sempiternals | Hang up all my fragile thoughts

[ The message comes sooner than he would have expected. He looks at the clock, blinking at the time, and then back at his phone, finding a relieved sigh on his lips. Despite everything, Euler is okay. They're okay. He's lucky—

And perhaps it's the giddiness of relief that overtakes him for a moment, has him shoot off a text before he even stops to think about what he's saying: ]

Euler, it's so early
why r u awake?

[ As if he's not the one who started the conversation. He calms in the next moment, takes a breath, sends another message with his actual thoughts, not giddy flirting. ]

Anyway, yeah.
this evening sounds good, Im free
but u paid last time, do u want me to? I don't mind
and... thx. I'd like to talk abt it more.

[ A pause, as his teeth rake over his lower lip, worry in his face. ]

I cant wait 2 see u.

[ He sits down after that, spends a solid 30 minutes finishing off the contract he and Euler talked about. And then, as if to shake off the anxiety, he stands, takes another shower, and only then emerges into the kitchen to (quietly) make himself some tea. He's craving the bitter taste of a cigarette, but it's neither the time nor the place for that. At some point, when Alhaitham wakes up, he's going to have to face him too.. and he has no idea what he's going to say. ]

Why are you?

[He snorts, rubbing at his eye again, still sleepy.]

I dreamt of you.

[Not a lie. And hopefully somewhat soothing. Maybe it eases up the idea of a conversation over Kaveh's 'roommate issues', but also the idea of Alhaitham insisting on paying for everything.]

It's fine, I got it. I miss you too.

Went to bed early, woke up early. I kinda fell asleep w/o meaning to.. guess i was tired.
but.. you did??
will you tell me abt it?

[ "I got it", Euler says, and Kaveh doesn't protest— for now. Maybe he can make an argument out of it later, though. ]

You've been working really hard. Did you sleep well, despite everything?

[He's concerned. Mostly, because he rarely sleeps badly, and he already knows it's going to destroy his whole routine. He feels like crawling into the covers of his bed, turning the AC on into sleep mode, and calling it a day already.]

I did. You were laughing. You sounded happy.

Mm, I did.
Usually I don't, so.. it was nice.

[ The kettle boils. Kaveh fills his mug, adds a squirt of honey, and then takes a seat at the kitchen counter, warming his hands around the surface without touching it. ]

I like the sound of your dream.
I'm always happy when I'm with you, so it makes sense that I was laughing.

That’s good. I’m glad to hear it.

[He spends some time listening to the comings and goings within the house. Finds it foreign, and yet not unwelcome. Alhaitham hasn’t lived with a person under the same roof for a long time, and it’s startlingly comfortable. He sighs.]

Well… I was also tickling your legs.

You
Euler, that's so weird.

[ He says that, but there's a silly little smile tugging at the corners of his lips, a soft laugh tumbling over his tongue. He sips at his tea, shaking his head. ]

I'm really really ticklish, so don't you dare, okay?

Is it? We were kissing, too. Does that make it less weird?

[Alhaitham gets up, ponders on yet again another shower. He decides against it, even if he still goes to the bathroom; washing his face with some cold water would help him wake up.]

Do you find it embarrassing to be ticklish?

[ Despite himself, he laughs— and then shushes himself. It's stupidly early still, and he doesn't want to disturb Alhaitham, after all.

(Oh, gods. Alhaitham. What is he going to do—)

Breathe. Focus on the text... ]

It's not so much that it's embarrassing
It's a weak point!
But if we were kissing too, I suppose it's not so bad..

[Through the piping, he hears the laugh. It's clear, and bright. Alhaitham takes a deep breath, his lip twitching, knowing he was the one to cause that.]

I don't think it's a weak point. It's a point of your body that makes you laugh. Isn't laughing a good thing?

[He can calculate that the moment he steps into view for Kaveh, he won't laugh or smile. But they can't avoid each other forever. So he gets out of his bedroom, pads still drowsily to the kitchen.

To find Kaveh propped on the counter, head bowed into his phone, the morning light hitting his side. A small smile on his lips, in his eyes.

The urge to kiss him again surges like a gunshot, to slip between his legs and hold him by the hips. He makes a beeline for the coffeemaker and turns it on.]

'Morning. [He says quietly.]

[ Kaveh smiles at Euler's response, shakes his head slightly as he sips his tea. ]

You're silly [ he types, and it's about as far as he gets before Alhaitham slides into view, moving past him to turn on the coffeemaker, greeting him in a soft voice and— and oh gods, Kaveh realizes, he's wearing nothing but a pair of pyjama pants—

(The blonde can't really stop the way his eyes take a dip down along the other's body, tracking along the strong muscles to where he knows he'd see Alhaitham's Adonis belt if he was turned to face him—)

Kaveh's ears burn red, and his eyes tear back up to the back of the other's head. ]

I. Um. Morning. Did... did you put me to bed last night?

[ Ugh. Possibly the worst thing he could have said or asked... ]

[A moment of silence, granted to the coffee grinder, as he twists and swivels it manually instead of using an electrical one. Alhaitham nods, tilts his head as he measures the amount of coffee to be placed into a French press. He feels like drinking something a bit stronger, today.

Focus.]

I was not going to leave you sleeping on the floor.

[ Archons.

It's not like Kaveh can ever read Alhaitham, he thinks, but now just seems so much worse than normal. After an embarrassed, discomfited moment of silence, he pushes himself off the counter and takes a few steps forward, not drawing too close to the other lest he make him uncomfortable, but close enough that he—

that why? Does he need to be this close? ]

I'm sorry. [ The words are blurted out before he can stop them, emotion making his voice catch. ] I don't... I feel like I took advantage of you, and.. and I'm sorry.

[He has poured the warm water into the container and pressed the filter slowly to allow the coffee to bleed through. Suddenly Kaveh's voice sounds closer.

Alhaitham frowns, turns around to face him.

He feels weak to the knees, he wants to reach out immediately, stroke his hair, stroke his cheek.

Instead, he only shakes his head, puzzled.] You didn't. You don't have to apologize. In fact, I have to be the one to apologize. I told you I would not act on it unless you wanted me to.

[ Oh, no. Being this close to him was a mistake. Even written half with sleep as he is so early in the morning— ah, and why is he up at this hour anyway?— Alhaitham looks good, serious and soft in a way the blonde never could have imagined before they came to know one another that little bit better. Maybe it's just impulses left over from last night, but—

Kaveh takes a sharp breath. ]

You don't have to apologize either. I knew what you wanted to do, and I didn't.. I didn't stop... I even told you it was okay. I don't think that was fair for me to do, considering everything.

[In the end, Alhaitham does reach for Kaveh, but only to gently flick a strand of hair that was swooped onto the wrong side of his usual parting, still messy from the morning—and a shower, as the strand feels damp on his finger.]

You made sure to let me know how you felt beforehand. I may have acted impulsively, but I'm still accountable. [After that, he decides to brace himself back against the counter, before his hands get the better of him again.] Do you regret it?

[ And Kaveh— Kaveh's eyes close against his will, a slight tilt of his head into that touch before it withdraws, and he blinks them open again in mortification, eyes averted from the other's face for a moment or two as he catches himself. ]

No, it's really—

[ He's still caught on the apology when Alhaitham's next question comes, and Kaveh's cheeks flare pink as his lips part on an answer he doesn't know how to say.

No, he wants to say, I don't regret it; actually, I want to kiss you again right now—

But— ]

It's complicated, [ is what he says instead, taking a shallow breath and closing his eyes. ] It's not that I regret it. I don't. But.. I have feelings for that guy I told you about. And I'm seeing him tonight. And..

[ And fuck the whole thing is so confusing...! ]

Kaveh…

[He reaches for him again. This time, he does let his hand linger on his nape, thumb rubbing into the scalp in what he hopes is soothing. Nothing about the action makes sense except that Kaveh seems to relish more on being grounded by touch.] I know.

[He does know. He knows more than Kaveh thinks, but somehow he can't really say that. A lot of it could become more complicated if he approached it.] And it's alright. You didn't use me, and I don't want to be a deterrent to your relationship, I'm happy just supporting you in whatever way you'd like.

[ And once again, Kaveh can't help himself. His eyes close, his head tilts into Alhaitham's touch; there's a soft sigh on his lips that he can't stop, something lingering and content as he rests against the other.

It makes no sense, he thinks, that the other man can have feelings for him but encourage the relationship Kaveh has already started to form. That he's okay with Kaveh kissing him, making out with him, falling apart under his touch and his movement all the while insisting that it means nothing.

(But does it?
Fuck, he wants to cry.)

Before he can stop himself, Kaveh leans forward, presses a soft kiss to the corner of Alhaitham's mouth. ]

I feel like I should have something to say, but I.. I guess I don't know what.

[Oh.

Of all reactions, he's not expecting that. It marvels him, how Kaveh melts under his touch, softens and surrenders and leans in—

And then presses the cutest of kisses.

Alhaitham sighs, drops his hand. But only to curl his arms around Kaveh's shoulders and bring him close to a hug.]

Then don't. That's alright, too.

Okay. [ He leans in, curling himself into the other and tucking his head onto his shoulder, breathing in softly as he nods. ] Okay, I won't.

[ And yet, even as he says it, he feels like he's still not saying enough. Like there's something else that is stretching between them, waiting for more to come to the light...

A breath, and he presses in closer. ]

I..

He said it was okay, you know. What happened with you and me. We're... we're gonna talk about it but.. I guess he didn't mind.

[Knowing that this situation is temporary only makes Alhaitham wish for a resolution, but at the same time, Kaveh feels nice and warm against him, the proximity of them the most comforting thing since he fell into his own bed.

He hums, tilting his head again, but this time making it so he can rest his temple against Kaveh's.] Does it bother you?

[ In response to Alhaitham's question, Kaveh finds a frown forming on his face.

It does bother him.

Maybe he has no right to feel like that, especially when he's the one going around making out with other people, but... ]

I guess I don't really understand his feelings. He's pretty private. I know he likes me, but... [ He shrugs a little, helpless. ] When I like someone, I don't want them to be with anyone else. Maybe it's just me being selfish, but..

You expected him to be upset about it.

[Gently, he strokes his hair, thinking about how else he could have replied to Kaveh as Euler. But then again, he couldn't really be upset or pretend to be. Not when Kaveh was thinking that he technically cheated on him with himself. Not when Kaveh was a streamer, who exposed his own vulnerabilities for others and money. And yet, Alhaitham knows that Kaveh is valid to want some sort of exclusivity.] Maybe affection doesn't necessarily mean ownership for him.

[He clears his throat, explaining.] I mean, I've read about how truly liking someone means to like them with their idiosyncrasies, not despite them. [He pulls back to peer back at Kaveh.] He seems willing to listen, maybe give him that expectation.

You..

[ Kaveh stares at Alhaitham in wordless silence for a moment before he looks away again, that frown still gracing his features. Everything the other man says makes sense, and yet he can't help but feel that something about it is strange, that there's something he's missing. Even as Alhaitham says all of this.. ]

Are you able to see that in him because you're the same? [ he asks after a moment, unknowingly saying something liable to give the other man a moment of brief panic before he continues. ] It seems like it... I mean, you're supporting me, you're encouraging me to go for him, and yet you say you like me too, so.. I guess that's kind of the same thing. Right?

[ Because he did. He did expect Euler to be upset. He expected Alhaitham to be upset. Neither of them seems particularly bothered by the fact that they're not the only one in Kaveh's sights. ]

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