sempiternals | Hang up all my fragile thoughts

Kaveh…

[He reaches for him again. This time, he does let his hand linger on his nape, thumb rubbing into the scalp in what he hopes is soothing. Nothing about the action makes sense except that Kaveh seems to relish more on being grounded by touch.] I know.

[He does know. He knows more than Kaveh thinks, but somehow he can't really say that. A lot of it could become more complicated if he approached it.] And it's alright. You didn't use me, and I don't want to be a deterrent to your relationship, I'm happy just supporting you in whatever way you'd like.

[ And once again, Kaveh can't help himself. His eyes close, his head tilts into Alhaitham's touch; there's a soft sigh on his lips that he can't stop, something lingering and content as he rests against the other.

It makes no sense, he thinks, that the other man can have feelings for him but encourage the relationship Kaveh has already started to form. That he's okay with Kaveh kissing him, making out with him, falling apart under his touch and his movement all the while insisting that it means nothing.

(But does it?
Fuck, he wants to cry.)

Before he can stop himself, Kaveh leans forward, presses a soft kiss to the corner of Alhaitham's mouth. ]

I feel like I should have something to say, but I.. I guess I don't know what.

[Oh.

Of all reactions, he's not expecting that. It marvels him, how Kaveh melts under his touch, softens and surrenders and leans in—

And then presses the cutest of kisses.

Alhaitham sighs, drops his hand. But only to curl his arms around Kaveh's shoulders and bring him close to a hug.]

Then don't. That's alright, too.

Okay. [ He leans in, curling himself into the other and tucking his head onto his shoulder, breathing in softly as he nods. ] Okay, I won't.

[ And yet, even as he says it, he feels like he's still not saying enough. Like there's something else that is stretching between them, waiting for more to come to the light...

A breath, and he presses in closer. ]

I..

He said it was okay, you know. What happened with you and me. We're... we're gonna talk about it but.. I guess he didn't mind.

[Knowing that this situation is temporary only makes Alhaitham wish for a resolution, but at the same time, Kaveh feels nice and warm against him, the proximity of them the most comforting thing since he fell into his own bed.

He hums, tilting his head again, but this time making it so he can rest his temple against Kaveh's.] Does it bother you?

[ In response to Alhaitham's question, Kaveh finds a frown forming on his face.

It does bother him.

Maybe he has no right to feel like that, especially when he's the one going around making out with other people, but... ]

I guess I don't really understand his feelings. He's pretty private. I know he likes me, but... [ He shrugs a little, helpless. ] When I like someone, I don't want them to be with anyone else. Maybe it's just me being selfish, but..

You expected him to be upset about it.

[Gently, he strokes his hair, thinking about how else he could have replied to Kaveh as Euler. But then again, he couldn't really be upset or pretend to be. Not when Kaveh was thinking that he technically cheated on him with himself. Not when Kaveh was a streamer, who exposed his own vulnerabilities for others and money. And yet, Alhaitham knows that Kaveh is valid to want some sort of exclusivity.] Maybe affection doesn't necessarily mean ownership for him.

[He clears his throat, explaining.] I mean, I've read about how truly liking someone means to like them with their idiosyncrasies, not despite them. [He pulls back to peer back at Kaveh.] He seems willing to listen, maybe give him that expectation.

You..

[ Kaveh stares at Alhaitham in wordless silence for a moment before he looks away again, that frown still gracing his features. Everything the other man says makes sense, and yet he can't help but feel that something about it is strange, that there's something he's missing. Even as Alhaitham says all of this.. ]

Are you able to see that in him because you're the same? [ he asks after a moment, unknowingly saying something liable to give the other man a moment of brief panic before he continues. ] It seems like it... I mean, you're supporting me, you're encouraging me to go for him, and yet you say you like me too, so.. I guess that's kind of the same thing. Right?

[ Because he did. He did expect Euler to be upset. He expected Alhaitham to be upset. Neither of them seems particularly bothered by the fact that they're not the only one in Kaveh's sights. ]

[His eyebrows arch.

Very clever. Strikingly clever, even. But this was part of why Alhaitham was finding himself drawn to Kaveh in the first place. He knows that perhaps his desire for a quick resolution will eventually happen, if Kaveh remains like this.

And that, somehow, makes it more exciting. He only hopes it doesn't light up a bridge between them enough to become a fire.]

You're wrong. [Bluntly said. And yet, Alhaitham's eyes narrow with fondness. The hand on Kaveh's hair drops to the small of his back, splayed wide. Firm.] If we go by what I want, and what I want alone, I wouldn't let you leave this building today.

[His thumb still swipes across the thin fabric of Kaveh's shirt.] But I know it's not just what I want that matters. I'm happy with a compromise.

[ You're wrong, Alhaitham says, and a hand drops to the small of his back and presses firm against him, and Kaveh's eyes widen.

Oh.

He's not sure why, but the blunt tone of the other's voice sends tingles down his spine. The idea that if Alhaitham were to have his way, Kaveh wouldn't leave the building at all. The understanding that he...

Fuck, what's wrong with him? Is he really that selfish? That needy for attention? It's almost embarrassing, and yet even as he stands here, wrapped up in the other, only one thing comes to mind, words that rise to his lips before he can stop himself: ]

Let me— let me talk to him about it. To Euler. If he.. if he's serious, and he really doesn't mind, I... I don't see why you couldn't keep me to yourself tomorrow instead.

[ Archons, wasn't it just weeks ago that he thought he hated this man? What has happened to him? ]

[This man will be the death of him. Alhaitham's hand, the other still braced back against the counter, holding himself back with a vice grip, slides up the length of the architect's spine, feeling each bump and dent along the middle of his back with his fingers. He drops his head, resting his forehead against Kaveh's. And sighs, a deep breath that flutters the veil of restraint in his body, even if he stares at Kaveh's lips intently and he needs to swallow hard.] I'm looking forward to it.

[ It's yet another thing Kaveh isn't sure about, the need to hold back a soft sound at the sensation of fingers dragging against his spine. A shudder of delight passes through it in response to the other's sound, though, the deep breath against his lips even as those coppery emerald eyes settle on them, the outright statement of his anticipation. It makes Kaveh want to kiss him, to give in to everything Alhaitham told him he wants—

But he has his date, and he wants so desperately to see Euler; he's missed him all this time, he's been waiting...

It's all Kaveh can do to summon up one strong breath and take a step back, withdrawing slightly no matter how much he finds he wants to stay. ]

I'll.. [ Deep breaths. ] I'll tell you what he and I discuss. Okay?

[How interesting, that he finds himself smiling even if Kaveh steps away, even if he can witness the foolishness of holding back in the line of his shoulders, in the heave of his breath. Alhaitham reaches out again, but this time to stroke his cheek, and down his neck, to squeeze his shoulder. He nods.]

Alright. I'll be waiting.

[Some hours later, he finds himself with dark hair dye in his hair and wiping the remains of it that seem to seep onto his scalp for no reason. He's frowning as he rubs his hairline with a towel. It seems to do the job relatively well, even if the towel needs to go to the wash right away.

He leans over his sink, contemplating, eyes fixed on the mirror but not the reflection it casts. He's a bit concerned about the complications of their situation. He thought that, his own feelings aside, Kaveh wouldn't show much interest in Alhaitham as Alhaitham. Surely, some attraction was present between them—it's why it became messy in the first place—but Alhaitham had expected the architect to shun him in that regard.

Well, he'll figure things out one step at a time.

All that introspection has him knock on the door of the club's room, one he reserved in advance to ensure they have everything they need. Fortunately he could explain that they were working on their contracts, and they provided everything - a small desk table, two chairs, pens and extra papers, a guidebook that they could consult.

Not that he looks straight at it, he's too fixated on how Kaveh—Pharos—looks.]

Hi, [he sighs with a smile.]

[ The day goes by in a strange mix of anticipation and trepidation. The whole time, Kaveh is so, so eager to see Euler— and yet he's nervous too, worried about what the other might think about what's happening with Alhaitham, or that their contracts won't match up well, or that something else will go wrong and ruin the night before it can even really begin. And so when he arrives at the private room Euler booked in advance for them, he finds himself pacing instead of sitting at the desk table, moving back and forth across the floor as he chews on his glossed lower lip and tries to calm down.

And then there's a knock on the door and he's not alone anymore, and Kaveh's stomach does a series of flips that he's sure could win first place in a tournament. He moves to answer the door, mask affixed carefully to his face, a sheer, glittery black shirt barely providing any modesty and form-fitting black trousers practically clinging to his legs. His hair is his natural blonde, down around his face. His eyes are purple. ]

Hi.

[ His voice is a whisper as he steps aside to allow the other to come in. Part of him wants to close the distance, to move between them and wrap his arms around Euler— but anxiety has him wait, has him smiling and watching and waiting to see how the other will react to someone who just last night made out with someone else entirely. ]

You look really good. And, um. They... they set up a table and chairs for us. I guess so we can go over the contracts.

[Like a skittish wild animal that doesn't know if the forest's visitor will do him harm, Kaveh's shoulders are hunched under the glimmer of his see-through shirt, his lower lip reddish, the gloss almost gone.

Alhaitham reaches for him, gently guiding his wrists closer by circling his fingers around them, stepping in, closing that distance, just enough to keep Kaveh in place before he leans in and kisses him sweetly.]

I see, [he says, eyes still fixated onto Pharos, warm, tender, before he kisses him again.] Hi, baby.

[ For a singular moment, Kaveh isn't entirely sure how Euler will react to him.

And yet he seems totally himself. The reach, the circled fingers around his wrists, holding him closer before he kisses him, making Kaveh's breath catch. The taste, the sensation— it's all familiar ~~in more ways than one~~. He reels, leaning into him, all but swooning into his arms. ]

Hi, Mister E. [ Another whisper. ] I missed you. I'm.. I'm really glad you're here.

[ I was worried, he wants to say, but he doesn't, instead just leaning up to kiss him once more. ]

[There's something to kissing Pharos as Euler, as though there's nothing holding them back, as though it's familiar, and yet free. Alhaitham's hands skim over Kaveh's sides, feeling the fabric of the shirt as he tilts his head, deepens the kiss just an increment to get a better taste of the gloss.]

Hm, [he hums, bringing his hands to Kaveh's cheeks and setting him in place as though kissing him felt like an indulgence (it is). He smiles, taunting Pharos' lips apart, nipping them gently, suckling on his tongue.] I missed you, too. I dreamed of this.

Mnn.

[ Kaveh's hum in reply is one of sweet content, the parting of his lips all too willing and a tremble in his spine. Euler's words bring a hint of alarm though, and he's quick to free one wrist from the other, doing his best to turn the tables and to catch the other man's wrist in his hand instead. ]

But no tickling.

[ A pause, because even as Kaveh says it he's confident he won't get what he wants on that front. He sighs, tilting his head to give Euler more freedom, to step forward so he can slide a leg around behind the other, drawing them closer together. ]

At least not until we've talked about everything.

Aw, [he taunts, though he chuckles, opting to wrap his arms around Pharos instead, to hold him close, not even leaving enough space to speak without brushing their lips together.] But you were laughing so cutely.

[Another soft, deep kiss, and Alhaitham takes a deep breath. Reaches to stroke that lovely hair of his. He has a penchant for it, it seems, as well as for his hands. He thinks it shows but he doesn't care.] Do you want to do that now?

[ His cheeks color in response to the statement that he was laughing cutely— and he would protest, but Euler is moving them on, drawing him into another kiss, grounding him even as he stirs the butterflies in Kaveh's stomach all over again. He finds a soft whimper on his lips despite himself, and if it weren't for the fact that he does want to talk, he'd probably grab the other man and drag him over to the bed.

Instead, he nods— and then hesitates. ]

Could.. could we talk about my roommate first, please? And then.. then the contracts?

[Euler nods, presses a kiss to Pharos' temple, and proceeds to lead them to the bed regardless. While kissing Kaveh to no end feels like a great agenda for their meeting, Alhaitham knows better than to leave those subjects linger in the back of the blonde's mind.]

Very well, allow me one thing, then, [he says before he guides him so they get to sit up on the side of the bed, Euler kneeling in front of him to remove his shoes for him, and then removing his own before he maneuvers them both so they can talk sitting against the headboard and close together.] This good?

[ Kaveh gasps as the other all but sweeps him into the bed, kneeling to take his shoes off in a way that feels as if he's been turned into some kind of royal. Despite his complicated feelings, he enjoys the way he's treated, drawn against him, and for a moment he just allows himself to bask in it, curling up against him as they relax against the headboard. ]

It is, yeah.

[ He could get used to this, he thinks. But he doesn't say that; instead he just nestles in close, thinking over it quietly for a moment or two as he breathes out. ]

I.. I think I have feelings for my roommate.

[ The words come out in a rush, and he closes his eyes, not wanting to look Euler in the face right now. ]

It's.. it's not that I... I'm still.. I don't know how to explain it. I still wanna be with you. I want you to be my first. I miss you when I can't see you and when I get to talk to you I can't stop smiling. But I also... When he looks at me it does something to me. And I.. I know we said we weren't gonna be exclusive, but—

[ Another breath, Kaveh struggling with the words now, feeling tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. ]

It still doesn't feel fair to you that I can't just. Commit. When I know how jealous and upset I'd be if there were someone else you wanted to be with.

[Well.

None of this is new to Alhaitham, yet he frowns, reassuring Kaveh that he's listening intently. Because he truly is. How can he not be, when what he tells him is basically a confession?

Warmth blooms in his chest, and he nuzzles Kaveh's hair as he explains, breathing him in, the scent of his shampoo, the soft warmth from his skin. Alhaitham isn't sure how this came to be, but he doesn't feel like diving too deep into the origins and the hows.

Not when Alhaitham feels the same, anyway. As Euler, as Alhaitham himself. Kaveh is quickly coiling into the depths of his psyche, and he allows for it, craves it.] Baby… [he whispers, cuddles close, hooking a foot to tangle between his own, soothing a knuckle across a lashline.] It's alright. Thank you for sharing this with me.

Well, wouldn't fairness involve both of us getting what we want? [He tips his head, presses a kiss onto his temple.] What if I want you not to feel constricted?

Then you're a better person than I am.

[ Not that he didn't already know that. Euler is someone special, someone who treats him than so much more than what he deserves. Where Kaveh would go to pieces if their positions were reversed, he just...

He bites his lower lip, chews at his gloss some more. Alhaitham told him he should ask about it, though, didn't he? So he takes a breath, pulls back just enough that he can finally look up at the other even as Euler moves to curl them in more closely to one another. ]

...Doesn't it bother you? I know you want me not to feel constricted, but— [ He bites his lip, asks it again: ] Doesn't it bother you, Euler? If I'm with someone else too?

[ It's a horrible thing to feel, but part of Kaveh wants the answer to be "yes". For Euler to want more from him just like Alhaitham does. Because that will mean that he really wants him, right? ]

[With a shake of his head, he chuckles.] This doesn't make a person bad or good.

[He begins to say, but Kaveh's questions don't truly sound like questions, but an imploration of some kind. 'You expected him to be upset about it,' they had discussed. The shiver of delight in the architect's body the moment Alhaitham pressed a little closer and claimed to want a little bit of Kaveh for himself.]

I didn't think I should be. [He presses another kiss to the crown of his head, tips Pharos' chin up so he can peck his nose, his lips, his cheek.] We've met through a very public channel, after all. If we're talking about fairness, it wouldn't be fair of me to want to change you.

[Absently, he tugs Kaveh's leg so it drapes across, almost hooked around his waist, and he strokes from knee to hip, then down again.] Besides, you said it yourself. You want me to be your first, you do all these special streams with just me, you meet with me here, and when you don't you miss me. You told me you were mine right here in this room. That's what I want.

[His hand stops at the curve of Pharos' upper thigh, his fingers squeezing.] But it seems you want me to act upset.

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