sempiternals | Hang up all my fragile thoughts

[ At some point over the week that follows, Pharos and Euler agree that their next in-person meeting should be after their respective contracts are filled out and finalized. A meeting in person, after all, is the perfect place and time for them to talk about the things they've written, as well as testing some of them out and exploring for the first time.

As far as logistics go, it's a good idea.

The problem, though, is that during that week, and the week that comes after it, both of them are so incredibly busy.

In the name of anonymity, Kaveh doesn't know much about what Euler does for a living, and vice versa. All he knows, then, is that the other is busy with work, just like he is. It's coming up toward the end of a semester, and while on one hand that means that a vacation period is just around the corner, in the meantime it means a lot of grading. He tries not to bring too much work home, but even then, by the time he gets back to the apartment, the last thing he wants to do is more paperwork, even if it's for something exciting and fun. Often, he ends up lying in bed and reading, or watching a movie with Alhaitham, or playing a mindless video game or two. He's done a few streams, both public and private, but he's been trying to keep his time relatively free until classes are done.

He knows it's all for the best, and that he and Euler have all the time in the world... and yet, at the same time, he catches himself feeling miserable about it at the most random of times.

He misses him. He wants to see him—

Tonight, despite the exhaustion working its way over him like a shroud, Kaveh is staring at the contract. He wants it done. The sooner he finishes, the sooner they can see each other.

But the words are blurring together on the page, and after a few minutes he all but slams his chair back, frustration written onto his face.

He needs a glass of wine. Just one; he has work tomorrow. But he just.. needs something. And so, with a tired, pensive look on his face, he emerges from his room and makes for the kitchen. ]

[The semester's relentless pace has taken its toll on Alhaitham as well. His days are a blur of lectures, office hours, and painstaking grading sessions. The demands of his rigorous standards mean his students are often caught in a state of nervous anticipation, analyzing every question for hidden layers that may not even exist. Alhaitham's insistence on precision and depth has unwittingly fostered a climate of overthinking among his students, leading to hallway conversations rife with anxiety and speculation about the simplicity—or potential trickery—of their recent exams.

Despite the exhaustion, Alhaitham’s commitment to fairness and academic integrity prompts him to balance the scales; he rewards both the effort of thorough analysis and the clarity of straightforward answers. It's a delicate balancing act, one that leaves little time for personal pursuits, including the contract review with Pharos that he had been looking forward to. As he sets his last batch of graded papers aside, he decides to take a break, the need for a moment of respite driving him away from his desk.

The apartment is quiet as he steps into the kitchen, the hum of the air conditioner a soft background to his thoughts. He starts preparing a pitcher of cold tea, the refreshing tang of lemon and mint mingling in the air. It’s then he notices Kaveh entering the kitchen, looking visibly frazzled and worn.]

Everything alright? I'm making tea.

[ Tired as he is, it takes Kaveh a moment to realize that he's not alone in the kitchen... but when he sees Alhaitham there, he smiles faintly, offering a nod in response to the other's question. ]

Mm. I love what we do, but sometimes at the end of semester I forget why I love it.

[ He manages a soft laugh, and then pads his way into the kitchen proper, opening up the pantry and considering its bounty for a moment or two before repeating the same with the refrigerator, nodding slightly to himself as he does. ]

Would you make me some tea as well? I'll put together a cheese and fruit platter for us to share. We should probably both take a break anyway.

[ He's heard the talk around the hallways, of course. As he always knew they would be, students are terrified of Alhaitham's grading— and yet, those in his classes also acknowledge his fair and careful grading of mid-term essays. Kaveh can only guess at how much mental effort he puts into it... as such, he needs a break.

Or perhaps that's just his way of rationalizing it so that he doesn't feel as if he's being selfish. Kaveh's schedule, after all, has him feeling horribly lonely of late. He's busy, Euler's busy, Tighnari's busy, Alhaitham's busy, his mom is course is busy... if he can just steal one little moment of time with someone, that would be nice. ]

[Alhaitham's face brightens at the suggestion of a shared break, appreciating Kaveh's initiative to balance the rigors of their academic responsibilities with a moment of leisure. The offer of a cheese and fruit platter sounds particularly appealing, he hadn't realized he felt peckish, and he nods in agreement as he sets about steeping the tea.]

That sounds perfect. I'll make enough tea for both of us.

[As he arranges the tea leaves, Alhaitham ponders their options for a light diversion to accompany their snack. A movie would provide a much-needed distraction from the mental load of their work.]

Do you have time for a movie? Something light and amusing to give our minds a rest?

[ It's probably for the best that Kaveh doesn't spot the expression on Alhaitham's face. As he's gotten to the know the other better over the last couple of weeks, he's sometimes found himself confused by his ability to be simultaneously highly emotive and also emotionless. But he's also come to enjoy spending time with him more than he ever would have anticipated, which leaves him with some room for guilt. After all, he doesn't want to lead the other man on when his own attention is so wholly focused on Euler.

But at the same time, he really does enjoy spending time with him. He hasn't even realized yet how quick he is to call on his now-roommate when Euler isn't around— but it happens a surprising amount.

Which is why he's quick to brighten at the mention of a movie, mind immediately traveling to a few they could watch— although he pauses mid-suggestion, instead finally turning his eyes on the other man. ]

I think that's a good idea. Did you have anything in mind? You always let me pick, so..

[Alhaitham glances towards the living room, where last time they’d settled in for a movie night that had ended quite differently than either had planned. He remembers the whimsical scenes of the animated film they had started but never finished due to their unexpected doze.]

How about we pick up where we left off with that other animated movie? We never did finish, and it seems perfect since it's light-hearted. It might be nice to see the ending this time.

[ Kaveh considers the suggestion and then nods. It's a good plan— given that they fell asleep in the middle of it last time, it would be nice to finish it. Plus, it's light and fun, nothing too heavy for them to worry about.

So he nods, and gestures toward his bedroom door. ]

Did you wanna grab it once the tea is done? I'll need a little longer to finish the platter. It's in the bottom of the bookshelf to the left of my computer.

[ He trusts him enough to go in there and not look around, too. He's not sure why... he just does. ]

[Upon receiving Kaveh's nod and instructions, Alhaitham finishes preparing the tea, allowing the herbal blend to steep just a bit longer to enhance its flavor. With the pot covered, he makes his way to Kaveh’s room to retrieve the movie. Entering the room feels different this time; it’s more personal, lived-in with the small touches that mark Kaveh’s presence—a few books left open, clothes draped casually over a chair, and personal items that give the room a warm, inhabited feel. He notices these details with a sense of quiet curiosity, appreciating the glimpse into Kaveh’s life lately.

Locating the movie on the lower shelf of the bookcase to the left of the computer, Alhaitham picks it up, his fingers brushing against a few other titles that reveal more about Kaveh’s tastes and interests.

Returning to the kitchen with the movie in hand, he waves it slightly towards Kaveh, indicating success.]

Got it. I’ll set this up, then come help you with the tray.

[After ensuring the movie is ready to play in the living room, Alhaitham returns to the kitchen. He pours the freshly brewed tea into a large pitcher, its aroma mingling with the air, and checks if Kaveh needs help with the cheese and fruit platter.

With the tray in hand and the pitcher of tea balanced on it, Alhaitham follows Kaveh to the living room. They set everything down on the coffee table, arranging the snacks within easy reach. Alhaitham takes a moment to ensure everything is comfortably accessible, then settles down on the couch beside Kaveh, the blanket from last time draped over one arm of the sofa, not needed this time.

He pours a glass of tea, handing it over to Kaveh before he takes care of another for himself.]

Ready? [He says with the remote in hand, and presses play upon Kaveh's allowance.]

[ While Alhaitham is gone, fetching the movie, Kaveh goes about continuing to cut both the fruits and the cheese. Before long, he's mostly done, and so when the other comes back and offers his help, he just shakes his head with a quick smile. All that has to be done is to arrange things neatly on the platter for them, something that's easily handled before the two of them head into the living room.

Once everything's ready, Kaveh takes a seat on the sofa next to Alhaitham. No blanket this time but the same comfortable closeness of the last, leg nudging up against the other man's. Truthfully, there is more room on the sofa, but Kaveh enjoys being close like this more than he realizes— neither, though, is he being flirty or making a move. It just feels right to him to sit like this, right in the way that questioning it has never entered his mind.

He accepts the glass from Alhaitham, inhaling the aroma of the tea with a slight smile. It smells zesty and refreshing at the same time— exactly, he thinks, what they need in the face of all the grading they've been doing.

To the question, he nods, and settles back. He's happy to watch in relative, comfortable silence, the quiet broken only by the crunch of crackers or the occasional sound of his voice, mentioning something about the art style or direction that in his opinion improves the movie in some small way. ]

[The movie's premise revolves around themes of identity, bravery, and transformation, concepts that Alhaitham finds himself reflecting on in the context of his own life. As he watches the young protagonist navigate a world both beautiful and bewildering, he can't help but think how they, too, are navigating through unfamiliar territories, learning about each other in a world that often feels surreal.

During a particularly poignant scene where the two main characters reunite and embrace, something unexpected strikes him, and makes him stop mid-sip. The reunion is tender and filled with a sense of mutual understanding and acceptance that he finds himself yearning for. He turns slightly, stealing a glance at Kaveh bathed in the soft glow of the TV screen. The light illuminates the shell of Kaveh's ear, the gentle curve beneath his hairline, and the serene profile of his face as he watches the screen intently.

The scene stirs something akin to admiration and a bittersweet longing. Kaveh is so close, yet a gulf of unspoken truths and concealment shatters that proximity. And, for the first time, it aches]

[ There's a lot about this movie with which Kaveh has always identified, and on this watching he finds it's no exception. While he's never believed himself to be brave in the way that the protagonist is, he connects a lot with the second lead and the struggles that the two of them face together. And of course, as a romantic at heart, he loves this scene the best, enjoys the tenderness shared between the two and the way they seem to fit together perfectly. It's a scene that has always made his heart ache for that kind of love in his own life.

There's something different about it now, though. In the characters he sees the parallels of Euler and himself, how they interact and seek to be with one another despite the difficulties that they may face— instead of the usual ache, there's a sharp pang, a reminder of the loneliness they've been feeling alone during these past two weeks.

He's still thinking about it when the sensation of being watched tickles at the nape of his neck. Kaveh turns his head in time to catch Alhaitham looking at him, and his lips part in momentary surprise.

On that face, in the eyes of someone who usually controls his outward emotions so frighteningly well, is the softest expression Kaveh thinks he's ever seen. He knows what it is— because he feels it too, the same pang of longing for someone he feels that he can't have.

He should say something, should make to move away. But something seizes his heart, something Kaveh doesn't fully understand, and as he looks back at Alhaitham, his own expression is equally soft. ]

[The film's narrative has seeped into the room, blurring the lines between fiction and palpable reality, braiding through each breath between them into single, intricate patterns that spell solitude and loneliness, distance and yearning, into the dart of their eyes and the part of their lips.

Try as he may to draw his gaze away, Alhaitham keeps it there, answering to the siren's call of Kaveh's eyes as he meets him. It's soft, like something he only sees when Kaveh aims at the camera, through his mask. It's warm, like the heat on their thighs pressed together. Lips whisper promises that Alhaitham tries to define, and he wants to unravel by discovering the ancient language that they speak. Promises of solace and screams of the dangers of proximity. His own mouth finds itself untethered in an involuntary mimicry that betrays his composure—he's supposed to not act on his feelings. He promised Kaveh that. The television makes shadows dance across their bodies and faces and Alhaitham wonders if they know their true names—Pharos, Euler. Kaveh, Alhaitham.

The weight of every moment they have circled each other thickens the air he breathes, the weight of his shoulders, of his eyelids, of his head. So he bows, melting gently towards the other like the sway of a sunflower through a summer breeze. Like the sunflower, earnest, always searching for the light and warmth that Kaveh embodies.

With the softest sway forward, a mere tilt in the vast choreography of the cosmos, Alhaitham lessens the gap that propriety and circumstance have mandated. His mind, a palace of logic and rhetoric, now rebels under the weight of emotion, each thought a traitor turning against the reign of reason. His lips, ambassadors of his most guarded secrets, tremble on the brink of diplomatic disaster or sublime surrender.

He looks up at Kaveh's eyes once more. A warning that he will press his lips to him if he's not stopped.]

[ Alhaitham sways closer, and a thousand tiny butterflies beat their wings against Kaveh's stomach. His roommate's eyes and lips speak silently of things the other might usually try to hide; even with the distance still left between them he imagines he can feel the beat of the other's heart, pulse slightly quickened in echo of his own. And he wonders: just how much has he hurt the other, not only with his initial impression and actions, but with those things he's said and done since?

Like a pillar holding up the very foundations of a home, Alhaitham has weathered it all without complaint, continued to show him kindness and generosity besides. Against all odds, when it's comfort Kaveh needs, it's no longer one name that comes to mind, but two.

Pharos needs Euler. Kaveh needs Euler. But perhaps on some level that his heart feels but his mind hasn't fully processed yet, Kaveh needs Alhaitham, too.

Perhaps that's why he doesn't draw back when the other all but melts into his space. Why he turns involuntarily into him, further bridging their gap as the butterflies dance. In Kaveh's mind, later, it will be attributed instead to loneliness, to the bitter pill he's been forced to swallow, the circumstances of his and Euler's relationship. It will come hand in hand with guilt, and pain, and confusion.

And yet now there's none of it. Now, crimson eyes meet coppered emerald with soft tenderness and understanding. The intent in Alhaitham's warning gaze is clear, and Kaveh—

Kaveh could sit without words, allow the other to take his silence as consent; instead, he nods, inches that tiny bit closer to show not just acceptance, but want. ]

Okay, [ he whispers, and the creatures in his stomach take flight. ]

[Need calls to want, and want reaches to ache. Never had he understood why romantics seemed to revel in the suffering their emotions for others granted them, claiming misery and pleasure all at once. That this is living, that the hassle, the pain, the sorrow, was all worth the experience of life. But life imitates art, he supposes, and he finds art in the velvet of Kaveh's cheek under his own nose, and life in the breath that sips in through his teeth before he presses their mouths together. Softened as he is, he seems to sink in further the moment the thin skin of their lips touch, and Alhaitham sighs something lung-rattling, like a bird fluttering open its wings after a long time flightless within the cage of his ribs. So when the small, butterfly-winged kiss stops, Alhaitham chases after another, and another. Until he preciously cradles Kaveh's face.]

[ Alhaitham kisses him, and all at once, all those other feelings quieten, folding the world down around them like origami paper until only the two of them are left within its protective space. He sucks in a soft gasp, inhaling the life in Alhaitham's sigh, chasing a tremor all the way down his spine as it seeks to pull him apart, leave him with nothing but for the glowing light the other has somehow carved into the middle of the storm, guiding him.

He sinks into the other's gentle touch, all questions gone. Presses in close, curls fingers into his t-shirt, seeking his answers in the jackhammered rhythm of his heart.

And when the kiss ends, Alhaitham isn't the only one to chase it, Kaveh rushing forward until their lips collide. Kaveh's kiss is just as needful as it is soft and sweet, an urgency in the way he chases the other out, answering the siren call of trust and buried desire. When gentle, tender hands cup his face, he seeks to deepen their kisses, parts his mouth and offers a teasing, seeking stroke of his tongue over the other's lower lip.

The movie plays on, forgotten once more as it casts its lights and shadows over the two of them. ]

[Seeping through the thin layer of his clothes is Kaveh's warmth, the clutch on his chest. Alhaitham's fingertip traces the beautiful dark eyelashes always framing multiple refractions of color—green, red, blue, violet,—the gorgeous line of his jawline. The need of him translates into tenderness, his lips blooming against the slick of Kaveh's tongue to kiss it, as well. Venomous and aggressive turned pliable, he pays reverence to it, scoops Kaveh's knees together with one hand to have his legs fold over his thighs.

It feels adolescent, when he cradles him close to lean against the cushions of the couch and the nook of Alhaitham's shoulder, tonguing tentatively the shape of his cupid's bow, to gasp when he finds Kaveh's tongue. His heart thrums through his ears, he hears the buzzing of his refrigerator in the distance and the television and his and Kaveh's breath but nothing else. Everything amplified and narrowed into the two of them, as all things should be.

Alhaitham pulls back just enough, watching Kaveh intently for a second before he nudges under his chin up towards him again for another kiss.]

[ There's no "little by little" for how Kaveh finds himself lost in the other's kisses. One moment, they're sitting and looking at one another, and in the next he's lost in a way from which there's no coming back. For every breath shared between their lips, Kaveh knows somewhere deep that getting out will be harder still. Yet he doesn't stop or shy away, allowing his heart instead to give him over, to cave into a desire both complex and simple all at once.

And cave he does. He shuffles willingly when his legs are folded over Alhaitham's thighs, moving closer in such a way that he's all but in the other's lap, pressing into those kisses without any hesitation, and one hand slips from where it's clenched with the other into the fabric of Alhaitham's shirt to wind instead around his shoulders.

When the kiss is broken, Kaveh blinks in soft confusion for a moment, eyes soft and wondering as they look at the other man. For a moment, the barest of worries— did he do something wrong— flits across his thoughts, but then Alhaitham's hand curls under his chin, tugs him back into a kiss.

He makes a soft sound— half moan, half breathless gasp— against the other's mouth, giving himself over to his kisses once more. ]

[Alhaitham huffs a soft sound, something giddy tugging at his lips that's so fond, so warm, he doesn't recognize himself if he were looking inward.

So he shushes Kaveh softly, presses his lips again, strokes down his arm, up his side, down his back, then up to cradle the base of his skull, and tilts his head further so they slot in. And it's perfect. It could be. Alhaitham isn't Euler (he is), and can't maybe give what Kaveh needs right then (he can), but he'll motion to him with the shape of his lips and the gentle hold of his fingers that he's there, for him, with him. That all worries and every need he has, Alhaitham can take care of. So he cradles him close, parting his lips, deepening the kisses between them, unhurried, undemanding, the only thing he requires of the other to enjoy the softness, the comfort, the feeling of their togetherness.]

[ It's true that Kaveh wants Euler, that he needs Euler. But it's just that right now, he's not thinking about Euler.. not even a little. While he doesn't realize it, it makes a lot of sense. After all, the man in question is here, holding him, making him feel safe and wanted and all those things he's dreamed about. If he has everything he needs and wants, how can he dream of anything else?

It won't, however, stop guilt from playing its role later on. Deep down somewhere within him, Kaveh knows something that he consciously does not, and his mind will wreak havoc on him for not knowing it.

But that is later, not now. Now, Kaveh answers every kiss the way Alhaitham offers it: as slow and tender as they are deep and passionate, tongue licking into his mouth between soft stolen breaths, fingers curling around the nape of his neck and splaying over his too-quick heart. Alhaitham would shush him, but his name falls soft from Kaveh's mouth anyway, a trembling, sweet sound. ]

[Kaveh's voice slips through and into his mouth and Alhaitham wishes to swallow it, drown in it, breathe only but the breath that Kaveh exhales. His remnants are his treasure, but then they take shape of Alhaitham's name, like it's made of crystal.

Alhaitham groans, his hand curled around Kaveh's nape tightens, a full body shudder slipping down his skin, rolling in goosebumps, clawing at his core to reach for more, to have the man in his arms cry out his name more, more often, with feeling.

He swallows down his own want. Kisses him deeper just for a fraction before tying it off with sweetness, then nuzzles his cheekbone, and presses small kisses under his ear.]

[ His voice, an involuntary call of Alhaitham's name, is met with a groan that sends shivers of delight down his spine, a shudder that he swears he can feel as fingers tighten at the nape of his neck, making him arch, and for a moment the kiss deepens and Kaveh chases it with hunger, breath sharp and tongue tangling—

And then it's sweet again as the other tugs away, nuzzles against his cheek and presses soft kisses to the skin.

Kaveh bites his lip, trying not to be so needy that he damn near whimpers— and failing. ]

You don't.. mn. Please don't stop.

[He's going to kill him. Alhaitham's breath comes out in a rushed sigh. He kisses along the delicate line of Kaveh's jaw, tipping his head up to draw him into another kiss, and it's still soft, still holding himself back from doing beautifully unspeakable things to him.]

Kaveh. [He chides, and the word is shaped with affection around his voice, between the gentle kisses that he presses to his lips. He asks for no answer, merely rakes his teeth over his tongue lightly to keep him still, strokes his hair as he maneuvers them so they lay on the couch, Kaveh half-draped over him. ]

What?

[ The answer comes on a soft whine, even as Kaveh is tugged so that he's laying half-draped across Alhaitham, as he's rewarded for his stubborn request with more kisses— gentle kisses that have his heart fluttering in his chest, seeing for more more more even as he can feel the other holding back from him.

And his lips part, to tell him he doesn't have to hold back, but at the same time his brain asks him why that holding back is happening—

As soon as the thought happens, others crash down around it, and Kaveh pulls back from their kiss, looking down quietly at Alhaitham, an unhappy expression forming quickly on his features. ]

I'm— I'm sorry. With everything I said to you, I shouldn't have—

[ Not to mention Euler. It's not like they agreed to be exclusive, they said they'd talk about it if something came up, but... but... ]

I shouldn't have.

[Fanning fingers over his ear to tuck hair behind it, Alhaitham looks at Kaveh in the same way he looks at ancient runes that have yet to be deciphered—yet that most people know. Looking for the things underlined and underlying the slant of his brow, the mysteries of the downturn of his lips as he apologizes, again and again.

Alhaitham leans in, presses his lips again to Kaveh's, gentle at first, hard at second, pulling back and shaking his head.] Don't. I'm not holding back, I just felt like—[Softness, tenderness, something chaste for once, though their need and want slip onto the surface of their turvy emotions.

Alhaitham sates his thirst on Kaveh's mouth again, cradling his face and suckling on his upper lip, on his lower lip, slotting both of them together with his tongue.] Mm.

[ He's halfway to another apology when Alhaitham's mouth catches his, and there's a blessed, blissful moment of silence where Kaveh's brain stops for a moment, letting him just sink into the other without worry. And as it deepens, he finds himself clambering into the other's lap, sitting astride him as his arms both move to rest around Alhaitham's shoulders.

He shouldn't, but he wants to so desperately, and if the other isn't going to stop him, then why would he stop?

One question remains, though; when the younger pulls back to shake his head, Kaveh's head tilts as it finds his lips. ]

You felt like—?

[ But it's a question unfinished just like the apology before it, a low sound on his mouth as Alhaitham takes it with his, the hum of pleasure on his lips sending a sparking heat all the way down Kaveh's spine. ]

If I knew it all then would I do it again?

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