesitate. He steps forward, pulling Kaveh into a firm, enveloping hug, an unspoken permission to break down or simply be held. The decision to physically go to Kaveh is irrational by his standards. The decision to act without asking Kaveh for permission is not something he usually accepts. But he'll deal with the implications and consequences of his actions later.]

I’m sorry. Just let me be a bit selfish for a moment.

[His voice is a whisper, barely audible over the thumping of his own heart. This physical reassurance is something Alhaitham never thought he would offer so openly, breaking many unspoken rules he set for himself about maintaining boundaries, especially given their complex web of interactions as colleagues, housemates, and hidden identities. And yet, all those constraints seem trivial compared to the need to support Kaveh—Pharos—in whatever way he can.]

[ I'm sorry, Euler says, and Kaveh shakes his head. He has no reason to apologize, and the blonde plans to say as much, but he notices the other is still typing, and so he waits.

And waits.

He's just starting to wonder if he's said something wrong when suddenly there's a knock on his door, and Kaveh startles, looking up. ]

Euler, I'm sorry. Would you wait just a moment, please? [ His voice is hushed. ] My roommate is knocking. He knows I'm busy right now, so I can only assume it's important...

[ And he toggles off his mic and camera, standing and hurrying across the room as a slight frown forms on his face. He's not about to yell at Alhaitham when the other has been so kind to him tonight, but he did tell him he had a date, didn't he? So either it is something genuinely important, or he's being unspeakably rude—

He opens the door, his lips parting in a question. ]

What is it? I told you, I—

[ Just like that, he's pulled into a tight embrace, Alhaitham's arms circling him and holding him close. The words die on Kaveh's lips as for a single moment he just stands there in shock, unsure of what to do or say, even as the other apologizes. Why would he— why now? The wildest, wondering thought crosses Kaveh's mind, and his lips form around a single syllable, the beginning of a name, a motion once again dashed into silence as Alhaitham continues talking, asks Kaveh to let him be selfish for a moment.

No, it's not that. Of course it's not. It was a silly thought in the first place, no matter how briefly it was entertained. It's obviously something much simpler, much...

Mm. Of course. The first time they stood together in this house, Alhaitham admitted to having feelings for Kaveh, didn't he? And just now, after so much kindness on the other's part, the blonde went and stated so thoughtlessly that he had a date, and...

Kaveh's hands lift, winding around Alhaitham's waist, and he leans quietly into the other's hold. ]

It's okay, Alhaitham. [ His own voice comes on a whisper too. ] We can stay like this for as long as you need to.

[As he embraces Kaveh, Alhaitham's senses sharpen to every little detail—the subtle stiffening of Kaveh's body, the hesitance before he returns the embrace. When Kaveh starts to form a syllable, the sound aligns so closely to his online handle that Alhaitham's heart skips. A rush of fear surges through him, the dreadful possibility that he's revealed too much, that he's inadvertently exposed their dual lives. His breath hitches, waiting for the rest of the word to drop, a word that could unravel everything.

But then, the moment passes, and Kaveh simply wraps his arms around him, accepting the embrace. Alhaitham lets out a quiet sigh, relief mingling with the residual tension from the scare. The physical connection, the warmth from Kaveh's body grounds him, and for a brief moment, he allows himself to just feel, to just be there with Kaveh, not as Euler, not as a linguistics professor, but simply as a person who cares.

'It’s okay, Alhaitham.'

The words, whispered so gently by Kaveh, encourage Alhaitham to hold the embrace a moment longer. And he tsks, feeling that he's the one being comforted right now. Still, he tightens his arms slightly.

After a minute, Alhaitham slowly pulls back, looking into Kaveh's eyes with a softness rarely shown. His voice is low, filled with genuine regret for the potential intrusion on Kaveh's evening.]

I’m sorry for interrupting your time. I’ll be in my room if you need anything. Have a good rest of your night.

[He gives a final, reassuring squeeze of Kaveh's shoulders before turning to leave, his footsteps silent as he retreats to his own space, his mind still turning over the near slip and the implications it could have had.

Back in his room, Alhaitham closes the door gently behind him. He sits back down at his computer, the blinking cursor of the chat still open where he left it. Taking a deep breath to settle the whirlwind of emotions, he resumes typing as user2.718, his words careful, aimed at offering continuity and a semblance of normalcy.]

user2.718: That's alright, no worries. user2.718: I can only imagine the weight on you today. user2.718: Are you okay alone? user2.718: I wish I could be there for you.

[ He hears the tsk on the other's breath, but he doesn't comment on it or ask questions. Instead, he simply lets Alhaitham hold him, holds him back, his head resting on his chest and his breath even and steady. He doesn't move or try to move until the other pulls back with another soft apology, and even then all he can do is shake his head, watch in silence as he pulls back and pads silently down the hallway back to his own room.

And it's perhaps a good thing for Alhaitham that Kaveh doesn't move back right away. His suspicion, while faded as quickly as it appeared, would likely come rushing right back if he got back to find that the other hadn't typed at all in his absence. But as it is, by the time he moves back to his computer and sits down, turns the camera and microphone back on, Euler's words are already showing on the screen.

It's a little hard for Kaveh to get the confused frown off his face, but he manages a small smile instead as he settles back on his chair. ]

Sorry. My roommate.. [ Gods, how to even explain what just happened. And yet, he feels he needs to. ]

I told you before that he has a crush on me. I told him I had a date, and I guess.. I'm not sure. He came to my door just now and hugged me. But I didn't wanna just turn him away. He.. he was really kind before, Euler. He steadied me, and he talked me out of my panic attack. You were right, I was really wrong about him.

[ His smile is soft, almost apologetic. ]

If I could have you here, I would in a heartbeat. But I wasn't alone, either. [ A pause, as he bites his lower lip. ] Is that... okay?

[As Kaveh returns to their chat and begins to explain the interruption, Alhaitham listens with a mix of relief and continued concern. The mention of his real-life self’s actions prompts a brief, involuntary pause. He's touched by Kaveh’s openness and his ability to see the good in someone he previously had misgivings about. Alhaitham types back, ensuring his responses reflect understanding and support.]

user2.718: Of course, it’s okay. I’m glad he was there for you when you needed someone. user2.718: At least, as long as you didn't feel obligated to indulge him. user2.718: Feelings aside, if he really wants to support you, it shouldn't be something transactional.

[Alhaitham's fingers pause over the keyboard for a moment, contemplating how to navigate the complexities of their situation without revealing too much. He wants to comfort Kaveh, to bridge the distance between them, yet he must maintain the integrity of both his identities.]

user2.718: And thank you for telling me about it. I’m here now, so let’s talk or do whatever helps you feel better.

[He sends the message, his heart aching slightly at the thought of being so near yet so far from truly being there with Kaveh. Once a comfortable buffer, the digital space between them now feels like a chasm he wishes he could close.]

[ Kaveh is quick to shake his head when Euler mentions transactions. ]

I'll be honest... for a moment I thought it was gonna be. Not now, but earlier. It always has been, with guys in the past. But he... he, um. He surpassed my expectations. I'm glad you convinced me to give him another chance.

[ He smiles, a soft, tired expression, and tilts his head as he looks into the camera. ]

Talking sounds good. I've missed you. I still miss you. I'm sorry I've been so busy with moving— it was important for me to do, obviously, but I haven't enjoyed not being able to see you so much. And— [ He pulls back slightly, letting the camera get a view of the mess that is his room, ] —I've still got all this to deal with!

[ He pauses then, and considers with a tilt of his head. ]

Can we just chat while I do some more unpacking, maybe? Something so mundane is boring, so having your company will be nice while I do it. If that's okay?

[The fact that Kaveh had harbored doubts about his intentions weighs heavily on Alhaitham, revealing the depth of Kaveh's past experiences with conditional relationships. He's glad to have defied those expectations, showing a side of himself that genuinely cares without seeking anything in return.]

user2.718: I'm glad he was there in a way that felt supportive. user2.718: It's important to me that you feel safe and respected, especially during tough times.

[As Kaveh suggests chatting while he unpacks, Alhaitham finds himself agreeing without hesitation. It sounds like fun, close, even in such a mundane activity.]

user2.718: It sounds perfect. Would you like to turn on the text-to-speech? Or would you prefer voice chat? user2.718: I’d like to see you tidying up if that’s okay. user2.718: It feels more like I’m there with you.

[ Kaveh barely has to consider the offer made. He's quick to offer the camera a quick, stunning smile, joyful despite the bloodshot of his eyes and the tired of his expression. ]

We should do voice chat, of course. If you're feeling up to it. The robotic text-to-speech voice has nothing on yours.

[ It's a silly statement, and he giggles after he says it, well aware of how it sounded. (Though, to be fair, Euler saying he wants to be with him while he unpacks is kind of silly too, even if Kaveh feels the same way.)

He waits for the other to turn his own voice on, and then he looks around at the boxes, considering. ]

What should I do first? [ A glance back at the camera as he offers a playful wink. ] I haven't unpacked my toys yet..

[He types a quick response, his fingers tapping with an ease that belies his amusement at Kaveh's playful suggestion.]

user2.718: You flatter me.

[After sending the message, Alhaitham switches to voice chat, turning on the mic of his headphones, testing the connection to ensure clarity.]

Can you hear me okay?

[His voice comes through clear and warm, but low, as if he doesn't want to be very loud. There's a slight chuckle following his words as he picks up on the playful tone set by Kaveh.]

Maybe save the toys for later. I wouldn't want us getting too distracted right now.

[He waits for a moment to ensure Kaveh can hear him properly before continuing, his tone still light but clearly focused on helping Kaveh feel comfortable and at ease.]

What do those boxes at the corner have?

I can hear you just fine.

[ Once again, the sound of that voice is soothing to his ears. He offers a quick smile to the camera, something pleased and content. If it weren't for the fact that he only just mentally moved on from the concept of Alhaitham and Euler being the same person, he might have taken pause at the similarities of their voices. But for now he says and notices nothing.

And as for the comment about their getting distracted... Kaveh can't help but laugh at that, a soft, amused sound that forms as easily on his lips as had he never been so upset just a short while earlier. But he nods, and moves over to the corner so that he can bring those boxes over nearer to the camera. He puts them down and then sits in his chair again, reaching for scissors to cut the tape open. ]

This one just has clothes. But this one...

[ He pauses, and his cheeks turn a pretty pink. ]

I'm about to tell you something about me, Euler. But you can't tell anyone. Okay???

[Alhaitham listens attentively, his curiosity piqued by the hint of secrecy in Kaveh's tone. The faint flush on Kaveh's cheeks on the screen adds a layer of intimacy to their conversation. What could a sexy streamer be suddenly embarrassed about?]

Your secrets are safe with me.

[Aiming for his voice to be reassuring, a gentle nudge for Kaveh to continue. He is so curious.]

[ The reassuring tone in Euler's voice is noted, and Kaveh takes a soft breath before he cuts the tape and opens the box, carefully starting to move its contents from within to the desk and the nearby shelf so that he can sort them better. ]

I um. I dunno if I've told you this before, but I'm kind of an artist. So I really like anything that's artistic or aesthetic. So there's.. um, there's some video games I really like. Animations, too. If it's pretty, I wanna watch it or play it. And sometimes I like it enough that I buy... stuff. Statues, or posters. Things like that. This box has that kind of stuff.

[ And without another word, he lifts a statuette from the box, a figure from one of the games he's played. ]

[As Kaveh reveals his artistic inclinations and shows off a statuette from his collection, Alhaitham's perspective shifts subtly. This new layer to Kaveh's persona—a blend of professional rigor and personal passion for the arts and aesthetics, a new perspective into Kaveh's hobbies, typically unseen in the austere halls of academia or the performative space of streaming, paints him in a more multifaceted light.]

Oh? It's great to see you have such a passion for the arts and aesthetics. It explains why you care about what you wear, too.

[Alhaitham’s response is genuine, his voice conveying a warmth that invites Kaveh to share more. He recognizes the vulnerability in sharing personal hobbies that might not align with public perception, and he feels heightened respect for Kaveh’s openness.]

It's incredibly detailed. Which game is it from?

[ When Euler answers not with laughter or teasing, but warmth and genuine curiosity, Kaveh's smile broadens. He wasn't expecting such a kind reaction— as nice as Euler is, as much as he likes him, he wouldn't have blamed him for a gentle tease, especially with how much of an effort Kaveh has gone to him his interests.

(Even now, the shelf where these will be displayed is set up at a point behind his desk, where the camera won't be able to see.) ]

It's called... Lowlight Spirits. It's an action RPG, famous for being really difficult. [ He realizes it sounds like he's bragging— and he laughs, shakes his head. ] I'm terrible at it, I always have to get co-op players to help me... but the environments are stunning, and the stories for the characters are moving in ways you wouldn't expect. There's this one city that's full of light, and one time I pressed the wrong button and accidentally attacked the guardian, and then everything plunged into darkness. It was so haunting. And I felt really guilty, even though it's just a game...

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject